So I'm back again.
Once again, I have no good excuse to offer you, no mind-boggling tale of which to enchant young minds into believing in a world of the unknown - a good yarn spun to document why I haven't written in awhile. No.
In the most diluted sense, I have been busy. And to you, my dear friend Joash, I offer my heartfelt apologies.
And without further monkeying around:
I've been learning to value life differently since I've been here. I am with close friends who've either experienced near death, seen death, dreamed death, watched death take away someone they love -- but death all the same. It's a hard thing to grasp, death. But it's even more fantastic a thought to know that death is life to us. The very foundation of faith. The stitches that hold the seams.
To be rid of the normal expectations; No, this is not a paper about death. These are just disgruntled thoughts, that I will gradually (hopefully!) piece together at the end - forming the distorted image of what I've been thinking about recently.
Death has always seemed more melancholy than what it is -- mainly because of the pain of separation. We experience an ounce (maybe less) of it when we say goodbye to someone we dearly love[d]. Whether of a relationship, family, or close friend. The very act of leaving -- the possibility of not seeing the other for a long time, (or perhaps even ever) cuts a little (if not a lot). Leaves us broken. Hopeless.
In the world we live in, it is commonly seen in age, mistakes, accidents, war, disease, murder and the like. The Circle of Life. But i wonder what it looks like from God's point of view. A teleportation device? II Corinthians 5:8 ("To be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord.") I wonder if our world could not be likened to a virtual world: Like a scene out of the manga, "Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles". (Get over yourself, look it up.) Where you fall out of the world when you're dead - and things finally make sense. C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle, really.
But then we wonder, why the hassle of creating virtual reality, right? Why can't we just be? If there is a God, why is he putting us through what seems to be a test site? Rumor has it (valid source), we did this to ourselves. Death itself is caused by a darkness that we seem to play a lot in. Sin. (Romans 6:23) (oh, don't roll your eyes. death never was for the "logical"; neither is it for the faint-hearted.)
If this is temporary, why do we try so hard?
Hebrews 9:27 says, There is judgement after death. So, there is a God who is just. There is payment for injustice. There is payment for wrongdoing. This is why we are in consistent despair, emptiness and loneliness. Despair. We understand what despair is, because we have experienced it's antithesis. (I.e. I understand what darkness is, because I have seen light.) Therefore, if there is despair -
There is hope.
There is more to life than death - and I have nothing to fear in death. In fact, it's been conquered. It's a battle I no longer have to fight against/for. My more current quest, is to strive for purity. Never fully achievable -- but to be sought after with Christ.
But again, this query remains: why do I have to try so hard? For me, it is a simple answer, but a difficult task to accomplish.
I am not my own. The salary that is deposited into my account, the time I squander, the words I speak. It's all a deposit.
My life belongs to someone else, subject to the bidding of one greater than I. Kind of like chess...somewhat. Slavery? No. I still have freedom to go my way and ruin this game, if I haven't already. But I am doing it for the sake of finishing this final battle we call life. Even though it's already won. For the glory of the Chess Master.
Think final episode of "Band of Brothers". The company still experienced death and hardships, though the war was already over. While waiting to be reassigned or return home - many died in the most ridiculous of ways.
I used to think I was great at damage control. But I am nothing compared to THE ultimate damage control extraordinaire. The author and finisher of our faiths. So I'm sticking to him who knows what this mess of thoughts mean; I'm sticking to him who knows my end.
So even if my life is truly shorter than what most intend, I will still say - Since all of this is for the glory of our Chess Master,
It is well, with my soul.
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
So, question.... (or Blonde Moments)
So...
I came to America, right? And landed myself some good friends. Two of them eventually hooked up. All of us still hangout, thanks to the fact that we all know each other. NO changes there. But i have two other friends who are still single, beside me. I know both of them are looking, but for the right one. I see that. But sometimes, i feel so selfish. I get so afraid that things will start changing among us as a group. I didn't realize that i was being very selfish by hanging out with them too much. Rob Mahto was giving a bible study about LOVE yesterday and Jesus is the ultimate example of a life that overflows with love. And here am i, a little afraid about some changes that are BOUND to happen eventually anyway. I can't stop life from happening. HOWEVER, I can stop my life from being self-seeking.
So...
Change Happens, right? Let it be! Change is growth. and Growth is good. Good friends are for always, and have no conditions, no excuses. We say this is a cliche, something we hear everyday. But are we truly listening? It will be a growing experience for all of us. I think I need to start opening up the circle, and invite MORE good Christian men and women into it. and Maybe,just maybe my close friends could find their soul mates through positive, and healthy interaction. One of my close friends told me that I am an initiator. I start things up, and they help me execute them. And they were talking about me setting up events for them to get to know more people. I struggled with this because i'm not exactly liking the idea of having to host 20 people all at once, all the time! I like the quiet 5. But now that i know they actually depend on me to organize things like these...what exactly am i doing with that? On the one hand, I felt a little sulky. Why on earth do I have to initiate this? on the other hand, Why am i NOT initiating activities and meetings that matter?! I feel like i visit with them and talk with them, whenever i NEED them (a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent, a place to chill). What about what they need? What about what God wants from us? From me? To sort out my frustrations, What I need is a game plan.
So...
I'm thinking healthy interaction, right? And here are some ideas. To always remain as a group is a great idea. But what can we do as a group? I want to make sure there is opportunity for conversations. 1) Bible studies: It's always, ALWAYS a great idea to learn more about God, to grow together in our faith and to live out Daily Christ-like lives - lives that please God. 2) Coffee & Tea Sessions at Cantabria (Bemidji's Starbucks): That has always encouraged great get-to-know-you conversations. 3) Camping// Weekend trips: Short weekend campouts to learn cooperation and team work. 4) Volunteering: Maybe we should all sign up to volunteer to do something at an old folk's home, children's hospital, homeless program, soup kitchen, etc. This can encourage us to serve others, or at least constantly think about what we can do for someone else. 5) Picnics//Grill outs: Food and friends are always a great combo for convo. *chuckles* today's phrase that pays, that one. 6) ...
So...
I can't think of a sixth idea now, right? But it'll be okay. I feel like i am pretty set for at least the next couple of months. I've never had to worry about the relationships of my friends before. But since this is what has been brought up to me, and although i am as clueless as fogged up glass after a hot shower, I will take on this challenge. What they do with the opportunities created will be up to them entirely. Hero, we want to live out lives you can be proud of. Help us to live worthy of your calling and glory. Keep us dreaming up your vision, so that we won't walk aimless, egocentrical or dead.
Teach us to live.
I came to America, right? And landed myself some good friends. Two of them eventually hooked up. All of us still hangout, thanks to the fact that we all know each other. NO changes there. But i have two other friends who are still single, beside me. I know both of them are looking, but for the right one. I see that. But sometimes, i feel so selfish. I get so afraid that things will start changing among us as a group. I didn't realize that i was being very selfish by hanging out with them too much. Rob Mahto was giving a bible study about LOVE yesterday and Jesus is the ultimate example of a life that overflows with love. And here am i, a little afraid about some changes that are BOUND to happen eventually anyway. I can't stop life from happening. HOWEVER, I can stop my life from being self-seeking.
So...
Change Happens, right? Let it be! Change is growth. and Growth is good. Good friends are for always, and have no conditions, no excuses. We say this is a cliche, something we hear everyday. But are we truly listening? It will be a growing experience for all of us. I think I need to start opening up the circle, and invite MORE good Christian men and women into it. and Maybe,just maybe my close friends could find their soul mates through positive, and healthy interaction. One of my close friends told me that I am an initiator. I start things up, and they help me execute them. And they were talking about me setting up events for them to get to know more people. I struggled with this because i'm not exactly liking the idea of having to host 20 people all at once, all the time! I like the quiet 5. But now that i know they actually depend on me to organize things like these...what exactly am i doing with that? On the one hand, I felt a little sulky. Why on earth do I have to initiate this? on the other hand, Why am i NOT initiating activities and meetings that matter?! I feel like i visit with them and talk with them, whenever i NEED them (a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent, a place to chill). What about what they need? What about what God wants from us? From me? To sort out my frustrations, What I need is a game plan.
So...
I'm thinking healthy interaction, right? And here are some ideas. To always remain as a group is a great idea. But what can we do as a group? I want to make sure there is opportunity for conversations. 1) Bible studies: It's always, ALWAYS a great idea to learn more about God, to grow together in our faith and to live out Daily Christ-like lives - lives that please God. 2) Coffee & Tea Sessions at Cantabria (Bemidji's Starbucks): That has always encouraged great get-to-know-you conversations. 3) Camping// Weekend trips: Short weekend campouts to learn cooperation and team work. 4) Volunteering: Maybe we should all sign up to volunteer to do something at an old folk's home, children's hospital, homeless program, soup kitchen, etc. This can encourage us to serve others, or at least constantly think about what we can do for someone else. 5) Picnics//Grill outs: Food and friends are always a great combo for convo. *chuckles* today's phrase that pays, that one. 6) ...
So...
I can't think of a sixth idea now, right? But it'll be okay. I feel like i am pretty set for at least the next couple of months. I've never had to worry about the relationships of my friends before. But since this is what has been brought up to me, and although i am as clueless as fogged up glass after a hot shower, I will take on this challenge. What they do with the opportunities created will be up to them entirely. Hero, we want to live out lives you can be proud of. Help us to live worthy of your calling and glory. Keep us dreaming up your vision, so that we won't walk aimless, egocentrical or dead.
Teach us to live.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
When Wednesday Met Thursday
Darkness.
...was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday. My timepiece indicated an incredibly foreign hour of the morning. Couldn't really understand my body's enthusiasm to meet the day. Neither could i comprehend why an ingenius and divine concept, such as sleep, could ever be this elusive. Pure in-
Sanity.
...is what I have in moderate amounts these days. A shame, that. 'Tis sanity that keeps most of us afloat, even in the most deplorable of conditions. And this very same trait, I lack. Retarded, i seem to be, for the better part of the day; and all thanks to the tiny men at war in my already delirious grey matter. Why all the strife, you ask? I'll never really know for sure, but i have some -
Ideas.
...Conformity, for one. To feel safe, to belong and all that balderdash. We've been taught to follow things blindly and we've all wound up stuck in waist-deep sludge. I sullenly watch as my fingers drummed the table in an unsettled fashion. Still uncertain. Did the muck around me ooze out from my very own pores? Or was it just there all along, waiting innocently for some poor cretin to step in it, yell a string of inaudible curses - break into melancholy song ( i.e. Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen) and contemplate suicide simultaneously, whilst painfully submerging into the bottomless, tar-like puddle at a disgraceful rate of one centimeter per minute? Either way, I only have myself to blame for being here. Nevertheless, everything in me, the very essence that survives me, cries out to escape the System, to be my own person, to be contrary; different to the reeking normalcy of today's stale-tuna-sandwich culture. Tiny men at war in my head. Conformity Vs. Individuality. The bugle has sounded. The battle is -
ON.
...The bold word returned my blank gaze. I'd been fumbling around in the dark and a bump or two later, the lights had flickered on, swallowing the darkness that once engulfed my personal space. I remained in the deafening silence, eyes still getting accustomed to the shocking brightness that now illuminated every nook and cranny. My finger, still on the switch, lay motionless; frozen-like; as I stood stupefied at the single-syllabled word: ON. Right below was it's regal antonym, in similar print. OFF. ON.
OFF.
ON.
...How feeble our faith. How feeble our lives. How great the Creator.
OFF.
ON.
OFF.
Darkness.
... was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday, and when Thursday met Friday, when life met death, when train met tunnel. Just spaces void of -
Light.
... was all I could see as the tunnel approached its end - when life met eternity, when men met God.
-Written in 2006
-By Phoebe Lee Mathius
...was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday. My timepiece indicated an incredibly foreign hour of the morning. Couldn't really understand my body's enthusiasm to meet the day. Neither could i comprehend why an ingenius and divine concept, such as sleep, could ever be this elusive. Pure in-
Sanity.
...is what I have in moderate amounts these days. A shame, that. 'Tis sanity that keeps most of us afloat, even in the most deplorable of conditions. And this very same trait, I lack. Retarded, i seem to be, for the better part of the day; and all thanks to the tiny men at war in my already delirious grey matter. Why all the strife, you ask? I'll never really know for sure, but i have some -
Ideas.
...Conformity, for one. To feel safe, to belong and all that balderdash. We've been taught to follow things blindly and we've all wound up stuck in waist-deep sludge. I sullenly watch as my fingers drummed the table in an unsettled fashion. Still uncertain. Did the muck around me ooze out from my very own pores? Or was it just there all along, waiting innocently for some poor cretin to step in it, yell a string of inaudible curses - break into melancholy song ( i.e. Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen) and contemplate suicide simultaneously, whilst painfully submerging into the bottomless, tar-like puddle at a disgraceful rate of one centimeter per minute? Either way, I only have myself to blame for being here. Nevertheless, everything in me, the very essence that survives me, cries out to escape the System, to be my own person, to be contrary; different to the reeking normalcy of today's stale-tuna-sandwich culture. Tiny men at war in my head. Conformity Vs. Individuality. The bugle has sounded. The battle is -
ON.
...The bold word returned my blank gaze. I'd been fumbling around in the dark and a bump or two later, the lights had flickered on, swallowing the darkness that once engulfed my personal space. I remained in the deafening silence, eyes still getting accustomed to the shocking brightness that now illuminated every nook and cranny. My finger, still on the switch, lay motionless; frozen-like; as I stood stupefied at the single-syllabled word: ON. Right below was it's regal antonym, in similar print. OFF. ON.
OFF.
ON.
...How feeble our faith. How feeble our lives. How great the Creator.
OFF.
ON.
OFF.
Darkness.
... was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday, and when Thursday met Friday, when life met death, when train met tunnel. Just spaces void of -
Light.
... was all I could see as the tunnel approached its end - when life met eternity, when men met God.
-Written in 2006
-By Phoebe Lee Mathius
Monday, July 28, 2008
Gig Off!
Sorry, guys!
Organizers have just informed me that the Menara See Hoy Chan gig has just been postponed to a possible date in October!
I've lost many a gig to evil October, actually: Missed a half hour show at No Black Tie, and now this.
Meanwhile, the excitement of my takeoff continues to brew!
You'll hear from me when things look a little less dull. *laughs*
Bummer.
Organizers have just informed me that the Menara See Hoy Chan gig has just been postponed to a possible date in October!
I've lost many a gig to evil October, actually: Missed a half hour show at No Black Tie, and now this.
Meanwhile, the excitement of my takeoff continues to brew!
You'll hear from me when things look a little less dull. *laughs*
Bummer.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Passion Is Coming to Town!
Guys, PASSION is happening gabsmack in KL! If you haven't already registered for passes online, DO IT NOW! It's going FAST!
It's going to be an amazing event schooled for the collegiate generation - facilitated by the likes of Louie Giglio (!!!), David Crowder (!!!!), Charlie Hall, Chris Tomlin, etc. - welcoming us to Jesus; in the most amazing of perspectives - periscopes that finally gives us some semblance of coherence so as to resolve the confusion that is us. I guarantee God will blow us all away! And I'm excited!
ARE YOU GOING?
I am. It's been an event I've been waiting for since I was a wee eleven year old lass. Just about the time i discovered my other love...
SWITCHFOOT.
Feeling a little deluged in nostalgia at the moment. Musn't let myself go too deep.
*chuckles* I just might kill us all.
Monday, March 31, 2008
What have I accomplished?
It's crazy how time passes. It's the end of March, as it is. Didn't we just celebrate the new year?
I turned 22, two thursdays ago. (I received some pretty wacky gifts, by the way and will blog about them sometime soon.) But where did all my years go? What, on purple earth, have i been doing? I don't so much as HAVE bragging rights to having completed...ANYTHING!
I'm supposed to be leaving for America this Fall. Fall seemed so far away a couple of months back. But now... it's a measely 5 months away. 5 months and I'm leaving. How did it become so soon?
It scares me how i'm never really in control of my life. Especially the timeline. I mean, sure, i can plan. Hardly anything goes my way though. I don't wanna just be the spectator. I wanna be etching milestones and planting them at every mile. I wanna be leaving a legacy....proper!
If i die today, would i ever be able to live with myself-in-the-eternal-realm knowing that all I've done was watch time pass me by?
I feel like I'm running out of time - and at most times, i feel like i am THIS close to hitting the "panic" button. and just...
...screaming.
...screaming.
and
...SCREAMING.
Nevertheless, no matter how inadequate i am at running my life, it is a blessed assurance to know that I have a Hero who's watching my back. Never let me go.
Currently, listening to: "Jesus, take the wheel." - Kerry Underwood
I turned 22, two thursdays ago. (I received some pretty wacky gifts, by the way and will blog about them sometime soon.) But where did all my years go? What, on purple earth, have i been doing? I don't so much as HAVE bragging rights to having completed...ANYTHING!
I'm supposed to be leaving for America this Fall. Fall seemed so far away a couple of months back. But now... it's a measely 5 months away. 5 months and I'm leaving. How did it become so soon?
It scares me how i'm never really in control of my life. Especially the timeline. I mean, sure, i can plan. Hardly anything goes my way though. I don't wanna just be the spectator. I wanna be etching milestones and planting them at every mile. I wanna be leaving a legacy....proper!
If i die today, would i ever be able to live with myself-in-the-eternal-realm knowing that all I've done was watch time pass me by?
I feel like I'm running out of time - and at most times, i feel like i am THIS close to hitting the "panic" button. and just...
...screaming.
...screaming.
and
...SCREAMING.
Nevertheless, no matter how inadequate i am at running my life, it is a blessed assurance to know that I have a Hero who's watching my back. Never let me go.
Currently, listening to: "Jesus, take the wheel." - Kerry Underwood
Thursday, March 27, 2008
True Malaysian
There is a rat infestation around my apartment area - leaving me most grateful that i live on the fourth floor. (Before, it's just been me grumbling all the way up those bleeding steps.) HOWEVER, this isn't the story.
We have about three regular domesticated felines royally parking their soft, fuzzy behinds outside our doors and on the steps; patrolling the pavements of my block with dainty, annoying paws. You'd think... (yes, YOU!) You'd at least THINK they'd serve as a comfort somewhat; well, simply leaning full-body-weight onto the very logic that cats eat rats. (Garfield is a slob. Not counted.)
But for the benefit of my readers who got sidetracked by that Garfield comment, let's just say that again.
CATS eat RATS.
LIES! All of it!
For I, Phoebe Lee Mathius, have with mine own eyes, beheld the very treachery of the feline-moronic-beings. They betray us! They betray us!
Here! My account of the atrocious crime:
We had just arrived at the foot of our building, my sister and i, and were walking through the Rat Crossing alley. (We've named it that now as it is not uncommon for us to see up to 3 FAT rabid, crusty-furred rodents running by; one of them randomly looking up at us with a quick "hello-how-do-you-do" nod, before heading off their merry way, disappearing into the deep, deep darkness - leaving very little trace of their pilgrimage. Some claim to have seen the tiny, glowing halos hovering over their heads.)
*Skin crawls*
Seeing as we almost always bump into a rat or two at the Crossing, we usually stop to wait for the demonic creatures to pass (not unlike waiting to cross the road). But today, hoho, today! When we came upon the Crossing, there were two cats by us (it was a very busy freeway that night, you see)! We looked at each other, my sister and i, and declared (telepathically, of course), "Today, we will triumph over all rodent-kind! Death to the Rabid Rodents!...
....DEATH!"
And we watched and watched in earnest, as the cats approached the Crossing. To our already miserable and unfortunate existence, (or in other words - utter, utter ... bewilderment) (some may even refer to this as an "out-of-body experience"), they STOPPED! They stopped to wait. Just like we did! As if there was a bleeding traffic light hanging somewheres, and it had just turned bleeding RED! Gah!
As the three RATS (perhaps the very same ones) ran by, wagging their insulting tails behind them, I squatted by a brown-gold like feline and with pleading eyes, begged: "Do as you have been destined! Go! I charge thee! Let there be a massacre! Let today be written on the history books of Rodentdom forever! Let there be....
....BLOOD!"
All to no avail.
I hung my head in shame, for all felines, that night. And as we walked through the Crossing, I turned to my sister and mumbled in my bereavement, "Apparently, in this new era, cats and rats live in peace and harmony..."
My little sister pats my back in act of consolation and said to me that night what i believe to be true words of wisdom. Wisdom beyond her years.
"They be true blue Malaysians."
Ya heard?
We have about three regular domesticated felines royally parking their soft, fuzzy behinds outside our doors and on the steps; patrolling the pavements of my block with dainty, annoying paws. You'd think... (yes, YOU!) You'd at least THINK they'd serve as a comfort somewhat; well, simply leaning full-body-weight onto the very logic that cats eat rats. (Garfield is a slob. Not counted.)
But for the benefit of my readers who got sidetracked by that Garfield comment, let's just say that again.
CATS eat RATS.
LIES! All of it!
For I, Phoebe Lee Mathius, have with mine own eyes, beheld the very treachery of the feline-moronic-beings. They betray us! They betray us!
Here! My account of the atrocious crime:
We had just arrived at the foot of our building, my sister and i, and were walking through the Rat Crossing alley. (We've named it that now as it is not uncommon for us to see up to 3 FAT rabid, crusty-furred rodents running by; one of them randomly looking up at us with a quick "hello-how-do-you-do" nod, before heading off their merry way, disappearing into the deep, deep darkness - leaving very little trace of their pilgrimage. Some claim to have seen the tiny, glowing halos hovering over their heads.)
*Skin crawls*
Seeing as we almost always bump into a rat or two at the Crossing, we usually stop to wait for the demonic creatures to pass (not unlike waiting to cross the road). But today, hoho, today! When we came upon the Crossing, there were two cats by us (it was a very busy freeway that night, you see)! We looked at each other, my sister and i, and declared (telepathically, of course), "Today, we will triumph over all rodent-kind! Death to the Rabid Rodents!...
....DEATH!"
And we watched and watched in earnest, as the cats approached the Crossing. To our already miserable and unfortunate existence, (or in other words - utter, utter ... bewilderment) (some may even refer to this as an "out-of-body experience"), they STOPPED! They stopped to wait. Just like we did! As if there was a bleeding traffic light hanging somewheres, and it had just turned bleeding RED! Gah!
As the three RATS (perhaps the very same ones) ran by, wagging their insulting tails behind them, I squatted by a brown-gold like feline and with pleading eyes, begged: "Do as you have been destined! Go! I charge thee! Let there be a massacre! Let today be written on the history books of Rodentdom forever! Let there be....
....BLOOD!"
All to no avail.
I hung my head in shame, for all felines, that night. And as we walked through the Crossing, I turned to my sister and mumbled in my bereavement, "Apparently, in this new era, cats and rats live in peace and harmony..."
My little sister pats my back in act of consolation and said to me that night what i believe to be true words of wisdom. Wisdom beyond her years.
"They be true blue Malaysians."
Ya heard?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Random Conversation
I went to the next building to buy myself some thick, gooey mango juice.PersonSellingJuice: What can I get you?
HappyPhoebe: Ice blended Mango Juice!
PersonSellingJuice: With Ice?
BlurPhoebe: ....
And mind you, THIS he did on two separate occassions, weeks apart. I thought it was blurness the first time, or him just making sure of the order; but now...
Reality Check
Hey, broken pride
Did reality and nightmare finally coincide?
did you ever imagine that the day we died,
I'd never, never be his bride?
O dream, short-lived!
Each breath, you sting!
Why were we convinced? I believed!
How did we end up a blasphemous fling?
Butter fingers, butter fingers
how quickly our hearts intertwined, released
Its desperate final grasps of hope
nothing lingers, nothing lingers
Broken pride, I'm dead! Are you pleased?
Are you pleased NOW? Or am I?
Now, in thick darkness,
I grope...
I hope...
you DOPE!
MEND! I charge you! Mend!
You broken thing of the past!
My hatred, my friend.
You shattered thing in my rib-cage
Barely beating; barely.....barely AGED!
Mend! I charge YOU!!!!
You're bigger than this, I tell you.
You're stronger than this!
Love as you perceived it was pure bliss
But where are we now? What is this?
WHAT IS THIS?
Foolish, foolish
broken pride.
Foolish, foolish, foolish.
Did reality and nightmare finally coincide?
did you ever imagine that the day we died,
I'd never, never be his bride?
O dream, short-lived!
Each breath, you sting!
Why were we convinced? I believed!
How did we end up a blasphemous fling?
Butter fingers, butter fingers
how quickly our hearts intertwined, released
Its desperate final grasps of hope
nothing lingers, nothing lingers
Broken pride, I'm dead! Are you pleased?
Are you pleased NOW? Or am I?
Now, in thick darkness,
I grope...
I hope...
you DOPE!
MEND! I charge you! Mend!
You broken thing of the past!
My hatred, my friend.
You shattered thing in my rib-cage
Barely beating; barely.....barely AGED!
Mend! I charge YOU!!!!
You're bigger than this, I tell you.
You're stronger than this!
Love as you perceived it was pure bliss
But where are we now? What is this?
WHAT IS THIS?
Foolish, foolish
broken pride.
Foolish, foolish, foolish.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Yet I Love.
It’s been a good few months since I entered this after-life. It was probably for the best, leaving that world for the next. I’ll probably be saying the same thing when I leave for my subsequent world next year, I expect. No argument there. But there’s so much missing still.
Human beings are so frail.
I am. You are.
As fickle as touch-me-nots at the side of the road. As permanent as the Christmas décor put up each year. We change and expect the world to change with us. I change and expect you to understand. You change and expect me to take that transit flight with you.
Change and Expectations. Is this what life is all about?
If it was, then would it be fair for anyone to say, that they’re tired of change? This perspective may be a little out of proportion. But this is one truth. I’m tired of waking up from my dreams. I’m tired of finding out that the happiness I’d felt had only meant to be an interim intermission between the then and now. I’m tired of the accumulating bags of hindsight and tears slung over my shoulder; I’m tired of waving off my deepest regrets and saying, “It was probably for the best.” I’m tired of trading in my innocence for the pointless wisdom of the world. (Bah, wisdom? Balderdash!)
Surely; Surely, there must be something more true. More divine. (Like… God.) More permanent. (Like joy.) More ...right. (Like integrity.) Why must I settle for second best? Why must I chase short-termed happiness? Why must my heart die a thousand deaths before I discover this? Why must I reach a point of desperation before I finally understand why?
I suppose there’s my solution right there. In order to touch him, I must be compelled into a position of sacrifice, of giving. I asked for this. I remember.
“Teach me to love the way you do.” I asked him that.
Clearly, I didn’t know what I was asking for.
He was betrayed, yet he loved. He was turned against, yet he loved. He was gossiped about, yet he loved. He was harmed, yet he loved. He was broken, yet he loved.
Can I ever truly get this?
I was betrayed, yet I ___________.
I was gossiped about, yet I ____________.
I was deceived, yet I _____________.
I was harmed, yet I _____________.
I was broken, yet I _____________.
Maybe discovering LOVE is what life’s all about. If it is, then it’s time I got to the point where:
I was ______________, yet I love.
Yet I LOVE.
Human beings are so frail.
I am. You are.
As fickle as touch-me-nots at the side of the road. As permanent as the Christmas décor put up each year. We change and expect the world to change with us. I change and expect you to understand. You change and expect me to take that transit flight with you.
Change and Expectations. Is this what life is all about?
If it was, then would it be fair for anyone to say, that they’re tired of change? This perspective may be a little out of proportion. But this is one truth. I’m tired of waking up from my dreams. I’m tired of finding out that the happiness I’d felt had only meant to be an interim intermission between the then and now. I’m tired of the accumulating bags of hindsight and tears slung over my shoulder; I’m tired of waving off my deepest regrets and saying, “It was probably for the best.” I’m tired of trading in my innocence for the pointless wisdom of the world. (Bah, wisdom? Balderdash!)
Surely; Surely, there must be something more true. More divine. (Like… God.) More permanent. (Like joy.) More ...right. (Like integrity.) Why must I settle for second best? Why must I chase short-termed happiness? Why must my heart die a thousand deaths before I discover this? Why must I reach a point of desperation before I finally understand why?
I suppose there’s my solution right there. In order to touch him, I must be compelled into a position of sacrifice, of giving. I asked for this. I remember.
“Teach me to love the way you do.” I asked him that.
Clearly, I didn’t know what I was asking for.
He was betrayed, yet he loved. He was turned against, yet he loved. He was gossiped about, yet he loved. He was harmed, yet he loved. He was broken, yet he loved.
Can I ever truly get this?
I was betrayed, yet I ___________.
I was gossiped about, yet I ____________.
I was deceived, yet I _____________.
I was harmed, yet I _____________.
I was broken, yet I _____________.
Maybe discovering LOVE is what life’s all about. If it is, then it’s time I got to the point where:
I was ______________, yet I love.
Yet I LOVE.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Over You - Chris Daughtry
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming.
Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought
'Cause the day I thought
I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Remnants
"I'm still not used to your absence
everywhere around me
lips move yet mouth nothing but silence
i tune out visually
everything else pales at the remembrance of you
you're with me each time i exhale
and i, in turn, inhale remnants of you." (-Phoebe Lee Mathius)
Round and round
like a broken record
Unsettling sounds
Like when sharpening swords
Unsettling thoughts
Leave me lost, never found
Unsettled heart
Like a ripple, drowned
Unsettled mind
Prostrates me to the ground
Round and round
my delirium abounds.
Exhausted, I am
beyond comprehension
Writing now
to ease the tension.
Yet...
You see me, You hear me
i have Your attention
You always stay with me
my divine intervention.
i'm never alone. Stay with me, Lord.
Jonahs.
was reading Jonah. amazing how it's so easy for me to judge him so quickly before, when i was younger. reading it again, i've realized how much of a human jonah was. he was a prophet and that never stopped him from being a guy. The whole running away to Tarshish thing was so typical. :) but then all of a sudden, his life became my life. i almost knew how he felt back then and why he didn't want the Ninevites to be saved. these were people who had ravished their land, stolen, broken their investments and livelihood. he felt betrayed, that justice was not going to be served! Then God tried to remind him that the Ninevites were still His creation, that they were still his beloved - just how Jonah and his people were.
and that's why jonah is one of the truest examples of why God's love is just beyond our comprehension!
note that his obedience never truly marked his understanding of why God was giving Nineveh a second chance. This is exactly what I went through/am going through. I never truly understood why i had to do things i were made to do, but i still did it anyway - in ignorance of the bigger picture. (i can see why it is frustrating for many who go through the same thing.)
God gave Jonah a near-death (big fish) experience and still he never got it! GAH! did he need a lightning bolt to fry his innards to make him see the way God sees or something? we will never know! nevertheless, this has just awakened me spiritually. it's truly scary. i don't wanna be walking around still zombified in my distorted beliefs and history - even after my "near-death" experience!
God saved the Ninevites from destruction in Jonah's story. if i keep my story parallel to Jonah's, then God must've saved somebody from destruction in my story! and i might only know who/what/where/why/how in years to come. (that, or i might never know at all!) Nonetheless, these mysteries of God compels me to believe that He's just all the more hands-on in my life.
I love you, Lord. Don't ever let me go.
and that's why jonah is one of the truest examples of why God's love is just beyond our comprehension!
note that his obedience never truly marked his understanding of why God was giving Nineveh a second chance. This is exactly what I went through/am going through. I never truly understood why i had to do things i were made to do, but i still did it anyway - in ignorance of the bigger picture. (i can see why it is frustrating for many who go through the same thing.)
God gave Jonah a near-death (big fish) experience and still he never got it! GAH! did he need a lightning bolt to fry his innards to make him see the way God sees or something? we will never know! nevertheless, this has just awakened me spiritually. it's truly scary. i don't wanna be walking around still zombified in my distorted beliefs and history - even after my "near-death" experience!
God saved the Ninevites from destruction in Jonah's story. if i keep my story parallel to Jonah's, then God must've saved somebody from destruction in my story! and i might only know who/what/where/why/how in years to come. (that, or i might never know at all!) Nonetheless, these mysteries of God compels me to believe that He's just all the more hands-on in my life.
I love you, Lord. Don't ever let me go.
Monday, September 3, 2007
In dire need of HELP.
to the two of you who actually read this junk,
It's been a a fortnight of literal darkness for me in terms of direction, lifestyle, settlement and belonging. What's really been keeping me afloat was and always will be, my hero. These past two years, I've just experienced as much as i can dare stretch myself to experience. Nevertheless, I fear if i told you everything, you'd either:
a) scuttle away quietly so as to not hurt my feelings. *laughs*
It's been a a fortnight of literal darkness for me in terms of direction, lifestyle, settlement and belonging. What's really been keeping me afloat was and always will be, my hero. These past two years, I've just experienced as much as i can dare stretch myself to experience. Nevertheless, I fear if i told you everything, you'd either:
a) scuttle away quietly so as to not hurt my feelings. *laughs*
b) experience major brain hemorrhage and die an untimely death due to encephalitis.
c) phase out and ask for a lolly every ten seconds.
so in order to prevent embarassment or casualties, i've decided to just keep the details from either parties (that's right, even from myself). But let's not sidetrack, my muffins, from the good tidings i bear. I don't have the time to write everything, so i'm plucking this huge excerpt from an email i wrote:
so in order to prevent embarassment or casualties, i've decided to just keep the details from either parties (that's right, even from myself). But let's not sidetrack, my muffins, from the good tidings i bear. I don't have the time to write everything, so i'm plucking this huge excerpt from an email i wrote:
"So this is the story. I went to Help last thursday, (two thursdays ago) and met this guy called william. (no doubt the same one who told me that a transferral of credit hours was not possible) but he doesn't remember me, i think.
anyway, he looked at my transcripts and CGPA and told me that i was a good student and that i shouldn't waste it by enrolling into a 4+0 program. he told me to transfer credit into their ADP program, and said i would only need to go to BSU (bermidji State U, Minnesota) for 1 and a 1/2 years after one year in HELP.
he also interviewed me about my mission and why i wanted to do mass comm and he was (in his words) "most impressed". he called and spoke to my dad to convince him, as the budget, william felt, was affordable. Lynn a representative for BSU, was there to tell me how to get a job on campus and how to save on fees.
so according to william, my dad said that the figure he gave was achievable and so now, i'm back to the twinning program idea. Can you believe it? i'll be going to america next august. *blank stare*
help has been good. attended my first chemistry lab and the lecturer, andrew tennant is awesome...nasty but awesome. aside chemistry, i'm taking physics, and media writing this semester. looking forward to studying again, although still a bit wary. worried that i might end up stuck again. initially, i was a bit unsettled about it all, but i wanna leave this to God this time around.
the excitement for me is .....still growing. i must say i'm very relieved i get to transfer credits instead of starting from scratch all over again. it's really nice to know i'll be able to graduate sooner than i thought.
so yeah.
i'm renting a room at Joash' apartment here in jalan ipoh. and will be attending joash's church for the one year (or less) that i'll be in KL. went for jazz fest last night (two saturdays ago) with tabitha but only for an hour. enjoyed sharizan and the asiana percussion performance very much. tabitha is awesome, and is turning out to be a very good friend to me....."
by the way, this paragraph is a tribute to tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha. (so there. that sentence called for her name to be mentioned ten times!) *laughs* Tabs has been a super awesome friend to me and we've only just met for a few weeks! She's made countless efforts to get me off my depressed butt, by driving me around in her little car - recommending stuff and cracking the most hilarious of jokes!
"I'm funnier today because of my talk with tabitha yesterday." *laughs hysterically*
"...i can finally say with confidence that i'm really doing so much better. I'll just be pursuing God all the way now. don't intend to change this for the longest of times. i intend to do really well in my studies and maybe even form a temporary one year band project before i leave for the states. it could be fun.
i think that's all prolly info overload to you. so i'll stop for now."
Haha, bear with, people!
With all my love,
Phoebe Lee Matthews
p/s - i made shepherd's pie!!!
anyway, he looked at my transcripts and CGPA and told me that i was a good student and that i shouldn't waste it by enrolling into a 4+0 program. he told me to transfer credit into their ADP program, and said i would only need to go to BSU (bermidji State U, Minnesota) for 1 and a 1/2 years after one year in HELP.
he also interviewed me about my mission and why i wanted to do mass comm and he was (in his words) "most impressed". he called and spoke to my dad to convince him, as the budget, william felt, was affordable. Lynn a representative for BSU, was there to tell me how to get a job on campus and how to save on fees.
so according to william, my dad said that the figure he gave was achievable and so now, i'm back to the twinning program idea. Can you believe it? i'll be going to america next august. *blank stare*
help has been good. attended my first chemistry lab and the lecturer, andrew tennant is awesome...nasty but awesome. aside chemistry, i'm taking physics, and media writing this semester. looking forward to studying again, although still a bit wary. worried that i might end up stuck again. initially, i was a bit unsettled about it all, but i wanna leave this to God this time around.
the excitement for me is .....still growing. i must say i'm very relieved i get to transfer credits instead of starting from scratch all over again. it's really nice to know i'll be able to graduate sooner than i thought.
so yeah.
i'm renting a room at Joash' apartment here in jalan ipoh. and will be attending joash's church for the one year (or less) that i'll be in KL. went for jazz fest last night (two saturdays ago) with tabitha but only for an hour. enjoyed sharizan and the asiana percussion performance very much. tabitha is awesome, and is turning out to be a very good friend to me....."
by the way, this paragraph is a tribute to tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha. (so there. that sentence called for her name to be mentioned ten times!) *laughs* Tabs has been a super awesome friend to me and we've only just met for a few weeks! She's made countless efforts to get me off my depressed butt, by driving me around in her little car - recommending stuff and cracking the most hilarious of jokes!
"I'm funnier today because of my talk with tabitha yesterday." *laughs hysterically*
"...i can finally say with confidence that i'm really doing so much better. I'll just be pursuing God all the way now. don't intend to change this for the longest of times. i intend to do really well in my studies and maybe even form a temporary one year band project before i leave for the states. it could be fun.
i think that's all prolly info overload to you. so i'll stop for now."
Haha, bear with, people!
With all my love,
Phoebe Lee Matthews
p/s - i made shepherd's pie!!!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Whispered Repentance
I wrote this in 2002.
You came to me in a whisper,
Like a stranger, yet so familiar
My heart pounds louder and louder
Into my head; deeper and deeper
Your voice I seem to know; I've heard it once before
From you I've turned away
Yet you came to me today
In your presence; I'm awe-strickened
My body weakens
I feel myself fall into your embrace
I look up and see your face
It shone in deeper ambience
How could I have endured your absence?
My eyes cloud into a torrential downpour
I feel emptied right down to my core
Faceless and impure; I didn't know who I was anymore
Reality sweeps me over
All I wanted was to be like you
So here in your cover
My new skin breaks through
My old self dies as you take me into the skies....
I remember you coming to me in a whisper
Ah, yes, but yesterday seems distant; today I'm different
I'm becoming You.
You came to me in a whisper,
Like a stranger, yet so familiar
My heart pounds louder and louder
Into my head; deeper and deeper
Your voice I seem to know; I've heard it once before
From you I've turned away
Yet you came to me today
In your presence; I'm awe-strickened
My body weakens
I feel myself fall into your embrace
I look up and see your face
It shone in deeper ambience
How could I have endured your absence?
My eyes cloud into a torrential downpour
I feel emptied right down to my core
Faceless and impure; I didn't know who I was anymore
Reality sweeps me over
All I wanted was to be like you
So here in your cover
My new skin breaks through
My old self dies as you take me into the skies....
I remember you coming to me in a whisper
Ah, yes, but yesterday seems distant; today I'm different
I'm becoming You.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
When tired, sleep; When tired, write
I'm a little exhausted today
My world's in a daze
This ache --
Oh, this despicable ache!
It gnaws at my pumping heart
in morning's melancholy blaze
I'm a little exhausted, today
My state is inexplicable
Driven on with impossible dreams
Chastized by consequences of whim
Constantly, constantly
remembering constantly
tortured by sorrow, disdain bred
still I strive to keep my sanity sacred
My head it hurts
I have no words
It always leaves me
breathing hard
i feel my lungs
being teased by shards
of glass - as
it strains
to sustain
my limp, beating heart.
18th March 2005
Revised: August 2007
My world's in a daze
This ache --
Oh, this despicable ache!
It gnaws at my pumping heart
in morning's melancholy blaze
I'm a little exhausted, today
My state is inexplicable
Driven on with impossible dreams
Chastized by consequences of whim
Constantly, constantly
remembering constantly
tortured by sorrow, disdain bred
still I strive to keep my sanity sacred
My head it hurts
I have no words
It always leaves me
breathing hard
i feel my lungs
being teased by shards
of glass - as
it strains
to sustain
my limp, beating heart.
18th March 2005
Revised: August 2007
Haiku
Sculpted on: 3rd of March, 2005
1st Revision: 23rd November, 2005
2nd Revision: August 2007
i'm trapped in you
it's getting harder to turn-
getting harder to move my feet.
i wait for you
my heart would burn
impatient; anticipating our meet.
So awed by your story
till everything around me
....stands still -
i tend to forget
every wound, pride and glory
wolves may come; i smile still.
i'm breathing you in
drinking you so deep
i resist you but cannot win.
you - make it impossible to sleep!
make trees sway in absent wind
make blood run cold under the skin.
i just sit here
'tis just too hard to move my feet
help me find you here
I want to be complete.
1st Revision: 23rd November, 2005
2nd Revision: August 2007
i'm trapped in you
it's getting harder to turn-
getting harder to move my feet.
i wait for you
my heart would burn
impatient; anticipating our meet.
So awed by your story
till everything around me
....stands still -
i tend to forget
every wound, pride and glory
wolves may come; i smile still.
i'm breathing you in
drinking you so deep
i resist you but cannot win.
you - make it impossible to sleep!
make trees sway in absent wind
make blood run cold under the skin.
i just sit here
'tis just too hard to move my feet
help me find you here
I want to be complete.
My Dues
Steve Lam tagged me some time ago, but i hadn't the time, ideas or facilities to pay my dues. But the day has come. I'm not going to be tagging anyone else for this one, though. Excuse: I'd already done this one before and find it utterly boring. Surely the human mind is far more capable of coming up with better tags than these.
Generating list...
List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
Things that never were:
1. I was tempted to join "One in A Million". I argued the pros and cons with myself for three days and three nights. The pressure was so intense that i got sick in front of the TV when the interview dates popped up. And then, i joined.
2. I am a completely sane and rational human being.
3. I read Philip Stretchman's trilogy of His Bright Materials: The Silver Compass (soon to be made a motion picture), The Loud Knife and The Turquoise Spyglass.
4. I am Queen Phoebe and reign over you peasants, with an iron fist! I expect complete obedience and a tithe of no less than 70% from the profit earned selling crops.
5. I despise playing TABOO with the greatest intensity. With all mine heart, with all mine soul and with all mine mind. Any game that convinces you that your sole purpose in life is to read the dictionary, Merriam-Webster's preferably, is heretical! Taboo should literally be tabooed! So there.
6. I am dead to the world when asleep. Drop an anvil on me and I'll prove to you I won't get up. Try it.
7. I am bound to a life of celibacy. I will never marry. I will live to be a 78 year old spinster with 36 cats, a love-ringed parakeet, and two male terappins. I would own a dog, a St. Bernard, along the course of my life but it will die a tragic death and i will swear never to own another dog after Fuzzy (the name of the St. Bernard i will own in the distant future. Fuzzy is pronounced "Fur-jhee").
8. I fully comprehend God.
Generating list...
List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
Things that never were:
1. I was tempted to join "One in A Million". I argued the pros and cons with myself for three days and three nights. The pressure was so intense that i got sick in front of the TV when the interview dates popped up. And then, i joined.
2. I am a completely sane and rational human being.
3. I read Philip Stretchman's trilogy of His Bright Materials: The Silver Compass (soon to be made a motion picture), The Loud Knife and The Turquoise Spyglass.
4. I am Queen Phoebe and reign over you peasants, with an iron fist! I expect complete obedience and a tithe of no less than 70% from the profit earned selling crops.
5. I despise playing TABOO with the greatest intensity. With all mine heart, with all mine soul and with all mine mind. Any game that convinces you that your sole purpose in life is to read the dictionary, Merriam-Webster's preferably, is heretical! Taboo should literally be tabooed! So there.
6. I am dead to the world when asleep. Drop an anvil on me and I'll prove to you I won't get up. Try it.
7. I am bound to a life of celibacy. I will never marry. I will live to be a 78 year old spinster with 36 cats, a love-ringed parakeet, and two male terappins. I would own a dog, a St. Bernard, along the course of my life but it will die a tragic death and i will swear never to own another dog after Fuzzy (the name of the St. Bernard i will own in the distant future. Fuzzy is pronounced "Fur-jhee").
8. I fully comprehend God.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Gah.
Weddings and marriage engagements appear most depressing to me at the moment. I've attended a wedding reception and a wedding engagement this month, and have found myself being so fidgety, both in my seat and in my mind. It gets really hard to bear especially these days.
I find myself so drawn back, so analytical, so... strange. I'm beginning to dislike myself with the greatest intensity. I used to be such a romantic too. I loved weddings. I loved sharing in the joy of matrimonial, i loved the smiles, the excitement, the friends, the lights, the food, the clothes, the other-guests'-babies! I would just sit back and observe the happy couple and anticipate the best for them.
I can't say I'm not happy for good friends who've tied the knot. Truly, i am. But I've lost the genuineness of excitement, the innocence of romance; and i have traded it in for sombre skepticism. And truth be told, it vacuums. I really want to be happy in weddings again. But i guess these phases take time.
Don't worry this post isn't really about hate or weddings. Or even the hate of weddings. I just decided to use it as an analogy to introduce the thoughts that have been orbiting my mind this month.
It's really horrible when you suddenly realize you're constricted to this invisible entrapment, leaving you clueless as to how to get out. Can you picture a 6-year-old, pressing his button nose against a glass door, wishing he could go out and play; having no one to play with, he just decides to remain indoors anyway? Well, picture that and you probably have a basic picture of me. That's generally how I feel at this point. And you know what? It's even harder to know that the only thing standing between me and the fun outside is not the glass door - but rather, it's just me.
We wage war against ourselves everyday - in simple decisions, in our academics, in communication, in food consumption, in socializing, in work-related activities, etc. Not necessarily a bad thing. But what if you're just so deluged in arguments that you just haven't the slightest idea what to do? Or what if you're just so flooded with ideas, justifications - that it confuses your perception? Or what if your thoughts make you so uncertain if your actions are truly as platonic (unselfishly motivated) as you believe?
Does all this matter anyway? I strive so hard to be unselfish, to be true to my word, a friend in whatever circumstance. But i struggle in my own battle of thoughts and hurt. A war waged within.
Who can help?
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
(Psalm 121:1 & 2)
I need you, Lord.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The Essence of Phoebe
Somehow, I've always suspected this.....
You are the Mad Hatter
You are completely insane.
Hatters usually went mad in those days because of handling mercury
(which makes anyone go mad after long exposure) while making hats.
Your Role:
You continuously drink tea,
Your Role:
You continuously drink tea,
because to you it is always 6 o'clock (tea time)
You Take Test Too Yes?
I took the "Alice in Wonderland" Character Quiz.
And believe it to be accurate! *laughs hysterically*
I honestly do fancy seeing myself being the Mad Hatter!
"Twinkle, twinkle little bat
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle—"
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle—"
And oh,
Query #1: Guess what?
I've actually heard that there is a Mad Hatter's Day! Hoho, I kid you not!
Query #2: When, in the Cause of Time and the Second Law of the Theory of Thermodynamics, is Mad Hatter's Day?
You daft bat! Why, the Sixth of October, of course!
(Refer to Mad Hatter's Hat: "In this style 10/6") Unless of course, you want to read it as the tenth of June, which totally vacuums because we would've missed it already!
So i still like the idea of it being on the sixth of October. I don't really care if you agree with me. It's not really a free world, if you think about it. (But seriously though, it's already officially celebrated on the sixth of October. Nothing doing.)
Query #3: What, in the purple supermarket, do you do on Mad Hatter's Day?
We generally celebrate silliness! You eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, spreading the peanut butter and jelly all over on top rather than between two pieces of bread. Write backwards. Don't just speak, SPELL! Wind the clock 3 hours back and let kids stay up a little more. Send wedding invitations and shock the living daylights out of everybody. Sabo somebody with weird flavoring! (I've personally ordered a sabo-ing of dark chocolate and black cherry!)
ETC.
Oh, but don't harm. Save that for April Fool's.
So i still like the idea of it being on the sixth of October. I don't really care if you agree with me. It's not really a free world, if you think about it. (But seriously though, it's already officially celebrated on the sixth of October. Nothing doing.)
Query #3: What, in the purple supermarket, do you do on Mad Hatter's Day?
We generally celebrate silliness! You eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, spreading the peanut butter and jelly all over on top rather than between two pieces of bread. Write backwards. Don't just speak, SPELL! Wind the clock 3 hours back and let kids stay up a little more. Send wedding invitations and shock the living daylights out of everybody. Sabo somebody with weird flavoring! (I've personally ordered a sabo-ing of dark chocolate and black cherry!)
ETC.
Oh, but don't harm. Save that for April Fool's.
And before i forget:
A very, merry unbirthday to you! *throws confetti* Whoopee!
(unless of course your birthday is today, in which case, i apologize profusely)
Want the history?
It's worth the read!
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