Gah.

Weddings and marriage engagements appear most depressing to me at the moment. I've attended a wedding reception and a wedding engagement this month, and have found myself being so fidgety, both in my seat and in my mind. It gets really hard to bear especially these days.

I find myself so drawn back, so analytical, so... strange. I'm beginning to dislike myself with the greatest intensity. I used to be such a romantic too. I loved weddings. I loved sharing in the joy of matrimonial, i loved the smiles, the excitement, the friends, the lights, the food, the clothes, the other-guests'-babies! I would just sit back and observe the happy couple and anticipate the best for them.

I can't say I'm not happy for good friends who've tied the knot. Truly, i am. But I've lost the genuineness of excitement, the innocence of romance; and i have traded it in for sombre skepticism. And truth be told, it vacuums. I really want to be happy in weddings again. But i guess these phases take time.

Don't worry this post isn't really about hate or weddings. Or even the hate of weddings. I just decided to use it as an analogy to introduce the thoughts that have been orbiting my mind this month.

It's really horrible when you suddenly realize you're constricted to this invisible entrapment, leaving you clueless as to how to get out. Can you picture a 6-year-old, pressing his button nose against a glass door, wishing he could go out and play; having no one to play with, he just decides to remain indoors anyway? Well, picture that and you probably have a basic picture of me. That's generally how I feel at this point. And you know what? It's even harder to know that the only thing standing between me and the fun outside is not the glass door - but rather, it's just me.

We wage war against ourselves everyday - in simple decisions, in our academics, in communication, in food consumption, in socializing, in work-related activities, etc. Not necessarily a bad thing. But what if you're just so deluged in arguments that you just haven't the slightest idea what to do? Or what if you're just so flooded with ideas, justifications - that it confuses your perception? Or what if your thoughts make you so uncertain if your actions are truly as platonic (unselfishly motivated) as you believe?

Does all this matter anyway? I strive so hard to be unselfish, to be true to my word, a friend in whatever circumstance. But i struggle in my own battle of thoughts and hurt. A war waged within.

Who can help?

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

(Psalm 121:1 & 2)

I need you, Lord.