Thinking of you, dear friend.

Sincerely,
Phoebe Dufus.

Of death and other edible things.

So I'm back again.

Once again, I have no good excuse to offer you, no mind-boggling tale of which to enchant young minds into believing in a world of the unknown - a good yarn spun to document why I haven't written in awhile. No.

In the most diluted sense, I have been busy. And to you, my dear friend Joash, I offer my heartfelt apologies.

And without further monkeying around:

I've been learning to value life differently since I've been here. I am with close friends who've either experienced near death, seen death, dreamed death, watched death take away someone they love -- but death all the same. It's a hard thing to grasp, death. But it's even more fantastic a thought to know that death is life to us. The very foundation of faith. The stitches that hold the seams.

To be rid of the normal expectations; No, this is not a paper about death. These are just disgruntled thoughts, that I will gradually (hopefully!) piece together at the end - forming the distorted image of what I've been thinking about recently.

Death has always seemed more melancholy than what it is -- mainly because of the pain of separation. We experience an ounce (maybe less) of it when we say goodbye to someone we dearly love[d]. Whether of a relationship, family, or close friend. The very act of leaving -- the possibility of not seeing the other for a long time, (or perhaps even ever) cuts a little (if not a lot). Leaves us broken. Hopeless.

In the world we live in, it is commonly seen in age, mistakes, accidents, war, disease, murder and the like. The Circle of Life. But i wonder what it looks like from God's point of view. A teleportation device? II Corinthians 5:8 ("To be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord.") I wonder if our world could not be likened to a virtual world: Like a scene out of the manga, "Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles". (Get over yourself, look it up.) Where you fall out of the world when you're dead - and things finally make sense. C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle, really.

But then we wonder, why the hassle of creating virtual reality, right? Why can't we just be? If there is a God, why is he putting us through what seems to be a test site? Rumor has it (valid source), we did this to ourselves. Death itself is caused by a darkness that we seem to play a lot in. Sin. (Romans 6:23) (oh, don't roll your eyes. death never was for the "logical"; neither is it for the faint-hearted.)

If this is temporary, why do we try so hard?

Hebrews 9:27 says, There is judgement after death. So, there is a God who is just. There is payment for injustice. There is payment for wrongdoing. This is why we are in consistent despair, emptiness and loneliness. Despair. We understand what despair is, because we have experienced it's antithesis. (I.e. I understand what darkness is, because I have seen light.) Therefore, if there is despair -

There is hope.

There is more to life than death - and I have nothing to fear in death. In fact, it's been conquered. It's a battle I no longer have to fight against/for. My more current quest, is to strive for purity. Never fully achievable -- but to be sought after with Christ.

But again, this query remains: why do I have to try so hard? For me, it is a simple answer, but a difficult task to accomplish.

I am not my own. The salary that is deposited into my account, the time I squander, the words I speak. It's all a deposit.

My life belongs to someone else, subject to the bidding of one greater than I. Kind of like chess...somewhat. Slavery? No. I still have freedom to go my way and ruin this game, if I haven't already. But I am doing it for the sake of finishing this final battle we call life. Even though it's already won. For the glory of the Chess Master.

Think final episode of "Band of Brothers". The company still experienced death and hardships, though the war was already over. While waiting to be reassigned or return home - many died in the most ridiculous of ways.

I used to think I was great at damage control. But I am nothing compared to THE ultimate damage control extraordinaire. The author and finisher of our faiths. So I'm sticking to him who knows what this mess of thoughts mean; I'm sticking to him who knows my end.

So even if my life is truly shorter than what most intend, I will still say - Since all of this is for the glory of our Chess Master,

It is well, with my soul.

Nothing

A new song I wrote. Music by Haeman Teo.
http://album.timothylarson.com/displayimage.php?pos=-2584
(click to listen)

The constant nagging of quiet surrender
persistent pelting of silent thoughts
who knows what goes on behind the eyes of another?
smiles and tears; clues are all we've got

Hidden dreams that are lost forever
Forbidden bonds that are hard to sever
But what do we do with our displaced observations?
Shake our heads in deep frustration?

We've nothing more than what we've brought
What we have is what we've got
Nothing less than who we are

Stop being something we're not.

'Cause we build and break
and break and build
And we try and try to be free but still
Remain in invisible screens
Like movies in gray

Press On, Babe!

Printed on card:

"Phoebe Mathius (American Degree Transfer Program):

Press On, Babe!

Michelle"

You have no idea how much i'd almost wanted to burst into tears then.

Earlier today, I had been feeling quite miserable. I had begun warring with my thoughts since before my 8am Chemistry class and it was beginning to take its toll on me. My courage and self-esteem level was dropping drastically at every argument and i was beginning to feel exhausted from being so brave. Still, my mind was relentless and cruelly persisted in coming up with the most hurtful and provoking of questions and thoughts.

I had brought my Bible to school today as always, and i was so glad to run away by myself after class to read. I knew i could always count on God to hear my distress; to comfort and strengthen me - with merely a whisper. And whisper he did.

Psalm 65:7

"You who still the noise of the seas,

The noise of their waves,

And the tumult of the peoples."

All i could do was just sit in awe and wonder of him. He truly knew. Instantly, i felt his significance in me just seep in again. He reminded me, at the snap of his fingers, of the dreams he gave me, the race i was running, the purpose in my life that had yet to be fulfilled. God was really getting me to refocus on him, the bigger picture. And i was so humbled. He whispered more promises through his word and i have scribbled them down on my journal. I came away from my corner, feeling like God himself had given me the biggest hug in history.

But it didn't end there.

It was then that i received a text message informing me that i had to collect something at the Department of Economics. I was bewildered. I mean, what on earth? I wasn't even an accounting or business student! I knew Michelle was, but not me! I headed to Wisma HELP cautiously, wary of a practical joke. But i needn't have worried. I was given this lovely breakfast package and it had a bloomin' rose! Can you believe it? A ROSE! My first this year! (See picture above.)

Reading the card was like getting struck by lightning. "Press On" were the two words I KNEW God was trying to say to me! My skin tingled, my palms were sweaty and my eyes were very close to flooding. Even as i type this, my single rose stalk rests in a bottle on my sister's office desk. It will serve as a reminder to me for years to come. Thank you so much, Michelle Melissa Foo, for being such an inspiration.

As if that wasn't enough. I receive a call from the lovely Tabitha just before lunch. She called and was just being her bubbly self. We talked about things irrelevant and otherwise *chuckles*, as usual. Surely, she couldn't have known how much i'd needed her kind attention and time, right at that moment? It's crazy how God works, but I am not complaining. He has apt timing! *laughs* Thank you for being my ambassador for encouragement, Tabitha Ong.

Thank you, Lord, My Friend Forever, for being here for me. My heart is yours Always.

Gah.

Weddings and marriage engagements appear most depressing to me at the moment. I've attended a wedding reception and a wedding engagement this month, and have found myself being so fidgety, both in my seat and in my mind. It gets really hard to bear especially these days.

I find myself so drawn back, so analytical, so... strange. I'm beginning to dislike myself with the greatest intensity. I used to be such a romantic too. I loved weddings. I loved sharing in the joy of matrimonial, i loved the smiles, the excitement, the friends, the lights, the food, the clothes, the other-guests'-babies! I would just sit back and observe the happy couple and anticipate the best for them.

I can't say I'm not happy for good friends who've tied the knot. Truly, i am. But I've lost the genuineness of excitement, the innocence of romance; and i have traded it in for sombre skepticism. And truth be told, it vacuums. I really want to be happy in weddings again. But i guess these phases take time.

Don't worry this post isn't really about hate or weddings. Or even the hate of weddings. I just decided to use it as an analogy to introduce the thoughts that have been orbiting my mind this month.

It's really horrible when you suddenly realize you're constricted to this invisible entrapment, leaving you clueless as to how to get out. Can you picture a 6-year-old, pressing his button nose against a glass door, wishing he could go out and play; having no one to play with, he just decides to remain indoors anyway? Well, picture that and you probably have a basic picture of me. That's generally how I feel at this point. And you know what? It's even harder to know that the only thing standing between me and the fun outside is not the glass door - but rather, it's just me.

We wage war against ourselves everyday - in simple decisions, in our academics, in communication, in food consumption, in socializing, in work-related activities, etc. Not necessarily a bad thing. But what if you're just so deluged in arguments that you just haven't the slightest idea what to do? Or what if you're just so flooded with ideas, justifications - that it confuses your perception? Or what if your thoughts make you so uncertain if your actions are truly as platonic (unselfishly motivated) as you believe?

Does all this matter anyway? I strive so hard to be unselfish, to be true to my word, a friend in whatever circumstance. But i struggle in my own battle of thoughts and hurt. A war waged within.

Who can help?

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

(Psalm 121:1 & 2)

I need you, Lord.

Lethargy

I woke up today feeling quite drained. Couldn't put my finger on it at first but managed to later. The exhaustion, unmistakable; the strain - specific.

Post Menstrual Syndrome. Gah.

My monday mornings are usually spent doing accounts for my father. It's not such a drag anymore cause i'd made a little spreadsheet form to help with the calculations, tabulations and equations. I never liked numbers, so after a little push from my best friend, i decided to put the few "Excel" formulas i had to good use. I've not regretted since.

However, the counting and the numbers are still horribly daunting and i do wish at times i didn't have to do it. So today, i decided to slack on work a bit. Leave the accounting for another day. Afterall, i had a perfectly good excuse, I thought.

"I'm suffering. Going through a severe case of post menstrual syndrome."

Big, fancy words.

Anyway, right after i decided to abstain from any mental or physical work today, I opened my little journal, penned some thoughts down. I usually did that to prepare myself for quiet time. To get myself into a more focused zone. When i was ready, I was going to flip over to a chapter in Psalms (I'm on this bout to finish the whole book) but a verse caught my eye.

Proverbs 6:6-11

6 Go to the ant, you sluggard;
consider its ways and be wise!

And then OF COURSE I had to go ahead and read the rest of it! Not unlike a spider's web waiting for a pathetic little phoebe-bug to fly gab-smack into it and get tangled up in it's shimmery grasp.

7 It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler,

8 yet it stores its provisions in summer
and gathers its food at harvest.

9 How long will you lie there, you sluggard?
When will you get up from your sleep?

10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-

11 and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.

What apt timing! I thought. The day i decided to be lazy, the day i claimed as my own, the day i succumbed to lethargy. I could've laughed it off. I mean, surely that happened out of pure coincidence.

I took this myself!

But even if it had happened coincidentally, I had too receptive a conscience to let it just flit by unattended. Just reading those verses made me disappear into my thoughts. And the thoughts never left me.

"Consider its ways and be wise."

I decided to just read up about ants then. And I learned a thing or two today from the ants, which is more than i ever thought i could. I'd always wondered about it before. I may have waved it off when i was younger, thinking that was all that was to it. That ants were hardworking cause it just worked its butt off till it died.

Browsing websites, this were some of the facts that i learned:

"The ants are to be admired for their discipline and for how each chore necessary for the successful running of the nest is assigned to various colony members, and for how these chores are meticulously carried out." Strike One!

"Sometimes when catastrophe happens, the ants respond quickly by adapting their duties to overcome the problem." I hadn't realized how human they were! Strike Two!

"The ants constantly educate their young, teaching younger ants the tricks of the trade." Strike Three!

"It has been estimated that an ant's brain may have the same processing power as a Macintosh II computer." And I was OUT!

Jokes aside, I decided that since i could let myself choose to play the sloth today, I could also let myself choose to be a little more productive and do what was needed of me. If I didn't do this, my dad would have to postpone his trip to the bank and tomorrow would end up a maddening rush of chores.

Lesson #1: Be disciplined and do what is needed of you today.

The ants could adapt themselves to situations, changing skills and duties to fit circumstances, responding quickly to any problem that arose. Instead of even trying to adapt to my tasks and chores to better suit the circumstances, i chose to not do it at all.

Lesson #2: Be flexible. Don't resolve to quit before you've even tried. Phoegure out ideas to best suit conditions.

Even the ants knew that educating th new generation was essential as the future of the colony depended on its continuity, whether it be tending their aphids (like cows), scouting for food, ensuring security, cleaning, etc.

Lesson #3: Teach somebody what i know so that they can take over when I couldn't do it anymore. This can also avoid unnecessary stress.

Eventually i realized, God was indeed speaking to me. In way i could never imagine. If i didn't update the accounts today, then nobody would; heaping more work for tomorrow on top of the errands and journeys I would have to make on Tuesdays anyway. At 6-ish in the evening, my tummy still kicking up a fuss, I began my accounts.

I found out that if i put enough pressure on my tummy, the pain subsides. So i set up my laptop on the floor, and layed with my tummy on a cushion and did the accounts that way the whole time. And it helped. A lot.

I also got my sister to stick around and explained formulas and instructed her as to how to utilize the spreadsheet form. She caught up pretty quick. So today's accounting session was memorable and somewhat more enjoyable to an extent.

I even had enough strength leftover to do a bit more for the church noticeboard and other small errands. I still feel invigorated and inspired. I'd best write a bit in my journal and turn in for now though. It is best not to run on borrowed strength anyway.

Oh by the way, how was your day?

Thanks for the extra fuel I needed, Lord.

I wish

I wish the plans i'd made, could somehow, sometime come to pass.
I wish the dreams we had could just somehow, someway, last.

I wish i was a little stronger to stand this gaping void.
I wish we were more stronger than just end up numb, like droids.

I wish i was less arrogant, less pumped up in my pride,
I wish i could forget the thorn that's digging in my side.

I wish to catch a movie with two good friends, maybe three,
I wish to laugh and smile and talk; please say you will agree?

I wish to be all i can be, succeed in all i can,
I wish that they will hold me in high regard by then.

I wish my corner of the sky was a little more than dim,
I wish i could let my life revolve a lot more around him.

I wish to be a writer someday, though i may suck now,
I wish to keep practicing till i master the know-how.

I wish to be a singer, songwriter, and reliable band member,
I wish to be able to pass on messages, all can remember.

I wish to keep on praying, hoping for the best for you,
I wish i could get over the fact that roses can be blue.

I wish to know how tears can stop, how sadness can dissolve,
I wish to know how hearts can mend, how problems can be solved.

I wish i'd known, i wish i'd known, how it all would end,
I wish to never regret the day i let you hold my hand.

I wish all the plans you've made will have their chance at human-reality,
I wish to see you do your work, show the world your amazing ability!

I wish and wish and wish all night, in hope it'd all come true,
I wish to be all perfect, the day, the hour i see you.

-Phoebe Lee Matthews, completed at 22:46
(I drew that picture up there using my little brother's cheap crayons one night, and found the simple doodle quite intriguing. I could just finish the "I wish" sentence anyway i wanted! And so that inspired me to write this spontaneous piece. Hope you find it just as intriguing. Write your own and share with me sometime!)

Good News

You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, "Here is your God!"
-Isaiah 40:9

It's amazing how much one lost Bible can affect so much of me. I've been trying to survive without my Bible for the past few days, borrowing my sister's pink (don't ask) bible to do quiet time with my Lord. I felt disconnected somewhat, reading someone else's bible, but was immediately comforted when i engrossed myself with his word again.

I could've forgotten that it wasn't mine, actually. Until of course, i stumbled across a favorite verse. A verse I had highlighted in my own bible, in fluorescent orange, with a note or two added next it. It seemed empty and bare in my sister's bible. (She didn't like to color hers.) And strangely, that made me feel uncomfortable and disconnected all over again. It's like having a bad Internet connection and having to establish one over and over again due to its instability. Frustrating.

I miss my Bible. But above all, I miss him. I feel the urge to pray every other minute, now that my bible isn't with me. It's as if I hadn't done something i ought. Or as if there's something else i should do. I'm losing focus. I'm forgetting important things. And I left my blinkin' cellphone in the apartment today! Gah.

Maybe i'll just try reading an online Bible. *leaves blogging window to browse other windows*

*returns excitedly after 15 minutes*

Oh my! OH MY!

I'm so excited! Was just chatting with my sibling and she has just informed me that my Bible has been recovered! It waits for me in Taiping!

Oh my Lord, what good news! I'll be seeing you tonight and i can't wait. And this time, no more distractions.

My New Bible.

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other
-delirious

Sometimes I wish I was a tad less blind and a little more receptive.

Mom got me a small new bible (after my gigantic one) and ever since, i've been more than engrossed with it. It's like reading it all for the very first time. Maybe i just like new books. Maybe i've just gotten accustomed to the color, the print of my old Bible - that a fresh look seemed more attractive to me. I don't really know.

But his love letters have always been the same. It's rock solid. And I? I, in comparison, am phoeckle and so very phoeble.

Yes, a new bible is a very poor reason to fall in love with him again, but it helped me remember, refocus and recharge. I may be ashamed of this, but it just demonstrates how truly beautiful he is.

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

It breaks my heart to think that he had waited for me every night at our local coffee place (.g. Olden Days Kopitiam), ordering a drink for two and my favorite dish (e.g. "Olden Days Sauce Chicken Rice") for us to share... the both of us. But i never would show.

I treasure every moment we spend together now. Like a desperate lover. Like I couldn't breathe without seeing him. Like i couldn't live without spending time with him, like i couldn't sleep without talking to him.

Because I truly couldn't.

He never did change. He still kept on loving me even when i changed. And i did change. Countless times. Comfortably switching loyalties, as if it were a game of monopoly.

Sometimes I wish I was a tad less blind and a little more receptive.

I could never forgive myself for leaving you hanging like that.... I don't even treat my friends the way i did you! How could I have claimed that I loved you? How could I? Yet...

...you forgive me and still love me.

Why didn't I see? Why was i cursed with this blindness?

My new bible had an answer waiting for me. John 9. There was a man who was blind from birth, begging in the streets and Jesus' disciples had asked him whose fault it was that that man was born blind. Jesus' answer?

John 9:3b
"...but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

*chuckles* I sometimes laugh at how down-to-earth his love letters are. I was blind in my naivete, but I had to be. How then could he impress me? I will never be able to comprehend the depth of his love.

He uses my weakness - my blindness, as a chance for me to get to know him. He never took the opportunity to use it against me or derogatorily. He used it for his glory. My lover.

There's also the other extreme. I was blind so that he could show his healing. Where it simply displays his awesome power, his influence (his pectorals? *chuckles*). That he is able to give and also take away. My hero.

John 9:39
Jesus said, "For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind."

He truly is amazing. And it's breathtaking to be in a relationship with him.

Sometimes I wish I was a tad less blind and a little more receptive.

I'm distraught today. I've lost my new Bible. I can't believe it's gone! All his letters to me, gone! Of all things to steal, of all things to lose. Gah.

I want it back. I need it back.

I'm meeting him tonight.

Paper Aeroplanes

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my former band leader, Kelvyn Yeang. We were talking about the new songs I've been writing, and he told me that he was interested to "hear" what the lyrics sounded like. (I blog my new compositions and lyrics here.) So, I promised a quick demo with a bit of piano so that he can get a feel of what the music was supposed to sound like too.

Intermission: Kelvyn Yeang is the band leader of the very successful, Ocean of Fire. I used to sing for them back in 2005. Now, they're back to being an instrumental band. They secured a good second place in the Asian Beat finals this year (yes, that's against other asian countries) and Kelvyn won the "Best Guitarist" label. Well, deserved. Nevertheless, Ocean of Fire is still Asian Beat's Malaysian Champions. They bagged the Best Guitarist, Best Bassist, Best Drummer titles in the Malaysian Finals. And the only titles they couldn't attain were because they had no vocalist or keyboardist. No kidding. *smiles* By the way, if you, for some reason, prefer videos over audio convenience on their myspace sites, check out this awesome Ocean of Fire video then!

Kelvyn is a great moral support and encouragement when it comes to my music. He's always interested and this really motivates me to go on writing stuff. Needless to say, I've been pretty reclusive about most of my stuff till lately. (And that's thanks to my best friend. He gives the best pep talks!) I have this thing of belittling the stuff that i do or come up with, i tend to answer questions for other people, without giving them OR my work a chance. I'm slowly breaking out of that shell. Nudge me if you hear me going down that whirpool again. *smiles*

But I digress.

I'm supposed to be talking about my recent composition. So anyway, a couple of weeks after my promise, I officially have a sketchy recording (that i had trouble controlling at first) to give Kelvyn, or anyone really, a basic idea of how my song, "Paper Aeroplanes" should sound like. And it was fun. Seriously. I really can picture myself doing this for the rest of my life. This is one of the only things that i am really passionate about (after God).

This recording starts immediately at the first verse (which means it lacks an intro), goes heavy into the chorus as if the song had alreay built up and was ending (hence the many layers of vocals), and then ends abruptly mid-verse 2. If you, for some reason, were interested in listening to my one minute's worth "demo" track, go here.

To those who haven't frequented my Lyrics Blog much (you fall into the same category, if you didn't before know such a place existed), here are the lyrics to Paper Aeroplanes.

Paper Aeroplanes (a work in progress...)
Music and Lyrics by Phoebe Lee Matthews

Verse I:
Paper aeroplane
it flies
i remain
and i'm left envious
wishing i
was engineered
to fly, to
disappear
to where there
are no fears
where i can
rest in knowing
you are near...

Pre-chorus:
i'm too afraid
of moving
i'm seeing red
instead of green
i'm feeling dead
though living
i'm moving straight
when i should be
turning...

Chorus:
How can i breakaway
when everything moves in a wheel
Can i just step ahead
when everything else lays so still
i need to get to you
before i lose sight of
everything hoped for
and everything yearned for
in...

Verse II:
paper aeroplanes
they unfold
yet i'm the same
i wish to be
that piece of white
heaving darkness to the light

Disclaimer: Yes, i played the piano and yes, i may suck like a vaccuum but this is just for people to get the basic idea of the song. The quality of the recording is not so good and i beg you not to give me a hard time about this. This song was also not meant for the piano entirely, but i can't play the guitar well....yet.

Thanks for bearing with. *salutes*

Take Courage, Have Hope

Playing around with photo-slideshows.

Faith is the evidence of things Hoped for.