Friday, November 6, 2009

What He did Today.

He renewed my hope.

That he is all-knowing and shows himself strong.

That circumstances are reversible.

That we are not defeated.

That Phanuel can be free.

Thank you, God.

"AUTISM YESTERDAY" Autism is Reversible from JB Handley.

Friday, October 23, 2009


 I've started writing new songs again. Here's a basic idea of my new composition.

It is.

and it is amazing
and it is impatient
and it is swelling
in its berated excitement
in my chest, no rest, no rest
and then its here
but you never wanted it to come

and you keep wondering where time goes so suddenly

as quickly as it is now, it soon was, then that was then.
Did that just really happen?

More to come.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Bluetree - God of this City

The true story.


Cool graphics for fellow nerds.


Monday, September 21, 2009

Fall 2009

Hurrah. It's Autumn again!

If I ever live to see it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Bon appetit!

So we had a potluck at my office (International Program Center) on campus last Friday. And everyone was expected to cook something and bring it to share.

I, of course, defaulted to a Malaysian meal and did Tom Yam Fried Rice. (And it was amazing, might i just say. Dusts collar.)

We also opened the potluck up for any person who stepped into the office space. So a Malaysian undergraduate student, Pravin Namby, and an Indian graduate student Sudhir ate my fried rice and had awesome things to say about it. (I wasn't kidding when I said it turned out pretty awesome.) But nothing prepared me for what happened next.

About the same time Namby and Sudhir was in sampling food, in came an African student named, Ben Doso. After eating the tom yam fried rice, he asked if he could google something for me. I offered him my deskspace and watched intently over his shoulder as he typed,

"riz au gras."

... I kept watching as he navigated his cursor to the top of the Google Search Page he was on and clicked on "Images". "There, look," Ben said, pointing to the picture on the screen.

"That's Riz Au Gras," he said, smiling. "Doesn't it look similar to what you cooked?"

Wow, I thought. It really did. So i nodded and asked, "Does it taste anything like it though?"

"Yes, more or less," came the answer.

"So, what you ate just now was more or less french?"

Ben Doso nods, amused.

Meanwhile, within the skull of the Phoebe-Brain, my logic began to kick into gear.

Premise 1: Tom Yam Fried Rice tastes like a french dish (Riz au Gras).
Premise 2: I can cook Tom Yam Fried Rice.
Conclusion: I can cook a French DISH!!!!

The realization seeped in slow. But it came, just the same. I had thought, the day I mastered the ways of the Shepherd's Pie, that that was probably as far as it got for me when it came to trying out international recipes.

But why work so hard, when homeland cooking resembles that of french cuisine? w00t!

By the by, Riz Au Gras is pronounced:
Riz = Rrhee
Au = Oh
Gras = Grraa

(the "r" sounds like a gurgle at the back of your throat)

I can cook Riz Au Gras. A FRENCH Meal. Hoho!
As Phua Chu Kang says (Character, Singaporean Sitcom), "Don't play-play ah...."

What have you learnt to cook recently? ;)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Thinking of you, dear friend.

Phoebe Dufus.

Monday, August 3, 2009

All Together Now: Roooad Trrrip!

My friends and I have just returned from a ten day roadtrip to Yellowstone and back. We went through the North Dakotan Badlands, and hopped-skipped-and-jumped over to Yellowstone; and dove into the Tetons, and escaped via the South Dakotan Badlands. Back to home sweet home - in Bemidji, that is. (All that talk of heading home in the car, raised emotions about my home country, Malaysia. And I was quiet for awhile to think on that too.) ANYWAY,

It was superbly amazing! None of the pictures have been uploaded yet. Soon you'll see me being tagged on 'em on Facebook. I have no camera of my own, I used to loan my school's Cannon-pro cameras for personal projects or assignments. However, now that school is still out and summer is on (though almost over), I have no picture capturing device. Of my own, that is.

One of the highlights of the trip is and will always be our conversations. We had two bible studies between, talking about the same chapter I Corinthians 13.

That's right, LOVE.

We participated in Bible Study at Rob's a couple of weeks ago, about the same chapter and decided to do our own on the same one. There were so many things that we felt we still needed to understand. And today, I doubt I have fully grasped the full meaning of God's love.

I remember asking God in yesteryears to "teach me to love the way you love". I REALLY, TRULY did not know what I was asking for. And till today, God is still teaching me to love people: the types of people I don't necessarily jive with, that don't necessarily share my wavelength - and still; there is much to learn.

Question to self: Why is it so hard?

One of my dear friends had many questions too. Not the regular questions; some really provocative ones that made me think a lot about how i was conveying love (not any love, God's love) to the people around me. Even if it boils down to simple chores like dish-washing. How do I show love? Why can't there be expectations? Should we expect people to do something? Or should we do it out of love without resent? How can we not resent? Do we strive to be God-like in that way? Or are we allowing people spelunk on the very nook and crevices of our soft head? Another dear friend of mine shared about her fears and how she's dealing with them. Another shared about struggles.

It was amazing to hear all of us share our true stories, how it affects us. And I joke not, the stories shared are not for the faint of heart. Many tied to death.

And you wonder. And I wonder.

Will God be pleased with the final outcome of our race? Read I Corinthians 13 again with us too.

Oh, and..

I love you.

p/s I got invited for dinner tonight! Yay for progress!
p/p/s I leave you with a soundtrack for the day:

Like yesterday is
Like history is
The world keeps spinning on
You're going, going
Like Summer Break is
Like Saturday is
Just tryin' to prove me wrong
You pretend like you're immortal

-Switchfoot, for the win.
(Got to touch Jon Foreman again at Sonshine, by the way. *Laughs the hysterics down*)

Friday, July 24, 2009

Of death and other edible things.

So I'm back again.

Once again, I have no good excuse to offer you, no mind-boggling tale of which to enchant young minds into believing in a world of the unknown - a good yarn spun to document why I haven't written in awhile. No.

In the most diluted sense, I have been busy. And to you, my dear friend Joash, I offer my heartfelt apologies.

And without further monkeying around:

I've been learning to value life differently since I've been here. I am with close friends who've either experienced near death, seen death, dreamed death, watched death take away someone they love -- but death all the same. It's a hard thing to grasp, death. But it's even more fantastic a thought to know that death is life to us. The very foundation of faith. The stitches that hold the seams.

To be rid of the normal expectations; No, this is not a paper about death. These are just disgruntled thoughts, that I will gradually (hopefully!) piece together at the end - forming the distorted image of what I've been thinking about recently.

Death has always seemed more melancholy than what it is -- mainly because of the pain of separation. We experience an ounce (maybe less) of it when we say goodbye to someone we dearly love[d]. Whether of a relationship, family, or close friend. The very act of leaving -- the possibility of not seeing the other for a long time, (or perhaps even ever) cuts a little (if not a lot). Leaves us broken. Hopeless.

In the world we live in, it is commonly seen in age, mistakes, accidents, war, disease, murder and the like. The Circle of Life. But i wonder what it looks like from God's point of view. A teleportation device? II Corinthians 5:8 ("To be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord.") I wonder if our world could not be likened to a virtual world: Like a scene out of the manga, "Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles". (Get over yourself, look it up.) Where you fall out of the world when you're dead - and things finally make sense. C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle, really.

But then we wonder, why the hassle of creating virtual reality, right? Why can't we just be? If there is a God, why is he putting us through what seems to be a test site? Rumor has it (valid source), we did this to ourselves. Death itself is caused by a darkness that we seem to play a lot in. Sin. (Romans 6:23) (oh, don't roll your eyes. death never was for the "logical"; neither is it for the faint-hearted.)

If this is temporary, why do we try so hard?

Hebrews 9:27 says, There is judgement after death. So, there is a God who is just. There is payment for injustice. There is payment for wrongdoing. This is why we are in consistent despair, emptiness and loneliness. Despair. We understand what despair is, because we have experienced it's antithesis. (I.e. I understand what darkness is, because I have seen light.) Therefore, if there is despair -

There is hope.

There is more to life than death - and I have nothing to fear in death. In fact, it's been conquered. It's a battle I no longer have to fight against/for. My more current quest, is to strive for purity. Never fully achievable -- but to be sought after with Christ.

But again, this query remains: why do I have to try so hard? For me, it is a simple answer, but a difficult task to accomplish.

I am not my own. The salary that is deposited into my account, the time I squander, the words I speak. It's all a deposit.

My life belongs to someone else, subject to the bidding of one greater than I. Kind of like chess...somewhat. Slavery? No. I still have freedom to go my way and ruin this game, if I haven't already. But I am doing it for the sake of finishing this final battle we call life. Even though it's already won. For the glory of the Chess Master.

Think final episode of "Band of Brothers". The company still experienced death and hardships, though the war was already over. While waiting to be reassigned or return home - many died in the most ridiculous of ways.

I used to think I was great at damage control. But I am nothing compared to THE ultimate damage control extraordinaire. The author and finisher of our faiths. So I'm sticking to him who knows what this mess of thoughts mean; I'm sticking to him who knows my end.

So even if my life is truly shorter than what most intend, I will still say - Since all of this is for the glory of our Chess Master,

It is well, with my soul.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

So, question.... (or Blonde Moments)


I came to America, right? And landed myself some good friends. Two of them eventually hooked up. All of us still hangout, thanks to the fact that we all know each other. NO changes there. But i have two other friends who are still single, beside me. I know both of them are looking, but for the right one. I see that. But sometimes, i feel so selfish. I get so afraid that things will start changing among us as a group. I didn't realize that i was being very selfish by hanging out with them too much. Rob Mahto was giving a bible study about LOVE yesterday and Jesus is the ultimate example of a life that overflows with love. And here am i, a little afraid about some changes that are BOUND to happen eventually anyway. I can't stop life from happening. HOWEVER, I can stop my life from being self-seeking.


Change Happens, right? Let it be! Change is growth. and Growth is good. Good friends are for always, and have no conditions, no excuses. We say this is a cliche, something we hear everyday. But are we truly listening? It will be a growing experience for all of us. I think I need to start opening up the circle, and invite MORE good Christian men and women into it. and Maybe,just maybe my close friends could find their soul mates through positive, and healthy interaction. One of my close friends told me that I am an initiator. I start things up, and they help me execute them. And they were talking about me setting up events for them to get to know more people. I struggled with this because i'm not exactly liking the idea of having to host 20 people all at once, all the time! I like the quiet 5. But now that i know they actually depend on me to organize things like these...what exactly am i doing with that? On the one hand, I felt a little sulky. Why on earth do I have to initiate this? on the other hand, Why am i NOT initiating activities and meetings that matter?! I feel like i visit with them and talk with them, whenever i NEED them (a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent, a place to chill). What about what they need? What about what God wants from us? From me? To sort out my frustrations, What I need is a game plan.


I'm thinking healthy interaction, right? And here are some ideas. To always remain as a group is a great idea. But what can we do as a group? I want to make sure there is opportunity for conversations. 1) Bible studies: It's always, ALWAYS a great idea to learn more about God, to grow together in our faith and to live out Daily Christ-like lives - lives that please God. 2) Coffee & Tea Sessions at Cantabria (Bemidji's Starbucks): That has always encouraged great get-to-know-you conversations. 3) Camping// Weekend trips: Short weekend campouts to learn cooperation and team work. 4) Volunteering: Maybe we should all sign up to volunteer to do something at an old folk's home, children's hospital, homeless program, soup kitchen, etc. This can encourage us to serve others, or at least constantly think about what we can do for someone else. 5) Picnics//Grill outs: Food and friends are always a great combo for convo. *chuckles* today's phrase that pays, that one. 6) ...


I can't think of a sixth idea now, right? But it'll be okay. I feel like i am pretty set for at least the next couple of months. I've never had to worry about the relationships of my friends before. But since this is what has been brought up to me, and although i am as clueless as fogged up glass after a hot shower, I will take on this challenge. What they do with the opportunities created will be up to them entirely. Hero, we want to live out lives you can be proud of. Help us to live worthy of your calling and glory. Keep us dreaming up your vision, so that we won't walk aimless, egocentrical or dead.

Teach us to live.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Final Photography Project

My Photo Essay!

Final Project for Photography 2009.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

To you.

There's a whole lot to me than what i tend to let surface. One cannot truly engage in conversations of desires and identity out of hues of blue. One waits for the right time. And that time did not come. Perhaps it never will.

There's not much you or I need to know about who i was, who i am or who i want to be - because i am not defined by all that -- not even by my name. not anymore.

My name does have some form of bearing to my life and legacy here on earth. But what is in a name? Countless times i've failed it's meaning. Countless times i've acted adversely out of spite, immaturity and folly. What is my name? Do I really want it to matter to you? You, who've walked with me through all shapes of my sorrow and grief. and you, who've shared my laughter in times of childishness. Or you, who've sat with me under the tree of imagination and dreamed of higher heights no human have yet tread.

My identity now lies in someone more wonderful than I. He gave so much to be with me. So i choose him. And he will always take precedence in my life.

So no, i'm not interested in any other person, any external relationship, any developing bond that may threaten to sever this budding tie and usher me into distraction, into the comatose.

I cannot yet engage myself in another. Not till i'm ready. Not yet, not now. For i have awakened from twilight's tight grasp and have now seen the sun at the end of that tunnel. I will not turn back. You can't make me.

True, i may meet someone on my way out of that tunnel. But it is not Now. And you are Now. Therefore, things cannot be.

There's just very little time. Too little, in fact. It's too early for me to be wandering about sorting issues of companionship.You'll find someone who is and will be ready for you.

But i am not. I come through those doors later. You finish before me.We are still running our races simultaneously. But Parallel and not Together. You will always be a cherished brother.

Fret not. Our hearts are made up of more than just cells and tissues, and it pumps and works with more than just blood or its platelets.

I can only hope you understand, dear old friend. I can only hope.

Phoebe Lee Mathius
p/s Phoebe : radiance

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Alien Autistic

This is my latest assignment guys!

I am not happy with the text graphics during the poetry slam, but i totally lost hours of work when the software crashed on me. I was running out of time, so i decided to just do a mess of sample fonts/styles.

My professor just told me to keep working on it so that i can submit it for Fall's fargo's film fest. But he needs to check on competition rules and formats before we move ahead with this extracurricular project!

P/s i won another small scholarship. The first was from a Roy Blackwood. and now, i won something from Sullivan. I hope to hear from Milowski soon. Thanks Hero, for helping me find favor with the people behind the considerations.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Light of Day - The Music Video

This is a Music video i made (filmed, edited) for a track/song i composed at a time when i had a lot of questions.

So yeah....
this is:
"Light of Day"
Music and Lyrics by Phoebe Lee Mathius

This turned into my assignment, and I presented it to class several days ago. Here it is... in it's full song-likeness and etcetera.

*chuckles* enjoy. and gimme feedback!

p/s it didn't really turn out the way i originally intended for it to look. but oh well, i finished it anyway, (a day before it was due) so i won't complain. haha.

Jon M. Chiaravalle
Sarah McKee
Samantha Sorenson
Katie Nelson
Tony Barber
Tim Roberts

Thanks for your time investments, ideas and flexibility. You were all great to work with!

and All gratitude is due to my hero. I love you.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Of Chris Tomlin, Israel Houghton and New Breed.

Their concert is coming up in March! 29th to be exact! It will be held in the Xcel Energy Center, in St. Paul, Minnesota - a four hour drive away from Bemidji. Not unlike the journey between Taiping and Kuala Lumpur.

And guess What? I'm going! *does a jig*
Wanna go too? Click here!

Deep gratitude to Edrian for informing me of the concert. I know he has been the biggest fan of Israel and New breed. And i will definitely take you in spirit, bro!

4 other good friends of mine are heading over there with me! and it is going to be SWEET!


Thanks, hero. For granting me the tiny desires of my heart. You are so real to me even in my brokenness. You're real to me in my joy. Thanks for being around. *shuffles feet bashfully* I love you.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I cried.

I'd just gotten off from a sob fest.
('twas only for a few seconds, but still.... i never knew i was capable of being such an emotional girl.)

I never knew i would have it in me to just burst into tears, gab-smack in the middle of a song - with no warning too.

well, there was SOME warning. it was this swelling swirl in my chest that grew and grew and ...I never could tell what it was. When it finally peaked, out came niagra falls!

(I laugh sheepishly at myself as i type this. and some of you may even be having a field day with this.)

but what you need to know is that there are several causes to this [phoe]nomenon, of course.

one must first look at the song that i was listening to.

The song had caused me to feel this burdened sense of nostalgia... i remembered listening to it during a certain tough period of waiting and direction in my life. And it's a wonder how far I've come. How God led me through, step by step, phase by phase...word for word.

As i listened, what i experienced for the most part, was the feeling of relief that that time has already past. And that there was nothing to fear. But on the other hand, I've also been feeling burdened for the future. What specifically, i do not know...yet. A spiritual battle, really. But my hero, i know, will be there to save the day! No matter how battered or wounded we are from the battle, I know i will see him riding towards the bloodied field with the strongest army you will ever live to see!

Yes, I see a storm cloud looming up ahead. And i cannot help but feel my heart sinking; remembering the last time i've had to go through this. But the sunlight is still reflecting its intensity on my sword, the battle is still raging. We WILL grow from this. Whatever it is. Whatever that is coming.

My hero, lover and friend has made me ready. I await with bated breath.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Light of Day

I guess, I wrote a new song. =)

"Light of Day"
(by Phoebe Lee Mathius)

She conjured up a world
Where she could hide
With arching trees stretched over lakes
Watched by purple skies

Poor innocent girl
How will your story unfurl
Poor innocent girl
How they shatter your world...

In the midst of fools
there's a trickle of reason
for every season
in the eyes of one
So beautiful
But we claim not to see
Nod our heads to agree
while a dream never sees the light of day

Poor innocent girl, we say.

I conjured up a world
One so ideal
Where there's no hatred
and there's nothing to conceal

But it's all in my head
It's all in my...(chorus)

Tag 2:
It's all in our heads, we say

After everything we've lived through
You'd think we would understand.
After every wrong suffered
You'd think we would have a plan...

But we choose not to see
We're content, we're carefree
While a dream never sees the light of day.
But we choose not to see
Nod our heads to agree
While our dreams never see the light of day.

It's all in our heads, we say.

No more dreams today

Where is the light of day?


I have just completed filming for this demo's music video. this is wonderful news for me as it started out pretty behind schedule. hopefully, after the editing is done, it'd turn out better than i can even hope for. Hope with me.

"If God be for us, who can be against us?"

Friday, February 13, 2009

Oh, Phanuel!

My little autistic brother, whom i love so ever, ever MUCH, has found a new craze!

Check it out! It's adorable!

Remember how he loves dinosaurs and animated cartoons? Well, this is perfect for him! Although my younger sister, Parmena, thinks it's annoying. I can see how it can be for us "grown-ups". Or rather, should we call ourselves "growING-ups"?

Can we ever fully achieve maturity? I say, no.

Love you, Phanuel. You'll be one of the greats someday, leaving behind an amazing legacy for the world to exemplify!

Got a Date For Val's?

I do.


Weekend Breaks, News and Prayer Requests!

I'm heading to an Apologetics Conference this weekend.

I'm excited! It's gonna be awesome. And a good break for me. Thanks, Kristen LEE Flathers for inviting me along! And Sarah McKee, it'll be good to catch up with you all that four hours down to the cities! =)

I have a HUGE video project on my hands and things aren't going well. Pray for me. For wisdom.

In other news, I got my social security card/number - which means i can get paid now! hurrah! In the nick of time too! I was seriously BROKE. (NO, don't inform my parents, they know. and NO, I'm doing fine. I have my small reserve. But it'll be great to start saving you know?) Thanks for all the support!

IF you need something to pray about when it comes to me, I'm applying for several partial scholarships. I need to find favor.

Also -- as i indicated in a previous post, I made the Dean's and the President's List. They served a free lunch yesterday, for people who make the list! And i received two certificates! So whoever this Dean person is, and how his list came to be.... thanks, ole boy!

All this -- thanks to my beloved. I love you.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

When Wednesday Met Thursday

...was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday. My timepiece indicated an incredibly foreign hour of the morning. Couldn't really understand my body's enthusiasm to meet the day. Neither could i comprehend why an ingenius and divine concept, such as sleep, could ever be this elusive. Pure in-

Sanity. what I have in moderate amounts these days. A shame, that. 'Tis sanity that keeps most of us afloat, even in the most deplorable of conditions. And this very same trait, I lack. Retarded, i seem to be, for the better part of the day; and all thanks to the tiny men at war in my already delirious grey matter. Why all the strife, you ask? I'll never really know for sure, but i have some -

...Conformity, for one. To feel safe, to belong and all that balderdash. We've been taught to follow things blindly and we've all wound up stuck in waist-deep sludge. I sullenly watch as my fingers drummed the table in an unsettled fashion. Still uncertain. Did the muck around me ooze out from my very own pores? Or was it just there all along, waiting innocently for some poor cretin to step in it, yell a string of inaudible curses - break into melancholy song ( i.e. Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen) and contemplate suicide simultaneously, whilst painfully submerging into the bottomless, tar-like puddle at a disgraceful rate of one centimeter per minute? Either way, I only have myself to blame for being here. Nevertheless, everything in me, the very essence that survives me, cries out to escape the System, to be my own person, to be contrary; different to the reeking normalcy of today's stale-tuna-sandwich culture. Tiny men at war in my head. Conformity Vs. Individuality. The bugle has sounded. The battle is -

...The bold word returned my blank gaze. I'd been fumbling around in the dark and a bump or two later, the lights had flickered on, swallowing the darkness that once engulfed my personal space. I remained in the deafening silence, eyes still getting accustomed to the shocking brightness that now illuminated every nook and cranny. My finger, still on the switch, lay motionless; frozen-like; as I stood stupefied at the single-syllabled word: ON. Right below was it's regal antonym, in similar print. OFF. ON.


...How feeble our faith. How feeble our lives. How great the Creator.



... was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday, and when Thursday met Friday, when life met death, when train met tunnel. Just spaces void of -

... was all I could see as the tunnel approached its end - when life met eternity, when men met God.

-Written in 2006
-By Phoebe Lee Mathius

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What? the Dean's List??
NO (absolute) way!
Thanks, hero.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Yay For Experiments!

The Moon is A Magnet by Jon Foreman

It's a little slow but only to go with the song! Great job, Tim and thanks for doing this with me. Let's hope my actual video assignment goes well. *fingers crossed for tonight*

Sunday, February 8, 2009

My Pensive Adagio.

A friend asked me if i was doing alright. Truth is, I'm not sure. I mean, I'm happy. But this is something past the trivial school life, assignments and such. It's an inward battle that i will soon need to have ironed out. So, I'll just borrow the answer i sent, and post it here - to serve as a reminder for me, really. More than anything else.

I wrote:

it's something i'm figuring out. it isn't or anything trivial like that, i would think. i remember the last time i felt this way. and it kinda marked an uncomfortable transition period of decisions and waiting. But something great came out of it. I'm here in Bemidji now! so maybe it's just God's way of saying, "okay, enough of this! You can handle more. Time for you to keep growing."

and it makes me shift in my seat a lil just thinking about it. I think change is important and good. (and helps me evade depression from the repetitive routines we tend to get ourselves into.) but at the same time, growing comes with complementary growing pains too.

oh well, let it come, i say. I'll just try to be more receptive and make myself accessible to what God wants to do. whatever that may be.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie

Another cool video to check out!

"Oren Lavie is a songwriter, director, writer of funny books for sad children. Born in Tel-Aviv, Israel. He has long curly hair, green eyes, cold feet. Known to daydream on many an occasion.
He has written and directed several plays in London’s Off-West End and NY off-Broadway.
His play ‘Lighting The Day’ was named by the London Time Out magazine one of the top 5 plays in London during its run. He won several scholarships and awards as a playwright and director, was a member of Manhattan Classic Company’s playwright coalition.

He likes to create dreamy visuals from realistic elements, he enjoys squeezing big worlds into small spaces.
As a songwriter he produced his debut album ‘The Opposite Side of The Sea’ which he released in 2008 on his own label, being that nobody else was going to release it.
He loves animation but can’t draw a straight line to save his life.
This video is his first venture into the Moving Pictures."

Excerpt taken from:

Are you not Mine?

These dreams I'm having
Are not mine
These doubts that control
Do not belong
This joy I’ve found
Is not for keeping
This love I've stumbled upon
Cannot be owned.

I cannot hold you
Even though I want to
I cannot hide you away
I am in deep greed of your attentions
That sometimes I think
if the rest of the world should fall away
that'd be okay.

Gah, the tribulations of
my human soul.
my Human, flawed...
self-absorbed soul.
Why do I keep you
I know why i want you
but why do i hold you
clenched in a fist
strangling what you can do
with me.


Saturday, January 24, 2009


We've been on an evangelism streak as of late. We studied dichotomies, and reinvented and reimagined the way we saw evangelism.

Yesterday, our friend Nick, found Jesus.

Backgrounding: I am with the worship team. Kristen is excited about Nick's decision, runs up to me and tells me about it. I get stoked too.

I go up to him and gave him a hug. I'm so happy for you, I say. Happy (spiritual) birthday.

I was, undoubtedly excited.

You know, he says to me, you helped me make that finally decision to follow Jesus.

And i just stand there. gaping.

He continues. Just standing during worship, watching the team, watching you worship, with all your hearts and just smiling and taking it all in, while playing your instruments..., - he said almost distractedly - made me want it too.

Tears well in my eyes.

Oh My God. Oh My God. Oh My God. Not to us. But to your name. be the glory.

Can you hear it? The angels rejoicing?

Monday, January 12, 2009

[GOOGLE] Your Name

Go to Google and type in your first name and the phrase all in quotes. Copy and paste the first sentence/phrase you get that makes sense. KARL EDIT: Or actually, you can choose the funniest one in the first 5 results, or if it's hopeless the first 10. Because this is supposed to be funny.

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: "PETITION" Phoebe needs to use her powers more!
Phoebe Note: I KNOW!!! Right? ;)

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: Phoebe looks seriously wacky with her giant cheeks and ’surprised’ look.
Phoebe Note: Yeah, i really should work on that.

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: Like other phoebes, the rusty-bellied Say's Phoebe is common around people, often nesting on buildings. A bird of open country, it is found from Alaska through Mexico.
Phoebe Note: I know it's out of context, but it's so cool that there are other phoebes! They're winged! *laughs* (The other one was boring. Says no to smoking or something like it. Although, naturally, i would say something boring like that. *Hmms aloud*)

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: Phoebe wants some turkey Video on AOL Video.
Phoebe Note: Rrrright. I could always use some turkey. I found this first on the list on the second results page. The first page mainly covered the romance novel "What Phoebe Wants" by Cindy Myers which i found to be amusing....somewhat.

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: In 1984, Phoebe does Gremlins.
Phoebe Note: *laughs hysterically* (obviously it's referring to the actress Phoebe who acted in Gremlins.) But before i lose credibility here, i personally like this other one, "Phoebe does not seek for glory." Nevertheless, for the benefit of your attention spans and for the sake of lousy humor - Gremlins stick.

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: Phoebe says she hates PBS because it reminds her of the miserable days when her mother watched Sesame Street on it before committing suicide.
Phoebe Note: Ruh-ruh-Randooommm! An episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. obviously.

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: Phoebe asks Joey to give her away at her wedding.
Phoebe Note: but the next one was crazy! "Ask Farmer Phoebe. Urban organic gardener - Playing in the dirt is my passion!"

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: Phoebe Likes bugs and Springflowers!
Phoebe Note: Cause she's such a happy person!

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: Phoebe eats starfruits and BLATs.
Phoebe Note: What's a BLAT? [Googles] "BLATS : Built-Up Low-Cost Advanced Titanium Structures" Aieee.

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A:Phoebe wears bells around her neck, she is a deep piled lovely plush Charlie Bear.
Phoebe Note: What on purple earth?!

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: Phoebe was arrested for shoplifting.
Phoebe Note: Hey, the first google search required me to use my powers more-- Don't judge.