Sunday, September 30, 2007

What A Friend I've Found

Written by Martin Smith ©1996 Curious? Music UK

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever


ever glad that my Lord never changes.
his love, his hopes, his amourous promises,
his dreams and ultimate plans for me
- has never changed; he is eternity

regardless of my frailty,
despite my immaturity.

ever comitted for the long haul
even though his plans, i tend to stall
even though i've built, around me, a wall
he breaks through, the moment i call.

regardless of my frailty,
despite my immaturity.

Never been afraid to call me his
he holds my hand, Oh what bliss!
ever beaming at my every progress
ever present in my times of distress

regardless of my frailty,
despite my immaturity.

friend forever."

- Written by Phoebe Lee Mathius
(A Simple Note of Love and Thanks to my Lover, Friend and Savior.)


"I'm still not used to your absence
everywhere around me
lips move yet mouth nothing but silence
i tune out visually
everything else pales at the remembrance of you
you're with me each time i exhale
and i, in turn, inhale remnants of you."
(-Phoebe Lee Mathius)

Round and round
like a broken record
Unsettling sounds
Like when sharpening swords

Unsettling thoughts
Leave me lost, never found
Unsettled heart
Like a ripple, drowned

Unsettled mind
Prostrates me to the ground
Round and round
my delirium abounds.

Exhausted, I am
beyond comprehension
Writing now
to ease the tension.

You see me, You hear me
i have Your attention
You always stay with me
my divine intervention.

i'm never alone. Stay with me, Lord.


was reading Jonah. amazing how it's so easy for me to judge him so quickly before, when i was younger. reading it again, i've realized how much of a human jonah was. he was a prophet and that never stopped him from being a guy. The whole running away to Tarshish thing was so typical. :) but then all of a sudden, his life became my life. i almost knew how he felt back then and why he didn't want the Ninevites to be saved. these were people who had ravished their land, stolen, broken their investments and livelihood. he felt betrayed, that justice was not going to be served! Then God tried to remind him that the Ninevites were still His creation, that they were still his beloved - just how Jonah and his people were.

and that's why jonah is one of the truest examples of why God's love is just beyond our comprehension!

note that his obedience never truly marked his understanding of why God was giving Nineveh a second chance. This is exactly what I went through/am going through. I never truly understood why i had to do things i were made to do, but i still did it anyway - in ignorance of the bigger picture. (i can see why it is frustrating for many who go through the same thing.)

God gave Jonah a near-death (big fish) experience and still he never got it! GAH! did he need a lightning bolt to fry his innards to make him see the way God sees or something? we will never know! nevertheless, this has just awakened me spiritually. it's truly scary. i don't wanna be walking around still zombified in my distorted beliefs and history - even after my "near-death" experience!

God saved the Ninevites from destruction in Jonah's story. if i keep my story parallel to Jonah's, then God must've saved somebody from destruction in my story! and i might only know who/what/where/why/how in years to come. (that, or i might never know at all!) Nonetheless, these mysteries of God compels me to believe that He's just all the more hands-on in my life.

I love you, Lord. Don't ever let me go.

Friday, September 21, 2007

A Piercing Truth

"Obstacles are put in your way
to see if what you want
is really worth fighting for."

I saw this on a little girl's status message today, and i was momentarily stunned at its piercing truth. I'm not sure where she gets these stellar phrases, but i was just torn apart at the sight of it.

how many times have i just failed to show that what i wanted or desired, was really worth the fight? Worth the effort, condemnation, pain and frustration? How many times have i just opted to pull out? To complain?

And in context to what i've been going through as of late, it just served as a form of confirmation. I'd been trying to justify the circumstances, reason out possibilities, play the blame game, suppress my brokenness and weakness....

I just have to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. This is not the time to falter. It's not the time to give up. I refuse to let myself believe that this is the way things usually work. I will press on and take the road less traveled.

In the words of the wise Dory, in Finding Nemo,

"just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
swimming swimming,
what do we do?
we swim... "

Looking forward to the fulfillment of our higher calling. This wasn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to merely survive. On the contrary! I want to.....

Thrive. Grow. Learn. Mature. Dream.
Believe. Trust. Love. Forgive. Laugh. Live.

I want to believe amidst doubt. Strip myself from hypocrisy. I want my faith to be fueled by innocence again. I want to be able to love with all my heart. I want to be able to see the way God does.

I want to remember that:

"Obstacles are put in my way
to see if what i want
is really worth fighting for."

Just keep swimming, phoebe. just keep swimming.

I Never Thought

I never thought I'd live to see the day....
.......Fried Petai and Minced Meat Sambal served as an official dish with rice. I didn't even know it was legal (in accordance to "Ye Ole Cook-Parchment")!

I never thought I'd live to see the day....

Theme: Champion (Phil 4:13)
Date: 10-13 December 2007
Taiping Golf Resort, Taiping
Cost: RM240 (RM20 refund for early birds at the camp: 20th November 2007)
Speaker: Mike Pivalachi

....... HUGE camp be held in Taiping! Maybe they're running out of venues to place it at, maybe they needed a little more tranquility, - heck, maybe they even like Taiping! All i know is that my youth group is LOVING the idea. *chuckles*

I never thought i'd live to see the day......

.........I'd actually graduate, let alone leave the country! I still can't believe i'm going to Bermidji State University (Minnesota, USA)) next year. It looms over me like a daunting thunder cloud; yet - holding much potential energy, holding much refreshing rain. Only God knows how much i need a good washing! *smiles* A year ago, I would've thunk this impossible.

But then again, a year ago, i never thought i wouldn't be able to cope with the conditions of love eternal. *laughs* Such impertinence! Such tomfoolery!

Such an awesome, awesome God.


So yeah. I never thought.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

I Like Pie! Take Two.

In my previous post, i mentioned that i finally attempted shepherd's pie for the very first time, ALL by myself. And..... i had royal fun doing it!

How'd it turn out? See for yourself!

Ain't she gorgeous? I'm ever so proud of it!

Thick mashed potato goodness, all golden and crisp on the top, creamy in the middle and a thick layer of mixed vegetables cooked with bits of meat, barbeque sauce and cream soup (didn't have time to boil my own broth)! Three people tasted it, excluding myself, and have deduced that that was one good piece of pie!

*chucks confetti over self and blows into noisemaker* Yay, me!

I'll be making a second round of shepherd's pie sometime soon, i'll save you a piece if you want one! *chuckles* Or... do you think you'd wanna make your very own pie? If you do, here's a proposition. I'll give you the recipe, on one condition: That you let me have a helping of it too!


yeah? you will? coo!

Go get it.... HERE!

*laughs* I look forward to some good eatin' wid yous guys!

Monday, September 3, 2007

In dire need of HELP.

to the two of you who actually read this junk,

It's been a a fortnight of literal darkness for me in terms of direction, lifestyle, settlement and belonging. What's really been keeping me afloat was and always will be, my hero. These past two years, I've just experienced as much as i can dare stretch myself to experience. Nevertheless, I fear if i told you everything, you'd either:

a) scuttle away quietly so as to not hurt my feelings. *laughs*
b) experience major brain hemorrhage and die an untimely death due to encephalitis.
c) phase out and ask for a lolly every ten seconds.

so in order to prevent embarassment or casualties, i've decided to just keep the details from either parties (that's right, even from myself). But let's not sidetrack, my muffins, from the good tidings i bear. I don't have the time to write everything, so i'm plucking this huge excerpt from an email i wrote:
"So this is the story. I went to Help last thursday, (two thursdays ago) and met this guy called william. (no doubt the same one who told me that a transferral of credit hours was not possible) but he doesn't remember me, i think.

anyway, he looked at my transcripts and CGPA and told me that i was a good student and that i shouldn't waste it by enrolling into a 4+0 program. he told me to transfer credit into their ADP program, and said i would only need to go to BSU (bermidji State U, Minnesota) for 1 and a 1/2 years after one year in HELP.

he also interviewed me about my mission and why i wanted to do mass comm and he was (in his words) "most impressed". he called and spoke to my dad to convince him, as the budget, william felt, was affordable. Lynn a representative for BSU, was there to tell me how to get a job on campus and how to save on fees.

so according to william, my dad said that the figure he gave was achievable and so now, i'm back to the twinning program idea. Can you believe it? i'll be going to america next august. *blank stare*

help has been good. attended my first chemistry lab and the lecturer, andrew tennant is awesome...nasty but awesome. aside chemistry, i'm taking physics, and media writing this semester. looking forward to studying again, although still a bit wary. worried that i might end up stuck again. initially, i was a bit unsettled about it all, but i wanna leave this to God this time around.

the excitement for me is .....still growing. i must say i'm very relieved i get to transfer credits instead of starting from scratch all over again. it's really nice to know i'll be able to graduate sooner than i thought.

so yeah.

i'm renting a room at Joash' apartment here in jalan ipoh. and will be attending joash's church for the one year (or less) that i'll be in KL. went for jazz fest last night
(two saturdays ago) with tabitha but only for an hour. enjoyed sharizan and the asiana percussion performance very much. tabitha is awesome, and is turning out to be a very good friend to me....."

by the way, this paragraph is a tribute to tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha. (so there. that sentence called for her name to be mentioned ten times!) *laughs* Tabs has been a super awesome friend to me and we've only just met for a few weeks! She's made countless efforts to get me off my depressed butt, by driving me around in her little car - recommending stuff and cracking the most hilarious of jokes!

"I'm funnier today because of my talk with tabitha yesterday." *laughs hysterically*

"...i can finally say with confidence that i'm really doing so much better. I'll just be pursuing God all the way now. don't intend to change this for the longest of times. i intend to do really well in my studies and maybe even form a temporary one year band project before i leave for the states. it could be fun.

i think that's all prolly info overload to you. so i'll stop for now."

Haha, bear with, people!

With all my love,
Phoebe Lee Matthews

p/s - i made shepherd's pie!!!