Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Yet I Love.

It’s been a good few months since I entered this after-life. It was probably for the best, leaving that world for the next. I’ll probably be saying the same thing when I leave for my subsequent world next year, I expect. No argument there. But there’s so much missing still.

Human beings are so frail.

I am. You are.

As fickle as touch-me-nots at the side of the road. As permanent as the Christmas d├ęcor put up each year. We change and expect the world to change with us. I change and expect you to understand. You change and expect me to take that transit flight with you.

Change and Expectations. Is this what life is all about?

If it was, then would it be fair for anyone to say, that they’re tired of change? This perspective may be a little out of proportion. But this is one truth. I’m tired of waking up from my dreams. I’m tired of finding out that the happiness I’d felt had only meant to be an interim intermission between the then and now. I’m tired of the accumulating bags of hindsight and tears slung over my shoulder; I’m tired of waving off my deepest regrets and saying, “It was probably for the best.” I’m tired of trading in my innocence for the pointless wisdom of the world. (Bah, wisdom? Balderdash!)

Surely; Surely, there must be something more true. More divine. (Like… God.) More permanent. (Like joy.) More ...right. (Like integrity.) Why must I settle for second best? Why must I chase short-termed happiness? Why must my heart die a thousand deaths before I discover this? Why must I reach a point of desperation before I finally understand why?

I suppose there’s my solution right there. In order to touch him, I must be compelled into a position of sacrifice, of giving. I asked for this. I remember.

“Teach me to love the way you do.” I asked him that.

Clearly, I didn’t know what I was asking for.

He was betrayed, yet he loved. He was turned against, yet he loved. He was gossiped about, yet he loved. He was harmed, yet he loved. He was broken, yet he loved.

Can I ever truly get this?

I was betrayed, yet I ___________.
I was gossiped about, yet I ____________.
I was deceived, yet I _____________.
I was harmed, yet I _____________.
I was broken, yet I _____________.

Maybe discovering LOVE is what life’s all about. If it is, then it’s time I got to the point where:

I was ______________, yet I love.


Sunday, November 18, 2007

New Compositions : A Few Months Later

Lord, I am weak
And I am weary
And all I can think of
Is how cold it is

Can’t see what’s ahead
I can’t see behind my head
And all I can think of
Is how cold it is

Shed some light my way
Turn my night----- into day
And fill this emptiness~

A few months later
Would find me sitting in a little food place
Smiling at every other face
A few months later
Has found me sitting in a little food place
Strangers, but still saved by grace
Still saved by grace

Inhaling rust
Exhaling pain
I’ve lost my trust
To the blithering rain

Your face I keep
In the nooks and crannies
Of my mind’s deep
In my soul’s cold
I hide

Shed some light my way
Turn my night--- into day
And fill this emptiness~

A few months later
Would find me sitting in a little train
Staring at every other face
(How could I know?) A few months later
Would find me sitting in a little train
Strangers, but your grace sustains
Your grace sustains

New Compositions: Weary Eyes

I've had the privilege of working with a good friend and musician for two weeks now, and it's been awesome! I now have several songs in the soup factory and it is BOILING!! Haha. Just thought the two (or few, no difference) of you who actually read my blog entries, might like a little teaser to my songs. So i'm gonna be posting up my new lyrics everytime i come up with new stuff. Afterwhich, they shall all be archived into: http://pocket-tissues.livejournal.com/ (This is basically where i stash all my lyrical compositions)
So without further ado, my first song in a long while:


Exhausted and it’s no surprise
It’s how I meet each day’s demise
And I’m all burnt out and tried
No pondering of hows and whys
It’s time I recognized
What my mind denies

Shadows merge to solids
Jovial smiles turn morbid, yeah

All I want to do
Is sit with you and hear you speak
And watch you dream
All I want to do
Is dance with you and be with you
Till I….
All I want to do
Is walk with you and watch you think
And see you breathe
So be with me till I
Have to close these weary eyes

I know I’m a little tired
But only just a little
I’ll stay with you, if you don’t mind
For only just a little
I know I’m a little tired
But only just a little
Stay, please stay
Till I close this weary eyes

Over You - Chris Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.

And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.

Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.

'Cause the day I thought
I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Monday, October 29, 2007


It's been a heavy week for me. Chemistry and Physics MidTerms, church responsibilities, a good friend's engagement, a weekend sleepover, a good friend's house-shifting, assignments, and a proposal for an event-managing competition that eventually didn't work out (much to my disappointment).

but in the words of Tabitha Ong, "Nyahh, you don't need them anyway!"


At the engagement of my friend, i bumped into a producer cum studio owner whom i'd previously met sometime ago. We talked music to pass the waiting time - and then he told me he'd heard a recording of me and my buddies. It wasn't a very professional recording; it was something me and my buddies had done for fun, as a tribute to our common passion for music-making. He spoke of the potential he could grasp as he heard the recording and i immediately took the cue. i asked him for his advice in helping me develop my sound.

yeah, i was fishing, blindfolded. But you can never tell what you can dish out.

To my surprise, he agreed. He shared about how his studio will be moving to SS13, and around INTI college subang jaya too (ss15)! And how he'd love to help get me guest musicians to help me make a professional demo, since i was serious in pursuing a career in music. Side-career, at the very least. :)

So that was Saturday.

Today, I was chatting on Windows Live Messenger and saw a new friend of mine online. He had previously messaged me some enquiries, and i hadn't replied him yet. so i decided to reply him via instant messaging. the beauty of technology! *chuckles* Now, this person happens to be a very good, all-rounded musician. Someway down the conversation, he offered to help me make a demo of "Far Away" my latest song. I threw in another song into the bargain, as i knew my song would be in good hands. "My Corner of the Sky" has a wicked riff that i had made up and i'd definitely needed all the help i can get.

Joash was online as well and randomly suggested we record a couple of songs over the upcoming school holidays with the youth of FCC. I was all up for it. The more projects the better, I say!

And just as simply as one can get into a conversation, my music ventures has begun to look far more promising than i'd ever expected in such a short span of time! Truly God knows the desires of one's heart, and just loves to surprise!


I loved my surprise gift, Lord. You are so amazing. Loving you more and more each passing day.

Sunday, October 28, 2007


To the hottest couple in Melawati and Shah Alam,

Judson and Getsy!
~You're Engaged!~

Even as you step into
this beautiful covenant together,
I pray that God continue to bless you
with the desires of your heart.
I pray that you cotinue to both grow in the Lord,
and that your faith be strengthened as you walk this road,
hand in hand.
I pray that you persevere through
whatever circumstance that may come your way -
Know that your Heavenly Father is always with you.
Let him continue to abide in your relationship,
and in your hearts,
just as you would keep
the heart of your better half in yours.

Your love will not be severed,
Even in the world's dictation of time,
The earth's forever.

Your love will not be severed,
Should boughs break, and cradles rock,
Through earth's forever.

Their love will not be severed,
Said the King to his seraphims,
Despite the limits..

...of the earth's forever.

Thisisme and a good friend of mine, Seetha, upon arrival.

Thisisme with fellowTaipinger, Suresh.
But he's been in KL for most of his life.
So i don't think it counts anymore.

Special thanks to photographer and her devices:

Friday, October 26, 2007

Hot Chocolate (or The Kid at Christmas)

I bite into a sugar cracker and gently stir my little mug of thick, hot chocolate. I can hear tiny clinks of my teaspoon's ocassional meet with the ceramic-wall, on the inside.


"Phoebe, don't dream! Hang the angel already!" I heard my elder sibling say. My 5-year-old stubby little fingers stopped playing with the little bell around the pretty angel's neck and began peering between the leaves for a place suitable to display it. That angel, I remembered, was my single, most favorite ornament then. After hanging the angel, I turned back to our little box of glittery decorations to pick another piece to hang on our Christmas tree. Something twinkled at the bottom. I reached for it.


How the little bits of sugar on my crackers twinkle so. It reminds me so much of Christmas ornaments. My mug of hot chocolate reminded me even more of our favorite time of year. I chew my biscuit quietly in the deafeningly silent night. I bring the mug to my lips and take a long...


"Don't take so long with your drink! When it gets cold, it's going to taste horrid!" I heard my mother say. "But I'm waiting for the marshmallow to melt," I heard myself protest, in a voice i'd forgotten and ceased to use for so many years now. How strange I sounded. I saw my mother put her hands on her hips to complete the "Look". Bah, I thought, rolling my eyes. As if that was going to work on me. It was then, that I noticed her hands looked different. They were pale-white and young. Where was the age,... the tan,... the freckles? "Well?" Mother prompted. The tiny heart that pumped in my little chest, began to beat furiously. Why was I so afraid? And as if by reflex, I quickly tipped the heavy cup higher, at a steeper angle. The brimming hot chocolate rushed down my throat, scalding my lips and tongue! My little eyes widened as I placed my cup down in a hurry.


I place my little empty mug on my table. It's still warm from the hot drink that was in it. It gives me the best feeling in the world, hot chocolate. I feel sad somewhat that my mug is now void of the drink. It feels so much like my...


Check. Mind. Check. Soul. Check. Body. Check. Strength. Check. Great! They're all in place, I thought, as I closed the envelope. Yes. That's my Christmas present to you this year, my friend forever. I'm sorry they're second hand. But they're all I have and ever can afford. I sealed the envelope with a kiss. I know you'll know how to use them. Yes, they are weak, tainted and a little broken. But only just a little. I smile meekly, ashamed of my immature attempt at deception. As if I could ever lie to you. But... you'll take them, won't you? You can make them new....,


Left? Why are there so many roads? And where do they all lead to? I was looking out into the world through my little left window. "Phoebe? What are you thinking? Are you alright?" I heard a gentle voice ask me. I turned to the driver's seat on my right, smiled sweetly and answered, "Oh, nothing. Yeah, I'm good. Just looking out the window." The voice laughed and said, "All right, we're at my house now. It has wireless internet connection, so you can use your laptop!" There was a certain kindness to the voice that I couldn't comprehend. "Coo~," I remember responding gratefully, still in my stupid grin. I gathered my things, opened my car door and stepped out.


Yum! More sugar crackers. Gosh, I miss Christmas! I distractedly reach out for the teaspoon laying idle in my empty, used heart.


I think I need to fill it with more hot chocolate.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Deb Talan

I was at Tabitha's place some time back, doing my assignments, and i overheard a song she was playing. The contributing artist was Deb Talan and the song she was playing was, "Forgiven." I fell in love with it immediately! Tabitha gave me a few other mp3s and I downloaded a few too, and so now i have 8 songs in my stash so far. And i already love every one of them! The one on the tippy top of my Deb Talan Chart at the mo, has just GOT to be, "Comfort." So here it is. The lyrics.

When everyone has gone to sleep
And you are wide awake
there's no one left to tell your troubles to
Just an hour ago, you listened to their voices
lilting like a river over underground
and the light from downstairs came up soft like daybreak
dimly as the heartache of a lonely child

If you can't remember a better time
you can have mine, little one
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort wherever you can

And oh, it's a strange place
And oh, everyone with a different face
but just like you thought
when you stopped here to linger
we're only as separate as your little fingers

So cry, why not? we all do
then turn to one you love
and smile a smile that lights up all the room
Follow your dreams in through every out-door
it seems that's what we're here for

And when you can't remember a better time
you can have mine, little one
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort, there is comfort

Take comfort wherever you can, you can,
You can.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Press On, Babe!

Printed on card:

"Phoebe Mathius (American Degree Transfer Program):

Press On, Babe!


You have no idea how much i'd almost wanted to burst into tears then.

Earlier today, I had been feeling quite miserable. I had begun warring with my thoughts since before my 8am Chemistry class and it was beginning to take its toll on me. My courage and self-esteem level was dropping drastically at every argument and i was beginning to feel exhausted from being so brave. Still, my mind was relentless and cruelly persisted in coming up with the most hurtful and provoking of questions and thoughts.

I had brought my Bible to school today as always, and i was so glad to run away by myself after class to read. I knew i could always count on God to hear my distress; to comfort and strengthen me - with merely a whisper. And whisper he did.

Psalm 65:7
"You who still the noise of the seas,
The noise of their waves,
And the tumult of the peoples."

All i could do was just sit in awe and wonder of him. He truly knew. Instantly, i felt his significance in me just seep in again. He reminded me, at the snap of his fingers, of the dreams he gave me, the race i was running, the purpose in my life that had yet to be fulfilled. God was really getting me to refocus on him, the bigger picture. And i was so humbled. He whispered more promises through his word and i have scribbled them down on my journal. I came away from my corner, feeling like God himself had given me the biggest hug in history.

But it didn't end there.

It was then that i received a text message informing me that i had to collect something at the Department of Economics. I was bewildered. I mean, what on earth? I wasn't even an accounting or business student! I knew Michelle was, but not me! I headed to Wisma HELP cautiously, wary of a practical joke. But i needn't have worried. I was given this lovely breakfast package and it had a bloomin' rose! Can you believe it? A ROSE! My first this year! (See picture above.)

Reading the card was like getting struck by lightning. "Press On" were the two words I KNEW God was trying to say to me! My skin tingled, my palms were sweaty and my eyes were very close to flooding. Even as i type this, my single rose stalk rests in a bottle on my sister's office desk. It will serve as a reminder to me for years to come. Thank you so much, Michelle Melissa Foo, for being such an inspiration.

s if that wasn't enough. I receive a call from the lovely Tabitha just before lunch. She called and was just being her bubbly self. We talked about things irrelevant and otherwise *chuckles*, as usual. Surely, she couldn't have known how much i'd needed her kind attention and time, right at that moment? It's crazy how God works, but I am not complaining. He has apt timing! *laughs* Thank you for being my ambassador for encouragement, Tabitha Ong.

Thank you, Lord, My Friend Forever, for being here for me. My heart is yours Always.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

What A Friend I've Found

Written by Martin Smith ©1996 Curious? Music UK

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever


ever glad that my Lord never changes.
his love, his hopes, his amourous promises,
his dreams and ultimate plans for me
- has never changed; he is eternity

regardless of my frailty,
despite my immaturity.

ever comitted for the long haul
even though his plans, i tend to stall
even though i've built, around me, a wall
he breaks through, the moment i call.

regardless of my frailty,
despite my immaturity.

Never been afraid to call me his
he holds my hand, Oh what bliss!
ever beaming at my every progress
ever present in my times of distress

regardless of my frailty,
despite my immaturity.

friend forever."

- Written by Phoebe Lee Mathius
(A Simple Note of Love and Thanks to my Lover, Friend and Savior.)


"I'm still not used to your absence
everywhere around me
lips move yet mouth nothing but silence
i tune out visually
everything else pales at the remembrance of you
you're with me each time i exhale
and i, in turn, inhale remnants of you."
(-Phoebe Lee Mathius)

Round and round
like a broken record
Unsettling sounds
Like when sharpening swords

Unsettling thoughts
Leave me lost, never found
Unsettled heart
Like a ripple, drowned

Unsettled mind
Prostrates me to the ground
Round and round
my delirium abounds.

Exhausted, I am
beyond comprehension
Writing now
to ease the tension.

You see me, You hear me
i have Your attention
You always stay with me
my divine intervention.

i'm never alone. Stay with me, Lord.


was reading Jonah. amazing how it's so easy for me to judge him so quickly before, when i was younger. reading it again, i've realized how much of a human jonah was. he was a prophet and that never stopped him from being a guy. The whole running away to Tarshish thing was so typical. :) but then all of a sudden, his life became my life. i almost knew how he felt back then and why he didn't want the Ninevites to be saved. these were people who had ravished their land, stolen, broken their investments and livelihood. he felt betrayed, that justice was not going to be served! Then God tried to remind him that the Ninevites were still His creation, that they were still his beloved - just how Jonah and his people were.

and that's why jonah is one of the truest examples of why God's love is just beyond our comprehension!

note that his obedience never truly marked his understanding of why God was giving Nineveh a second chance. This is exactly what I went through/am going through. I never truly understood why i had to do things i were made to do, but i still did it anyway - in ignorance of the bigger picture. (i can see why it is frustrating for many who go through the same thing.)

God gave Jonah a near-death (big fish) experience and still he never got it! GAH! did he need a lightning bolt to fry his innards to make him see the way God sees or something? we will never know! nevertheless, this has just awakened me spiritually. it's truly scary. i don't wanna be walking around still zombified in my distorted beliefs and history - even after my "near-death" experience!

God saved the Ninevites from destruction in Jonah's story. if i keep my story parallel to Jonah's, then God must've saved somebody from destruction in my story! and i might only know who/what/where/why/how in years to come. (that, or i might never know at all!) Nonetheless, these mysteries of God compels me to believe that He's just all the more hands-on in my life.

I love you, Lord. Don't ever let me go.

Friday, September 21, 2007

A Piercing Truth

"Obstacles are put in your way
to see if what you want
is really worth fighting for."

I saw this on a little girl's status message today, and i was momentarily stunned at its piercing truth. I'm not sure where she gets these stellar phrases, but i was just torn apart at the sight of it.

how many times have i just failed to show that what i wanted or desired, was really worth the fight? Worth the effort, condemnation, pain and frustration? How many times have i just opted to pull out? To complain?

And in context to what i've been going through as of late, it just served as a form of confirmation. I'd been trying to justify the circumstances, reason out possibilities, play the blame game, suppress my brokenness and weakness....

I just have to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. This is not the time to falter. It's not the time to give up. I refuse to let myself believe that this is the way things usually work. I will press on and take the road less traveled.

In the words of the wise Dory, in Finding Nemo,

"just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
swimming swimming,
what do we do?
we swim... "

Looking forward to the fulfillment of our higher calling. This wasn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to merely survive. On the contrary! I want to.....

Thrive. Grow. Learn. Mature. Dream.
Believe. Trust. Love. Forgive. Laugh. Live.

I want to believe amidst doubt. Strip myself from hypocrisy. I want my faith to be fueled by innocence again. I want to be able to love with all my heart. I want to be able to see the way God does.

I want to remember that:

"Obstacles are put in my way
to see if what i want
is really worth fighting for."

Just keep swimming, phoebe. just keep swimming.

I Never Thought

I never thought I'd live to see the day....
.......Fried Petai and Minced Meat Sambal served as an official dish with rice. I didn't even know it was legal (in accordance to "Ye Ole Cook-Parchment")!

I never thought I'd live to see the day....

Theme: Champion (Phil 4:13)
Date: 10-13 December 2007
Taiping Golf Resort, Taiping
Cost: RM240 (RM20 refund for early birds at the camp: 20th November 2007)
Speaker: Mike Pivalachi

....... HUGE camp be held in Taiping! Maybe they're running out of venues to place it at, maybe they needed a little more tranquility, - heck, maybe they even like Taiping! All i know is that my youth group is LOVING the idea. *chuckles*

I never thought i'd live to see the day......

.........I'd actually graduate, let alone leave the country! I still can't believe i'm going to Bermidji State University (Minnesota, USA)) next year. It looms over me like a daunting thunder cloud; yet - holding much potential energy, holding much refreshing rain. Only God knows how much i need a good washing! *smiles* A year ago, I would've thunk this impossible.

But then again, a year ago, i never thought i wouldn't be able to cope with the conditions of love eternal. *laughs* Such impertinence! Such tomfoolery!

Such an awesome, awesome God.


So yeah. I never thought.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

I Like Pie! Take Two.

In my previous post, i mentioned that i finally attempted shepherd's pie for the very first time, ALL by myself. And..... i had royal fun doing it!

How'd it turn out? See for yourself!

Ain't she gorgeous? I'm ever so proud of it!

Thick mashed potato goodness, all golden and crisp on the top, creamy in the middle and a thick layer of mixed vegetables cooked with bits of meat, barbeque sauce and cream soup (didn't have time to boil my own broth)! Three people tasted it, excluding myself, and have deduced that that was one good piece of pie!

*chucks confetti over self and blows into noisemaker* Yay, me!

I'll be making a second round of shepherd's pie sometime soon, i'll save you a piece if you want one! *chuckles* Or... do you think you'd wanna make your very own pie? If you do, here's a proposition. I'll give you the recipe, on one condition: That you let me have a helping of it too!


yeah? you will? coo!

Go get it.... HERE!

*laughs* I look forward to some good eatin' wid yous guys!

Monday, September 3, 2007

In dire need of HELP.

to the two of you who actually read this junk,

It's been a a fortnight of literal darkness for me in terms of direction, lifestyle, settlement and belonging. What's really been keeping me afloat was and always will be, my hero. These past two years, I've just experienced as much as i can dare stretch myself to experience. Nevertheless, I fear if i told you everything, you'd either:

a) scuttle away quietly so as to not hurt my feelings. *laughs*
b) experience major brain hemorrhage and die an untimely death due to encephalitis.
c) phase out and ask for a lolly every ten seconds.

so in order to prevent embarassment or casualties, i've decided to just keep the details from either parties (that's right, even from myself). But let's not sidetrack, my muffins, from the good tidings i bear. I don't have the time to write everything, so i'm plucking this huge excerpt from an email i wrote:
"So this is the story. I went to Help last thursday, (two thursdays ago) and met this guy called william. (no doubt the same one who told me that a transferral of credit hours was not possible) but he doesn't remember me, i think.

anyway, he looked at my transcripts and CGPA and told me that i was a good student and that i shouldn't waste it by enrolling into a 4+0 program. he told me to transfer credit into their ADP program, and said i would only need to go to BSU (bermidji State U, Minnesota) for 1 and a 1/2 years after one year in HELP.

he also interviewed me about my mission and why i wanted to do mass comm and he was (in his words) "most impressed". he called and spoke to my dad to convince him, as the budget, william felt, was affordable. Lynn a representative for BSU, was there to tell me how to get a job on campus and how to save on fees.

so according to william, my dad said that the figure he gave was achievable and so now, i'm back to the twinning program idea. Can you believe it? i'll be going to america next august. *blank stare*

help has been good. attended my first chemistry lab and the lecturer, andrew tennant is awesome...nasty but awesome. aside chemistry, i'm taking physics, and media writing this semester. looking forward to studying again, although still a bit wary. worried that i might end up stuck again. initially, i was a bit unsettled about it all, but i wanna leave this to God this time around.

the excitement for me is .....still growing. i must say i'm very relieved i get to transfer credits instead of starting from scratch all over again. it's really nice to know i'll be able to graduate sooner than i thought.

so yeah.

i'm renting a room at Joash' apartment here in jalan ipoh. and will be attending joash's church for the one year (or less) that i'll be in KL. went for jazz fest last night
(two saturdays ago) with tabitha but only for an hour. enjoyed sharizan and the asiana percussion performance very much. tabitha is awesome, and is turning out to be a very good friend to me....."

by the way, this paragraph is a tribute to tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha. (so there. that sentence called for her name to be mentioned ten times!) *laughs* Tabs has been a super awesome friend to me and we've only just met for a few weeks! She's made countless efforts to get me off my depressed butt, by driving me around in her little car - recommending stuff and cracking the most hilarious of jokes!

"I'm funnier today because of my talk with tabitha yesterday." *laughs hysterically*

"...i can finally say with confidence that i'm really doing so much better. I'll just be pursuing God all the way now. don't intend to change this for the longest of times. i intend to do really well in my studies and maybe even form a temporary one year band project before i leave for the states. it could be fun.

i think that's all prolly info overload to you. so i'll stop for now."

Haha, bear with, people!

With all my love,
Phoebe Lee Matthews

p/s - i made shepherd's pie!!!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Whispered Repentance

I wrote this in 2002.

You came to me in a whisper,
Like a stranger, yet so familiar
My heart pounds louder and louder
Into my head; deeper and deeper
Your voice I seem to know; I've heard it once before
From you I've turned away
Yet you came to me today
In your presence; I'm awe-strickened
My body weakens
I feel myself fall into your embrace
I look up and see your face
It shone in deeper ambience
How could I have endured your absence?
My eyes cloud into a torrential downpour
I feel emptied right down to my core
Faceless and impure; I didn't know who I was anymore
Reality sweeps me over
All I wanted was to be like you
So here in your cover
My new skin breaks through
My old self dies as you take me into the skies....
I remember you coming to me in a whisper
Ah, yes, but yesterday seems distant; today I'm different
I'm becoming You.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

When tired, sleep; When tired, write

I'm a little exhausted today
My world's in a daze
This ache --
Oh, this despicable ache!
It gnaws at my pumping heart
in morning's melancholy blaze

I'm a little exhausted, today
My state is inexplicable
Driven on with impossible dreams
Chastized by consequences of whim
Constantly, constantly
remembering constantly
tortured by sorrow, disdain bred
still I strive to keep my sanity sacred

My head it hurts
I have no words
It always leaves me
breathing hard
i feel my lungs
being teased by shards
of glass - as
it strains
to sustain
my limp, beating heart.

18th March 2005
Revised: August 2007


Sculpted on: 3rd of March, 2005
1st Revision: 23rd November, 2005
2nd Revision: August 2007

i'm trapped in you
it's getting harder to turn-
getting harder to move my feet.

i wait for you
my heart would burn
impatient; anticipating our meet.

So awed by your story
till everything around me
....stands still -

i tend to forget
every wound, pride and glory
wolves may come; i smile still.

i'm breathing you in
drinking you so deep
i resist you but cannot win.

you - make it impossible to sleep!
make trees sway in absent wind
make blood run cold under the skin.

i just sit here
'tis just too hard to move my feet
help me find you here

I want to be complete.

My Dues

Steve Lam tagged me some time ago, but i hadn't the time, ideas or facilities to pay my dues. But the day has come. I'm not going to be tagging anyone else for this one, though. Excuse: I'd already done this one before and find it utterly boring. Surely the human mind is far more capable of coming up with better tags than these.

Generating list...

List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
Things that never were:

1. I was tempted to join "One in A Million". I argued the pros and cons with myself for three days and three nights. The pressure was so intense that i got sick in front of the TV when the interview dates popped up. And then, i joined.

2. I am a completely sane and rational human being.

3. I read Philip Stretchman's trilogy of His Bright Materials: The Silver Compass (soon to be made a motion picture), The Loud Knife and The Turquoise Spyglass.

4. I am Queen Phoebe and reign over you peasants, with an iron fist! I expect complete obedience and a tithe of no less than 70% from the profit earned selling crops.

5. I despise playing TABOO with the greatest intensity. With all mine heart, with all mine soul and with all mine mind. Any game that convinces you that your sole purpose in life is to read the dictionary, Merriam-Webster's preferably, is heretical! Taboo should literally be tabooed! So there.

6. I am dead to the world when asleep. Drop an anvil on me and I'll prove to you I won't get up. Try it.

7. I am bound to a life of celibacy. I will never marry. I will live to be a 78 year old spinster with 36 cats, a love-ringed parakeet, and two male terappins. I would own a dog, a St. Bernard, along the course of my life but it will die a tragic death and i will swear never to own another dog after Fuzzy (the name of the St. Bernard i will own in the distant future. Fuzzy is pronounced "Fur-jhee").

8. I fully comprehend God.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Going places.


I'll be off again to Genting and to Kuala Lumpur after.

Awana beckons. Youth Pastor's School will be in session. (6th - 9th August, '07)

Then, i'll be in KL for a good few days, babysitting my little sister, mamaking with old friends, meeting some fellow PKs in a (hopefully) large scale gathering!, attending a cutie's birthday party, and..... visitting HELP university!

(can't hang in Subang Jaya, this time around, guys! Schedule's PACKED! next time, promise!)

Right after i am to attend the POWER conference held at GTPJ. (16th-18th August, '07)

So, tata my darlings! See y'all soon!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

More of it.

Today, I......

....... so i lead a boring life. Sue me.

(Nothing new. Accounts, clerical documents, organization emails, notices, updating websites. Same old same old. How've you been?)

Saturday, July 28, 2007

New Insignia

Haha. This is the result of having too much free time.

From now on (and for a season), if you receive an email from me, you will see this bit under my name:



You have received this email to facilitate your privilege as a member of The Exclusive Phoebe Circle. If you don't want to receive emails like this to your external email account in the future, please click
here to remove your email address from the subscription/notification list.


I know. I know.


p/s : yes, the "here" link in the above paragraph is actually connected to a valid URL.


Weddings and marriage engagements appear most depressing to me at the moment. I've attended a wedding reception and a wedding engagement this month, and have found myself being so fidgety, both in my seat and in my mind. It gets really hard to bear especially these days.

I find myself so drawn back, so analytical, so... strange. I'm beginning to dislike myself with the greatest intensity. I used to be such a romantic too. I loved weddings. I loved sharing in the joy of matrimonial, i loved the smiles, the excitement, the friends, the lights, the food, the clothes, the other-guests'-babies! I would just sit back and observe the happy couple and anticipate the best for them.

I can't say I'm not happy for good friends who've tied the knot. Truly, i am. But I've lost the genuineness of excitement, the innocence of romance; and i have traded it in for sombre skepticism. And truth be told, it vacuums. I really want to be happy in weddings again. But i guess these phases take time.

Don't worry this post isn't really about hate or weddings. Or even the hate of weddings. I just decided to use it as an analogy to introduce the thoughts that have been orbiting my mind this month.

It's really horrible when you suddenly realize you're constricted to this invisible entrapment, leaving you clueless as to how to get out. Can you picture a 6-year-old, pressing his button nose against a glass door, wishing he could go out and play; having no one to play with, he just decides to remain indoors anyway? Well, picture that and you probably have a basic picture of me. That's generally how I feel at this point. And you know what? It's even harder to know that the only thing standing between me and the fun outside is not the glass door - but rather, it's just me.

We wage war against ourselves everyday - in simple decisions, in our academics, in communication, in food consumption, in socializing, in work-related activities, etc. Not necessarily a bad thing. But what if you're just so deluged in arguments that you just haven't the slightest idea what to do? Or what if you're just so flooded with ideas, justifications - that it confuses your perception? Or what if your thoughts make you so uncertain if your actions are truly as platonic (unselfishly motivated) as you believe?

Does all this matter anyway? I strive so hard to be unselfish, to be true to my word, a friend in whatever circumstance. But i struggle in my own battle of thoughts and hurt. A war waged within.

Who can help?

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

(Psalm 121:1 & 2)

I need you, Lord.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Essence of Phoebe

Somehow, I've always suspected this.....

You are the Mad Hatter

You are completely insane.

Hatters usually went mad in those days because of handling mercury
(which makes anyone go mad after long exposure) while making hats.

Your Role:
You continuously drink tea,
because to you it is always 6 o'clock (tea time)
You Take Test Too Yes?
I took the "Alice in Wonderland" Character Quiz.
And believe it to be accurate! *laughs hysterically*
I honestly do fancy seeing myself being the Mad Hatter!

"Twinkle, twinkle little bat
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle—"

And oh,

Query #1: Guess what?
I've actually heard that there is a Mad Hatter's Day! Hoho, I kid you not!

Query #2: When, in the Cause of Time and the Second Law of the Theory of Thermodynamics, is Mad Hatter's Day?
You daft bat! Why, the Sixth of October, of course!
(Refer to Mad Hatter's Hat: "In this style 10/6") Unless of course, you want to read it as the tenth of June, which totally vacuums because we would've missed it already!

So i still like the idea of it being on the sixth of October. I don't really care if you agree with me. It's not really a free world, if you think about it. (But seriously though, it's already officially celebrated on the sixth of October. Nothing doing.)

Query #3: What, in the purple supermarket, do you do on Mad Hatter's Day?
We generally celebrate silliness! You eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, spreading the peanut butter and jelly all over on top rather than between two pieces of bread. Write backwards. Don't just speak, SPELL! Wind the clock 3 hours back and let kids stay up a little more. Send wedding invitations and shock the living daylights out of everybody. Sabo somebody with weird flavoring! (I've personally ordered a sabo-ing of dark chocolate and black cherry!)


Oh, but don't harm. Save that for April Fool's.

And before i forget:
A very, merry unbirthday to you! *throws confetti* Whoopee!
(unless of course your birthday is today, in which case, i apologize profusely)

Want the history?
It's worth the read!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Phoebe is back.

It's nice to actually be back to face my happy-lappy again. It's been yet another heavy week for me.

Haha. Okay, okay. I'm sorry i'm vague. I don't really like giving people accounts of the day. It's not particularly my favorite thing to do. I don't feel like i owe the world any sorta report -- but since there are requests, i do them for your sakes.

The Influence conference went great. It was most informative and it was definitely a mild jolt of sobering reality. Not that huge a jolt, but a jolt nonetheless. Money matters, conducting one's self, interviews, poise, communication, preparations, savings, decisions and most importantly PRINCIPLES, achieving balance and being the Daniel that God called us to be.

Aside the conference, I've had the greatest fun when out with my friends. On Thursday, i spent the whole day out hanging with my former college mates. I had gone to INTI itself with Eva and for some reason, somehow "inspired" her to skip a talk that she had rushed there for. *lol*

So we enjoyed together-time for a bit (in addition to the long talk the previous night), and i did my devotion there before Clayton came. We headed for lunch right after that, picking John Gan up on the way. And then, in the evening, we went to Ikea/The Curve to first meetup with my sister, 3 close pk-friends of mine, along with 2 other persons, whom i was to get to know. But when i got there, there were more people than expected!

So there was Lemuel, Melanie, Joash and May (whom i met for the very first time!), Angela, Chris, Tryphena, Clayton, Chen Fei and Lionel (the last time i saw him was at PK retreat!). What a noisy group we were! Angela said something like, "It's only with Lemuel that a meeting in Ikea could turn into a mamak one!" I laughed. We had such great fun catching up with each other! Later, Joshua Ong and Rachel came to join us too (they're both PKs) and that added to the merry fun we were having. So the day's quick gathering wound up being an unoffish PK gathering! Coo.

We adjourned to Laundry, to go watch my former band, OOF (Ocean of Fire) from Penang play for Project Bazooka. All my pk buddies weren't really up for Laundry, so my sister and I made our way over at 9pm leaving them at IKANO. They actually had far more fun without us after that, leading me to believe I'm not the fun person that i think i am. *lol*

However, I was already psyched then! I was going to watch OOF perform! It was exciting to be able to see Kelvyn, CHIAT, Jon BBQ, Scully, and ZHU again after such a long time! After talking much, i resumed my place with Clayton, Chen Fei, Kevin, Wee Kee and Tryphena and we talked some more. The suspense was definitely building.

To my utter joy and amazement, the rest of the PKs joined us then too! I was so pleasantly surprised and swelling much with gratitude. I felt honored that they could come and support my band with me too. I introduced as many people as i could to my band and then settled to wait for the show to start. It was quite a wait. Instead of OOF getting up there first, it was Two Sides of a Story (picture below) and then Poseidon.

The PKs couldn't stay long enough for the show, but i appreciate their attempt anyway. (Thanks, guys!) My band only got the stage at 11:30pm that night. Horrid scheduling.

When they finally got up there though, I was a bit nervous because my band was an instrumental one (and a super good one, at that) and might come off a little different than the usual. Nevertheless, my friends that remained with me were most impressed and i was so happy everyone had a great time. Clayton and Chen Fei even wanted to buy their EP album when it comes out (August's end, I've been told). I was never so proud of my band in my life. Haha. But then again, I'm always bursting with pride for them. You can really see it on my face!

So yeah, OOF blew me and my friends away that night! Enough said.

The next day, I hung out with Chen Fei, Clayton and Eva again. We did the general walkabout at 1U. We wanted to catch a movie together at first but we couldn't due to time constraints. They had their respective cell-groups to attend and i had the first night of Influence to go too anyway. Saturday was all Influence. I met God again and He blew me MILES away. OOF fades immediately in the presence of my Lord.

And him meeting me is the most amazing experience in the world.

I said the conference sobered me and here's why. Academically, I'm still stuck for various reasons - and the speakers of the camp were emphasizing early preparation, savings, direction and decisions. Thoughts bombarded me constantly about my past, present and future, and I was always shifting uncomfortably in my seat. But it's amazing how God is always ever-willing to hear my cries and anxieties. Even I would've grown bored of listening to myself. But he is my only help at this point and he strengthens me with words of rebuke, hope and love. and i always feel the deepest calm after being ministered to.

And then came the abrupt ending of my KL stay. I returned to Taiping on an 11:30am bus on Sunday, arriving 3:10pm. We left for my Butterworth Outreach Church at about 5-ish that evening. I was so tired from all the travelling but became very refreshed when playing the keys for church worship.

Needless to say, i fell asleep before my head reached the pillow that night. All in all, I've had a wonderful week! Thanks for meeting with me, friends. Thanks for meeting with me, my Lord.

So, how was your week?

Picture Sources:
http://moiham.blogdrive.com (Special thanks to Shua for the pictures!)

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

So Help Me God

I thank God for the amazing friends that i'd discovered in the lives of very special individuals, of whom i've had the pleasure of knowing. They probably have no idea how much their presence had meant to me not only throughout my short trip to Petaling Jaya, but even in my life so far. The turmoil i was going through for the past two weeks have been a little more than overwhelming.

To Eva Sam: My Multiply Site has never been more active! You've showered me with your love and concern, comments and feedback on everything I do, write, post, upload, or think! I'd only gotten to know you better after Subang Jaya, and i've never regretted a moment! I will never forget our shopping adventure in Times Square and all the stuff we bought. Haha! my Silver Spartan sandals will always be my favorite pair of shoes! (your gold ones look stellar, by the way!) It feels so comforting to know that there is someone who will always be there for me -- You're now more than a friend to me. I can now say with full conviction, that you are, in true fact, my sister.

Eva and Clayts, I will never forget this past conference. Talking our little hearts out, firm grasps of hands, laughing till our sides ached, crying and repenting together on our knees, and worshipping God with our might. It's been awesome.

To Clayton Cheung: Being around you helps me feel calm and laid back. It's not a bad thing! You've always been a great listener and i've been able to count on you to be my rant-board. You've also been ever willing to help me out whenever i needed it. And not to forget the enthusiasm we share for writing songs and having jam sessions. Come to think of it, that's how it all began right? Music? Those playful recording sessions we had last December were one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had. And it's all thanks to you. Remember always that that was your brainchild. Let's have more sessions! Clayts, it's truly been an honor knowing you thus far. Here's to more fun-filled days, frapucinnos and lattes! Cheers mate!

(Melissa : no picture available - she's particular about these things)

To Melissa Yip: Whenever you could, you were always around to cheer me up. You've always tried to understand, you've supported me, you've kept me company tirelessly, you looked out for me and shared your deepest hurts. I am grateful for your trust, and for being that trustworthy person that everyone else is missing out in their lives! Yes, that's right! You're MY trust-buddy! No one else's! We've always been busy bees *winks*, but you've always taken the time to make sure that i was doing okay, no matter what you were doing. Your tireless love and concern has encouraged me to be a better friend to you and to everyone else. Thank you so much for opening up to me and for letting me do the same.

To Joash Chan: It's always been the little, sincere gestures that you've done for me that leave the major imprints. Thanks for the friendly banter, the humor!!, the rad videos, the LISTENING ear, your patience, your quietness, your brotherly advice, your uncensored thoughts, your timely hugs and that classic first edition - box of Pictionary!!! (the darned thing is becoming more popular than "Transformers"!) *folds arms and dwells on jealous thought for a moment* It's strange but from the time we started talking online, i sort of knew you were a keeper. Your honest-speak, transparency and creativity has been nothing short of inspiring. You've helped me resolve to pursue my God-given dreams without relent. And that I will always cherish.

I'd lost a very good friend this year, only to realize that i've gained four more amazing friendships! Why do this? This is simply to serve as a reminder, that God is constantly at work in my life and he has never wanted to leave me high and dry. What I lost, I've gained four-fold, so far. So with my Dream-giver's help, i am consciously pulling myself out of the self-resentment that i've suddenly found myself in. I've been here before. Not too long ago, actually. I recognize the chalk marks on the wall.

The foetus mode - phases of zero self-esteem,
The building up of walls around my heart - making it impossible to trust,
The unproven frustrations - being angry at nothing at all,
The lethargy - being quick and willing to quit,
The melancholy moods and delusions - wrong assumptions and thoughts that destroy my self confidence.

And to be strictly honest, I'm scared to go back there again. So help me God, to focus on things that matter. Help me rid myself of my childishness and self-centredness. This life is not to be wasted on tantrums, this life is not about me. It's about living a life that reflects the glory of our One and Only. Nevertheless, with my borrowed breath, i am evermore grateful for these lives that have impacted mine in ways they themselves will never be able to imagine.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. It's just the beginning.

The Magic Faraway Tree Repost

If there are anymore of you who are still interested in reviewing my latest composition "Far Away", the demo track (or severely deformed recording due to lack of editing skills and software) is available here. I would appreciate as much feedback as i can get! I do have a small threshold for pain but i promised myself to take all criticism. It'll help me improve...and mayhaps even develop a bigger threshold for pain.

But try and be nice.

Pweedhee Pwease? *chuckles*

If you missed the link, here's where to go: http://herbrokenwings.blogspot.com/ Have a listen and let me know!

By the way, this is a scanned page right off my journal!
I found the little things i drew so adorable. Hope you like them too!
(if you're gonna re-post this picture elsewhere, all i ask is that you give me credit for it. Else I'll sue the night-lights off your rear-end. Gotta keep up with the trend, no? Thanks!)

Click to enlarge!

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Fire Up Experience - Part One


Before leaving my house Friday Morning.
Waiting to move.
You could almost feel the excitement brewing!

"He can move the mountains"

Outside my house gates.
Just me and some of the girls that came along.
Adorable Darlings.

"My God is Mighty to Save"

Morning Devotion Saturday Morning.
Recap on Ps Michael Rowan's Night Message. "Quest for Holiness"
Quick study on obedience.

"He is Mighty to Save"

Group Discussion. Presentation.
And I'm wearing purple pants.
Woo Hoo! *goes loony*


After Devotion.
Before heading out for breakfast.
Just lounging around.

"Author of Salvation"

The poor drumset looked lonely.
So we did what other concerned passers-by naturally did.
We posed and took pictures!

"He rose and conquered the grave"

Accomodation: Campus Town!
A GINORMOUS thank you to the folks at GT!!
And to Sunita Philips for helping us secure the rooms.

"Jesus Conquered the grave"

After Breakfast: Futsal!
Special thanks to Lemuel and Joash for inspiring the idea and for being so patient.
The KL team thrashed our team 20 - 8, i heard. *chuckles* I didn't stay to watch it because...

I wanted to play PICTIONARY!!
Taught the girls the basics, and then we began. We had a blast!
Special thanks to Joash for bringing the box of fun. *smiles*

"Fire Fall Down
Fire Fall Down"

The night worship sessions were dynamic.
A lot of energy and skills.
One could easily be taken up by the music.

Nevertheless, because we expected
and anticipated an awesome move of God,
we met him then.
True worship has nothing to do with music.
and everything to do with heart.

What beautiful encounters we've all experienced.
I can't even begin to describe what the conference meant to me.
How it impacted me and the way i thought things should be.

"Fall down on me..."

Lord, i will ever more be amazed by you.
And to you, goodbye.

Pictures' Source:
Our New Shekinah Youth Inferno Webpage! (more pictures to come!!)

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Here it comes, here it comes now!

A Beautiful Collision - David Crowder Band
Awesome Song and Soundtrack of the Day!

Kuala Lumpur...,

Petaling Jaya...,

Segambut, Selayang, Kepong.....,

Here we come!

"Here it comes, a beautiful collision
It's happening now
There seems no end to where you begin and
There I am now
You and I, Collide

Here it comes, Here it comes,
Here it comes now...."

Picture Sources:

Fire Up!

Click here for more information!

Fire is the ultimate litmus test. When thrown in, we finally recognize what we are truly made of. We can be either one of two options:

a) Hay/Wood/Stubble
b) Gold/Precious Stones

Fire here may represent trials, tribulations and circumstances. Sometimes it's divinely brought upon you, but most of the time you bring it upon yourself. Either way, you learn and grow from the aftermath. (Or...you crash and burn.)

I've found that when i'm stuck in a rut, i usually try to work it out by myself - in my way, my terms, my strength. It's definitely good to be resourceful and strong in times like these, but you just have to know when to throw in the towel and rely on someone better or greater than you. You just can't help it if you're on the losing team. Being human is being weak.

In the words of a preschool animated series' jingle, the "Higglytown Heroes",
"Someone special, who could it be?
This job is too big for you and me,
We need some help,
But never fear-o
It looks like a job
For a Higglytown Hero!"

In most cases, I've just chosen to attempt solving everything on my own. Even when it became too big for me. I chose to endure the pain of it all, instead of just letting go of the helm and letting "a Higglytown Hero" help me out.

We're coming down to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow to attend the Fire Up Conference with Michael Rowan and I was talking to Lemuel earlier today about a particular football game we were g0ing to hold Saturday morning for the guys, whilst the girls played Pictionary. Kuala Lumpur vs Taiping. I told him that it might not be a very balanced football match as the Taiping team, in comparison to theirs, might not be so polished in their game. Then, he responded something similar to this line:

"Okay, we'll play that way first. And if they truly suck, we'll swap players."

That made me think a little. When we're losing in a team game or sport, sometimes the only way for you to win, or balance up the game at the very least, would be to "defect", or rather switch to the winning team.

This is not unlike "Osmosis".
Osmosis happens when there are two solutions with different concentrations, in a same container separated by a semi permeable membrane (a sort of skin that allows molecules to pass through). The less concentrated of the two is referred to as the hypotonic solution and its other extreme, the hypertonic solution. Simply put, in order to achieve equilibrium (balance), molecules from each solution passes through the membrane and balances the whole deal out. The solution then becomes isotonic (similar concentration with solution on the other side of the membrane).

Simple phoebeology. But I sidetrack.

God's side is always the winning side. Defecting to God's team isn't such a bad thing. Sure, it's admitting you're weak. But it's also a point of realization -

that God is so much stronger,
and that we are in great need of him.
At least,
I know I personally need him that much anyway.

I hope my bringing the youth group down this weekend will reignite passion, commitment, wisdom and dedication towards fulfilling their God-purpose. I hope the word will speak to their hearts and cause them to rise up for his glory. i hope many things, actually.

So yeah, I'm really excited. 'Cause it's seriously time to turn the radars to what really matters.

Like God.

Picture Sources:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

The Magic Faraway Tree

You remember that book? I'll have to say "The Magic Faraway Tree" was one of my favorite trilogies when i was 8 or 9. Enid Blyton is terribly brilliant with children's stories, don't you agree?

*haha* I was just stalling. This has nothing to do with the book. (Though perhaps somewhere in the future, i could do a quick review about it. I loved it that much!) ANYWAY, returning to matters at hand.

Just to announce that my composition "Far Away", has officially been uploaded.

Here are the usual disclaimers:
This is just a demo and therefore has not been editted much and also the recordings aren't very clean. Give it a listen and i'm open to feedback. Bear in mind though, that i have a low threshhold for pain, so do be kind, my little dears.


Click here to listen.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Sooner or Later

You know something?
I knew.
I saw it coming. I saw myself in it. I saw it all.

I knew it was going to happen.
Sooner or Later.

I knew it was inevitable.
But God, i didn't know it would be so soon.

I'm too tired to sleep.
Too tired to breathe.

But with the little strength i have left today, I must remind myself
That I still believe
ALL things work together for good, for those who love him.
"Oh, God i believe! Please help me believe."
(A Line from
"Sooner or Later")

This song by Switchfoot became my soundtrack for the day for obvious reasons.

Artist: Switchfoot
Sooner Or Later

Come back and haunt me
Follow me home
Give me a motive
Swallow me whole

They say I've lost it
What could I know
When I'm but a mockery
I'm so alone

Sooner or later
you'll find out
There's a hole in the wall

Today is ours
Condemned to be free
Free to keep breathing
Free to believe

I look to find You
Down on my knees
Oh God, I believe!
Please help me believe

Sooner or later
they'll find out
There's a hole in the wall

Sooner or later
you'll find out
That you'll dream to be that small
I'm a believer, help me believe

I gave it all away
and I lost who I am
I threw it all away
With everything to gain
And I'm taking the leap
With dreams of shrinking
Yeah, dreams of shrinking

This video had never felt more real to me than today.
Sink or swim.

I sunk.

Signed in tears.

Monday, June 25, 2007


I woke up today feeling quite drained. Couldn't put my finger on it at first but managed to later. The exhaustion, unmistakable; the strain - specific.

Post Menstrual Syndrome. Gah.

My monday mornings are usually spent doing accounts for my father. It's not such a drag anymore cause i'd made a little spreadsheet form to help with the calculations, tabulations and equations. I never liked numbers, so after a little push from my best friend, i decided to put the few "Excel" formulas i had to good use. I've not regretted since.

However, the counting and the numbers are still horribly daunting and i do wish at times i didn't have to do it. So today, i decided to slack on work a bit. Leave the accounting for another day. Afterall, i had a perfectly good excuse, I thought.

"I'm suffering. Going through a severe case of post menstrual syndrome."

Big, fancy words.

Anyway, right after i decided to abstain from any mental or physical work today, I opened my little journal, penned some thoughts down. I usually did that to prepare myself for quiet time. To get myself into a more focused zone. When i was ready, I was going to flip over to a chapter in Psalms (I'm on this bout to finish the whole book) but a verse caught my eye.

Proverbs 6:6-11

6 Go to the ant, you sluggard;
consider its ways and be wise!

And then OF COURSE I had to go ahead and read the rest of it! Not unlike a spider's web waiting for a pathetic little phoebe-bug to fly gab-smack into it and get tangled up in it's shimmery grasp.

7 It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler,

8 yet it stores its provisions in summer
and gathers its food at harvest.

9 How long will you lie there, you sluggard?
When will you get up from your sleep?

10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-

11 and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.

What apt timing! I thought. The day i decided to be lazy, the day i claimed as my own, the day i succumbed to lethargy. I could've laughed it off. I mean, surely that happened out of pure coincidence.

I took this myself!

But even if it had happened coincidentally, I had too receptive a conscience to let it just flit by unattended. Just reading those verses made me disappear into my thoughts. And the thoughts never left me.

"Consider its ways and be wise."

I decided to just read up about ants then. And I learned a thing or two today from the ants, which is more than i ever thought i could. I'd always wondered about it before. I may have waved it off when i was younger, thinking that was all that was to it. That ants were hardworking cause it just worked its butt off till it died.

Browsing websites, this were some of the facts that i learned:

"The ants are to be admired for their discipline and for how each chore necessary for the successful running of the nest is assigned to various colony members, and for how these chores are meticulously carried out." Strike One!

"Sometimes when catastrophe happens, the ants respond quickly by adapting their duties to overcome the problem." I hadn't realized how human they were! Strike Two!

"The ants constantly educate their young, teaching younger ants the tricks of the trade." Strike Three!

"It has been estimated that an ant's brain may have the same processing power as a Macintosh II computer." And I was OUT!

Jokes aside, I decided that since i could let myself choose to play the sloth today, I could also let myself choose to be a little more productive and do what was needed of me. If I didn't do this, my dad would have to postpone his trip to the bank and tomorrow would end up a maddening rush of chores.

Lesson #1: Be disciplined and do what is needed of you today.

The ants could adapt themselves to situations, changing skills and duties to fit circumstances, responding quickly to any problem that arose. Instead of even trying to adapt to my tasks and chores to better suit the circumstances, i chose to not do it at all.

Lesson #2: Be flexible. Don't resolve to quit before you've even tried. Phoegure out ideas to best suit conditions.

Even the ants knew that educating th new generation was essential as the future of the colony depended on its continuity, whether it be tending their aphids (like cows), scouting for food, ensuring security, cleaning, etc.

Lesson #3: Teach somebody what i know so that they can take over when I couldn't do it anymore. This can also avoid unnecessary stress.

Eventually i realized, God was indeed speaking to me. In way i could never imagine. If i didn't update the accounts today, then nobody would; heaping more work for tomorrow on top of the errands and journeys I would have to make on Tuesdays anyway. At 6-ish in the evening, my tummy still kicking up a fuss, I began my accounts.

I found out that if i put enough pressure on my tummy, the pain subsides. So i set up my laptop on the floor, and layed with my tummy on a cushion and did the accounts that way the whole time. And it helped. A lot.

I also got my sister to stick around and explained formulas and instructed her as to how to utilize the spreadsheet form. She caught up pretty quick. So today's accounting session was memorable and somewhat more enjoyable to an extent.

I even had enough strength leftover to do a bit more for the church noticeboard and other small errands. I still feel invigorated and inspired. I'd best write a bit in my journal and turn in for now though. It is best not to run on borrowed strength anyway.

Oh by the way, how was your day?

Thanks for the extra fuel I needed, Lord.