Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Read my previous post, and realized it didn't make very much sense. But it was a good reminder of where I was at emotionally, and spiritually. 

I just got done taking care of the beautiful and the shot - Mahto kids. The parents are unfortunately down with the stomach flu. (Please pray for the Mahtos.) As I decompress, I wanted to be able to put my thoughts on paper - so here it is. I have been really blessed to be here at Irvingboro, it's so much better than being homeless. *laughs* I am also definitely indebted to everyone who has been gracious to me and obedient to the Lord's instruction to bless me. That has kept me fed all these weeks.

Not too long ago, a good friend of mine told me, "Please don't be offended. But I think you're too apologetic and gullible lately." I did not disagree with him, because it was true. Lately, I've felt an increase in social anxiety and I was trying to figure out where it was stemming from. I've made a lot of communication errors on the way -- and have confused people. I guess there's nothing more to say than this: that in trying to figure this awkwardness out, I have not been able to socially function well. And I can only hope for empathy/grace/forgiveness/[insert relevant word] from dear friends who've had to bear with me. (Thanks, Jake.)

Tell me what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior (DC Talk)

It finally dawned on me what this was all about. It started when I shared with people about my situation with my employment card. I was frustrated about : not being able to take care of myself, doubting that this was what God wanted for me, my tons of foolish pride, broken ideals/expectations and the queasiness I was getting from the rapid change in plans, lifestyle, and routine because of it. 

I began to feel insecure around people who knew what I was going through, feeling overtly ashamed about my situation of not being able to take care of myself, became apologetic to people with stronger personalities -- not being able to withstand "intimidation" as my confidence was pretty much shot due to my dependency. I also knew I was being irrational emotionally, but it's just one of those things that always seem to wrestle for your attention. (Thanks, Brittany and HuiMin for spiritual discussion about insecurities.)

Realization: I define myself by how much money I have/am getting. 

My heart sank as I typed that.

Then begins the over-analytical phase. God, I truly need to learn how to take my imagination/thoughts captive!! What utter rubbish the carnal mind spews. I hate that I'm bound by so many mechanisms that trigger or shut down social functions! I read Romans 12 again today. Do not be conformed, but be transformed -- by the renewing of your mind! The battle against self is the most brutal of all. Paul wasn't kidding when he talked about spiritual warfare and putting on the armor of God (Ephesians 6). (Thanks, DJ for the spiritual counsel on the way to Fargo.)

On top of that, I've been transitioning into adulthood. Sure, I've been an adult by age -- but definitely not in lifestyle. Many of my closest confidantes are gone, moved away or have moved on to a different phase of life. Soon, my college student friends will be caught up with school, and with the new students that will come in (inevitable and expected). Suddenly, the need to build a new guild of like-minded adult friends becomes urgent. Who do I keep accountable to? Or rather, who can I trust to keep accountable to? (Thanks, Rob.) Learning to deal with broken pride and expectations have been the order of the day. I have to remember that this will prove to be invaluable to me in future. I have to keep pushing through this oddness.

Because the conclusion -- or rather, the introduction -- to all of this, (brace yourself for the cliche) is not about me, and it's never going to be about me. This life I have is God's project. The ministries I have had the opportunity to serve and participate in, have never added or taken away from His work. I really need to stop kidding myself that I am at all in control of anything. Because I truly am not. (Thanks, Mike.)

Thanks for bearing with me, dearest of friends. The next time you do get frustrated with me and my awkwardness, please consider my wrestling against my own flesh. The best quote I have heard this week is: "I'm sorry for not being Jesus." 

And I say that with all my heart. Thanks for reading.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Here again. Storm of thoughts.

Here I am a month later. And the permit has been delayed again. Setback after setback.

I have been walking a lot lately. Just to clear my head. Just to refocus. I think God knows I need this lesson in patience. Furrowed brows, nervous heart, quivering lip -- as I try to figure all of this out. And God says to trust Him.

I really need to quit these voices in my head. How do you silence the enemy? Or will it just continue to rage in you throughout this season of setbacks and doubt? I know in my heart that God will come through for me. He has given me that peace.

So why do I feel despondent? I want to depend on you, Lord. All these hopes and dreams - is it all vanity? Is this from you? If this is not it, show me, tell me.

I'm listening. Life is too short, I've lost so much time already. If you say go, I will go.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Only So Much.

There's only so much that I can say, before I begin exploding (if not imploding) about how crazy and amazing you are to me. These past few weeks have been literally torturous for my impatience - but a challenge for my morale, spirit and esteem. Just trying to figure out if you want me here in beautiful Bemidji, or to pack up and ship out. This is forcing me to really grow dependent on you and your counterparts here on earth. 

I'm listening for you. Speak to me. 

I refuse to raise my hopes for this job, but there is hope nonetheless. I'm praying that this thing gets through but is this what you want? I doubt you're pressed to help me figure out something so trivial -- but I'm asking you anyway. There's just been way too much leeway and I've slipped between the cracks one too many times. I need you to go ahead of me this time. I will not go if you don't. 

I feel frustrated.

Maybe because I've been here before. You'd think that one could graduate from these things. *laughs* I recognize this time of doubt. I recognize these thoughts. These questions. These distractions.

And then I recognize your love. Your provision. Your patience. I recognize your peace.

Yet I speak like an insolent little child. Demanding the rights of a prodigal -- which is what, really? And for what purpose? So I can squander it on the shallows of life? My God, my God, why have I forsaken you again? Am I so fickle a creature that I am so prone to abandoning my creator? 

You hold all things together -- even the very fibers that make up my being. You know the plans you have for me. In that, I will be content. In that, I will rejoice in my uncertainty. I will remember your gift of hope for my mortality. I will remember the gift of eternity for humanity.

I will remember You.

What can I say without imploding (or exploding) about how lovely, and how all-knowing you are? Only so much.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

On days when nothing is right.

My present state of consciousness is a little fox being chased down by a pack of violent memory-hounds, fiercely barking up the time-tree from which I've sought my interim refuge. They are loud. Overwhelmed by the chaos in my head, I fall off and into an ocean of tears below. A deep blue that spews waves, haunting with thunderous voices so loud you don't know it's there. They are eventually ceased, crashing on the shore of this reality I have become grossly accustomed to. Must there be so much of you, Ignorance? Is there nothing more beautiful than you, that I should choose you above another?

How real is my mortality. How real is eternity. How real is my Lord.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hello Favorite

A tribute to the strongest family of faith I know. The Ludwinskis. Love you guys!

In honor and loving memory of my dearest and closest friend and brother, Erik Ludwinski, who wholly glorified his God with his body, in his faith, and through his character. He had battled Neuroblastoma three times in his life. With Jesus by his side, he made his final triumph and returned home to be with the Lord, February 9, 2010.

"This evening (Feb 9th) at 9:35 pm Erik went to be with the Lord. And we are so happy to know now that he is not in any pain, and he is walking, and breathing the sweet air of heaven. ~Lesa”

Erik Paul Ludwinski
February 9, 2010 - ∞

This video is his story in his own art, music, photographs and words.

For Erik's remarkable full story: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/erikludwinski

History of the Nickname "Favorite":
My facebook is overcrowded and there were more than one Erik/Eric to scroll through in my friend list. Erik loved to prank me whenever i left my laptop by him and my facebook account was open. He would always change my profile status to the most ridiculous of things. (He has also done this to many of his other close friends too. i.e. Tab Sze). So when he found out that he wasn't the only Erik on my list, he playfully pouted and asked, "Heeyyy, exactly how many Eriks do you know?" To which i replied, "Now, now. Stop sulking. You are definitely my favoritest of Eriks." Started calling him that, and soon after shortened it to "Favorite".

Miss you, favorite.

- Phoebe

Friday, January 22, 2010


Hey, this is Phoebe. Share your spit and consider becoming a marrow donor, yes?