I am a child.

I am such a child.

Honestly, there are days, when i wonder about my constant struggles and wrestlings so much it invades my time with God. i become so bent on praying about my questions and needs -- that it really just stops at being a rant session.

Tangent: Sure, my Abba is a great friend, and would listen to my every heart's whispers -- but he is still Abba. Not my homie.

My point though, being: what did he actually have to say to me that night? I was so busy whining, I didn't listen. I remember reading the 46th Psalm promising,  "God is my refuge in times of trouble" and after that asking, "I feel so far away from you,Lord. How long must I wait?" The fact of the matter is, the word says:

Psalm 46

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

God IS my refuge and strength and EVER-present help in trouble. This is no mere suggestion. And if I claim that i believe His Word, and that it is truth, why do I see it as dead statement, and not fact? Why don't I understand God's plan to be my refuge, even when my world gives way?

I am not listening. And i fear this greatly.

I am  such a child.

Romans 8

 ¹² Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

 ¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.^[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,^[g] Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

 Figure out the betweens.

Broken, noncongruent thoughts.

These are raw, unfiltered, incoherent thoughts. Tarry with me and fill the betweens on your own.

I heard the song "The House of God, Forever" in my head today and it prompted me to read the word. Before anything else though, of course, I'd wanted to read Psalm 23 (thanks to the song), as I hadn't for a very long time and felt in my spirit that God had something to say to me.

To those who know me, you may know that I'm in a specific season or even that I'm on a specific mission this month as well. To be reading about God being my shepherd and therefore I would NOT be in want -- since He will lead me to things that I need -- is timely, and a great solace. Recently, I've been hearing about the many challenges that good friends around me are going through, and have been able to see that our God is just working so keenly over and on them. And man, it gives me great assurance that my Father is tinkering on me too. These adjustments, the people I'm meeting, the culture i've been led to -- all of it. God is just all over this. I need to remember.

I was asked again today: Why Bemidji? And that opened the floodgates of memories and the journey I've had to embark on -- the doing of a meticulous God, who has placed me here in this specific timeline of life, surely for a reason. I am being grown, and used. And God is far from done with me, He will in due time. Just not yet. Reeling back though, I really needed to be asked that question, as it reminded me why I'm here. This is part of His plan -- and I have lost sight of it many times. This offering month so far has only served to remind me that I am operating purely by God's grace, through His son Jesus.

The word "restore" in 23 totally grabbed me; what did David mean when he said that God restores my soul?

restore (chayah - hebrew)
English verb

1: return to its original or usable and functioning condition; "restore the forest to its original pristine condition" [syn: reconstruct]
2: return to life; get or give new life or energy; "The week at the spa restored me" [syn: regenerate, rejuvenate]
3: give or bring back; "Restore the stolen painting to its rightful owner" [syn: restitute]
4: restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken; "She repaired her TV set"; "Repair my shoes please" [syn: repair, mend, fix, bushel, doctor, furbish up, touch on] [ant: break]
5: bring back into original existence, use, function, or position; "restore law and order"; "reestablish peace in the region"; "restore the emperor to the throne" [syn: reinstate, reestablish]

Hebrew
to live, have life, remain alive, sustain life, live prosperously, live for ever, be quickened, be alive, be restored to life or health.

Tried looking for an ancient hebrew dictionary, but I couldn't locate one. Either way, God's point has been plainly put across for me. Sometimes, I overlook what I "know" so well (a curse of growing up in the church), and miss what Jesus is truly saying -- across time. He leads us to where we are, for His Name's sake. And here I thought, God would add to my greatness when I follow Him. I judged the disciples when I read about them seeking to sit by the right hand of God, when I am a hypocrite no less. Jesus responded revolutionarily. He knew they didn't understand what they were asking for. And he proceeded to teach what true greatness is about.

At the worship leader's meeting today, I was sharing about how I see myself serving the church. And with great resolve I answered, "a support role to leadership here". It wasn't something I usually would say to describe my ministry. Almost as if the words weren't mine. And something quivered in my spirit when i said that then, but now I understand as I continue to process my broken, non-sequential thoughts. I have always read about the Phoebe in the bible and her role in the church to better understand my purpose here on earth. Paul had commended her to the church, for her ministry and help.

1 I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a servant (or deaconess) of the church in Cenchrea. 2 I ask you to receive her in the Lord in a way worthy of the saints and to give her any help she may need from you, for she has been a great help to many people, including me. (Rom 16:1,2)

What shoes to fill! Such vanity on my part, to think that God placed me here for me! Jesus asked us to deny ourselves, take up the cross and follow Him. Phoebe of Cenchrea was commended by my hero Paul. I am not worthy of such a calling. And yet how merciful our God to promise us that His goodness and love will tailgate us all the days of our short lives regardless, as long as He is our shepherd.

Thanks for walking with me. Soon it will be time to break bread. I need to mark today.

Today I lacked nothing.

Introduction.

Read my previous post, and realized it didn't make very much sense. But it was a good reminder of where I was at emotionally, and spiritually. 

I just got done taking care of the beautiful and the shot - Mahto kids. The parents are unfortunately down with the stomach flu. (Please pray for the Mahtos.) As I decompress, I wanted to be able to put my thoughts on paper - so here it is. I have been really blessed to be here at Irvingboro, it's so much better than being homeless. *laughs* I am also definitely indebted to everyone who has been gracious to me and obedient to the Lord's instruction to bless me. That has kept me fed all these weeks.

Not too long ago, a good friend of mine told me, "Please don't be offended. But I think you're too apologetic and gullible lately." I did not disagree with him, because it was true. Lately, I've felt an increase in social anxiety and I was trying to figure out where it was stemming from. I've made a lot of communication errors on the way -- and have confused people. I guess there's nothing more to say than this: that in trying to figure this awkwardness out, I have not been able to socially function well. And I can only hope for empathy/grace/forgiveness/[insert relevant word] from dear friends who've had to bear with me. (Thanks, Jake.)

Tell me what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior (DC Talk)

It finally dawned on me what this was all about. It started when I shared with people about my situation with my employment card. I was frustrated about : not being able to take care of myself, doubting that this was what God wanted for me, my tons of foolish pride, broken ideals/expectations and the queasiness I was getting from the rapid change in plans, lifestyle, and routine because of it. 

I began to feel insecure around people who knew what I was going through, feeling overtly ashamed about my situation of not being able to take care of myself, became apologetic to people with stronger personalities -- not being able to withstand "intimidation" as my confidence was pretty much shot due to my dependency. I also knew I was being irrational emotionally, but it's just one of those things that always seem to wrestle for your attention. (Thanks, Brittany and HuiMin for spiritual discussion about insecurities.)

Realization: I define myself by how much money I have/am getting. 

My heart sank as I typed that.

Then begins the over-analytical phase. God, I truly need to learn how to take my imagination/thoughts captive!! What utter rubbish the carnal mind spews. I hate that I'm bound by so many mechanisms that trigger or shut down social functions! I read Romans 12 again today. Do not be conformed, but be transformed -- by the renewing of your mind! The battle against self is the most brutal of all. Paul wasn't kidding when he talked about spiritual warfare and putting on the armor of God (Ephesians 6). (Thanks, DJ for the spiritual counsel on the way to Fargo.)

On top of that, I've been transitioning into adulthood. Sure, I've been an adult by age -- but definitely not in lifestyle. Many of my closest confidantes are gone, moved away or have moved on to a different phase of life. Soon, my college student friends will be caught up with school, and with the new students that will come in (inevitable and expected). Suddenly, the need to build a new guild of like-minded adult friends becomes urgent. Who do I keep accountable to? Or rather, who can I trust to keep accountable to? (Thanks, Rob.) Learning to deal with broken pride and expectations have been the order of the day. I have to remember that this will prove to be invaluable to me in future. I have to keep pushing through this oddness.

Because the conclusion -- or rather, the introduction -- to all of this, (brace yourself for the cliche) is not about me, and it's never going to be about me. This life I have is God's project. The ministries I have had the opportunity to serve and participate in, have never added or taken away from His work. I really need to stop kidding myself that I am at all in control of anything. Because I truly am not. (Thanks, Mike.)

Thanks for bearing with me, dearest of friends. The next time you do get frustrated with me and my awkwardness, please consider my wrestling against my own flesh. The best quote I have heard this week is: "I'm sorry for not being Jesus." 

And I say that with all my heart. Thanks for reading.

Brokenness And Jon Foreman.

"So I'm not sure why it always flows downhill, why broken cisterns never could stay filled." (The Cure For Pain)

It started growing this past Sunday. This heaviness. Didn't... Couldn't point it out. But realized it was especially grieving whenever the theme of brokenness became the subject of conversation. It was House of Prayer's (my church in Bemidji) 7th year anniversary, and we were celebrating God's faithfulness in our worship service. Pastor Mike's message was about what he had learned in these 7 years, and talked about all that had happened in summary, mistakes, hurt, brokenness, events, growth, weakness, faith and God's faithfulness.

"Heavenly Father, you always amaze me. Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life." (Your Love is Strong)

And somehow, I was just really deeply moved at the thought of the brokenness that HOP had been through, and how papa who had come all the way from Malaysia to just chillax with his daughter, but wound up conveying a compelling message about being freed from excessive baggage. The conversations I've had this week with several important people in my life, were about their brokenness, and God redeeming them. This in turn, reminded me of my own deep-seated brokenness and how God redeemed me and has used that for his glory. And then, a friend of mine got to talking about this thing that has been happening for generations, something called: Female Genital Mutilation. Together we talked and read about this heinous tradition that was just killing so many little girls and women in the Middle East. (Thanks, Tab Sze.) I began seeing so many faceless people again. (My mom had a similar vision a very long time ago.)

"Instead let there be a flood of justice. Instead of a show." (Instead of a Show)

My heart just began weighing heavy again by the fact that there's just way more happening out there: injustices, diseases, lawlessness, indifference, etc. Can one person cause change or big enough impact? Not me. DEFINITELY.

But Jesus can. And that is just it. (Phil 4:13)

Recently, I have been wondering what the commotion is all about with my temporary permit. All this waiting. Too much drama for just a card. It was a long time before I realized that there was just something that I was missing. I knew this had to be some kind of preparation, training or other. But what sort, and what for?

Clueless.

All I knew was that I just really wanted to hear from God. (James 1:19 onwards) To do what He wants me to do, go where He wants me to go (but only if He goes out before me, cause I am such a 'fraidy cat, without Him). I am beginning to believe that I was getting too complacent, and had just lost my God-perspective on things. That, or I got distracted (which is VERY LIKELY). Pastor Mike mentioned once in one of his messages: "going to where God is working". What a way to gauge things! I was truly fascinated by that phrase, 'cause I'm looking at it and I definitely doodled it HUGE on my sketch-notebook. *laughs*

Today, I was debating attending this post-mortem type, briefing on the recent missions-medical trip made by a team of 22 to Peru. Two ladies in our church had been a part of that and had wanted to share their experiences to the sisters in church. Just before the meet, I had decided to clear my head with a walk. That's when I felt that I should go to this shindig and I am so glad I did.

It was intense. Just listening to the stories and to the stories of the lives that they had met throughout the trip. Hearing this girl just talk about how she had a different expectation spiritually, about the Peruvian trip and had been wondering about her purpose or role in the trip. It turned out that hers was something that would encourage the team, a seed sown into a seeker and life-jacket to a girl who was trying to figure things out. She was at a stage in her life where it was just stripped of regular scheduled programming. "Now what, Lord?" And its exactly where I was too. (Thanks, Catherine).

As they shared, something in me just clicked. Stirred up. Everything that has happened in the past year suddenly made sense, it was not a coincidence. It was all just leading up to a moment where I would finally get it. (I am definitely not there yet.) This year started out with me just experiencing things that were way beyond my control! Churches being fire-bombed in Malaysia, my parents getting into a road accident, situations with some dear friends, Erik's condition worsening, the intense God-life-death conversations we would have, and his victorious passing. All of that conglomerated, pointed out my mortality. Reminded me that our time here is not permanent, and short. Instilled this urgency. That God was all that mattered. And that people needed to know that.

School crept up on me, and I was engrossed in my academic career for the following two months. Next steps seemed natural. Work, grad school, and perhaps even a relationship that will lead to marriage. (My two best friends got married last month, so that was where that thought came from. Gotta love the psychology of things.) An amazing job offer came more than a month before I graduated! But three setbacks later, I still can't work due to documentation issues. So much for control, and holding things together! *laughs* Like I said before, you'd think one can graduate from these things!

Don't get me wrong though. These next steps I've mentioned are not being cancelled out. Leaving that to God. This is just more about the whole repositioning of my heart. It has been painful. It still is. And I still don't know how all of this is supposed to fit in my future, how everything is supposed to look like. But I truly believe, that it has been His hand in bringing me out of my despondency, my indifference and complacency. Returning to mission mindedness, wherever the mission field is. I have been yearning to be challenged and wanting intense Godly conversation. Well, it is now. Not in the way I expected. It has been through this storm of uncertainty, that God has proven Himself so incredibly REAL and certain. And strong.

"God is my shepherd. I won't be wanting. I won't be wanting." (The House of God, Forever)

Those words have never rung more true to me than tonight. That's all I can think of to say right now about where I'm at.

Here again. Storm of thoughts.

Here I am a month later. And the permit has been delayed again. Setback after setback.

I have been walking a lot lately. Just to clear my head. Just to refocus. I think God knows I need this lesson in patience. Furrowed brows, nervous heart, quivering lip -- as I try to figure all of this out. And God says to trust Him.

I really need to quit these voices in my head. How do you silence the enemy? Or will it just continue to rage in you throughout this season of setbacks and doubt? I know in my heart that God will come through for me. He has given me that peace.

So why do I feel despondent? I want to depend on you, Lord. All these hopes and dreams - is it all vanity? Is this from you? If this is not it, show me, tell me.

I'm listening. Life is too short, I've lost so much time already. If you say go, I will go.