New Insignia

Haha. This is the result of having too much free time.

From now on (and for a season), if you receive an email from me, you will see this bit under my name:

.......
.......

Love,
Phoebe!!

You have received this email to facilitate your privilege as a member of The Exclusive Phoebe Circle. If you don't want to receive emails like this to your external email account in the future, please click here to remove your email address from the subscription/notification list.

*chuckles*

I know. I know.

Lame.

p/s : yes, the "here" link in the above paragraph is actually connected to a valid URL.

Gah.

Weddings and marriage engagements appear most depressing to me at the moment. I've attended a wedding reception and a wedding engagement this month, and have found myself being so fidgety, both in my seat and in my mind. It gets really hard to bear especially these days.

I find myself so drawn back, so analytical, so... strange. I'm beginning to dislike myself with the greatest intensity. I used to be such a romantic too. I loved weddings. I loved sharing in the joy of matrimonial, i loved the smiles, the excitement, the friends, the lights, the food, the clothes, the other-guests'-babies! I would just sit back and observe the happy couple and anticipate the best for them.

I can't say I'm not happy for good friends who've tied the knot. Truly, i am. But I've lost the genuineness of excitement, the innocence of romance; and i have traded it in for sombre skepticism. And truth be told, it vacuums. I really want to be happy in weddings again. But i guess these phases take time.

Don't worry this post isn't really about hate or weddings. Or even the hate of weddings. I just decided to use it as an analogy to introduce the thoughts that have been orbiting my mind this month.

It's really horrible when you suddenly realize you're constricted to this invisible entrapment, leaving you clueless as to how to get out. Can you picture a 6-year-old, pressing his button nose against a glass door, wishing he could go out and play; having no one to play with, he just decides to remain indoors anyway? Well, picture that and you probably have a basic picture of me. That's generally how I feel at this point. And you know what? It's even harder to know that the only thing standing between me and the fun outside is not the glass door - but rather, it's just me.

We wage war against ourselves everyday - in simple decisions, in our academics, in communication, in food consumption, in socializing, in work-related activities, etc. Not necessarily a bad thing. But what if you're just so deluged in arguments that you just haven't the slightest idea what to do? Or what if you're just so flooded with ideas, justifications - that it confuses your perception? Or what if your thoughts make you so uncertain if your actions are truly as platonic (unselfishly motivated) as you believe?

Does all this matter anyway? I strive so hard to be unselfish, to be true to my word, a friend in whatever circumstance. But i struggle in my own battle of thoughts and hurt. A war waged within.

Who can help?

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

(Psalm 121:1 & 2)

I need you, Lord.

The Essence of Phoebe

Somehow, I've always suspected this.....

You are the Mad Hatter

You are completely insane.

Hatters usually went mad in those days because of handling mercury

(which makes anyone go mad after long exposure) while making hats.

Your Role:
You continuously drink tea,

because to you it is always 6 o'clock (tea time)

You Take Test Too Yes?

I took the "Alice in Wonderland" Character Quiz.

And believe it to be accurate! *laughs hysterically*

I honestly do fancy seeing myself being the Mad Hatter!

"Twinkle, twinkle little bat

How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle—"

And oh,

Query #1: Guess what?
I've actually heard that there is a Mad Hatter's Day! Hoho, I kid you not!

Query #2: When, in the Cause of Time and the Second Law of the Theory of Thermodynamics, is Mad Hatter's Day?
You daft bat! Why, the Sixth of October, of course!

(Refer to Mad Hatter's Hat: "In this style 10/6") Unless of course, you want to read it as the tenth of June, which totally vacuums because we would've missed it already!

So i still like the idea of it being on the sixth of October. I don't really care if you agree with me. It's not really a free world, if you think about it. (But seriously though, it's already officially celebrated on the sixth of October. Nothing doing.)

Query #3: What, in the purple supermarket, do you do on Mad Hatter's Day?
We generally celebrate silliness! You eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, spreading the peanut butter and jelly all over on top rather than between two pieces of bread. Write backwards. Don't just speak, SPELL! Wind the clock 3 hours back and let kids stay up a little more. Send wedding invitations and shock the living daylights out of everybody. Sabo somebody with weird flavoring! (I've personally ordered a sabo-ing of dark chocolate and black cherry!)

ETC.

Oh, but don't harm. Save that for April Fool's.

And before i forget:

A very, merry unbirthday to you! *throws confetti* Whoopee!

(unless of course your birthday is today, in which case, i apologize profusely)

Want the history?

Go here: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~ari/madHatter.html

It's worth the read!

Picture Sources:
http://www.kafejo.com/holidays/hatter.htm

Phoebe is back.

It's nice to actually be back to face my happy-lappy again. It's been yet another heavy week for me.

Haha. Okay, okay. I'm sorry i'm vague. I don't really like giving people accounts of the day. It's not particularly my favorite thing to do. I don't feel like i owe the world any sorta report -- but since there are requests, i do them for your sakes.

The Influence conference went great. It was most informative and it was definitely a mild jolt of sobering reality. Not that huge a jolt, but a jolt nonetheless. Money matters, conducting one's self, interviews, poise, communication, preparations, savings, decisions and most importantly PRINCIPLES, achieving balance and being the Daniel that God called us to be.

Aside the conference, I've had the greatest fun when out with my friends. On Thursday, i spent the whole day out hanging with my former college mates. I had gone to INTI itself with Eva and for some reason, somehow "inspired" her to skip a talk that she had rushed there for. *lol*

So we enjoyed together-time for a bit (in addition to the long talk the previous night), and i did my devotion there before Clayton came. We headed for lunch right after that, picking John Gan up on the way. And then, in the evening, we went to Ikea/The Curve to first meetup with my sister, 3 close pk-friends of mine, along with 2 other persons, whom i was to get to know. But when i got there, there were more people than expected!

So there was Lemuel, Melanie, Joash and May (whom i met for the very first time!), Angela, Chris, Tryphena, Clayton, Chen Fei and Lionel (the last time i saw him was at PK retreat!). What a noisy group we were! Angela said something like, "It's only with Lemuel that a meeting in Ikea could turn into a mamak one!" I laughed. We had such great fun catching up with each other! Later, Joshua Ong and Rachel came to join us too (they're both PKs) and that added to the merry fun we were having. So the day's quick gathering wound up being an unoffish PK gathering! Coo.

We adjourned to Laundry, to go watch my former band, OOF (Ocean of Fire) from Penang play for Project Bazooka. All my pk buddies weren't really up for Laundry, so my sister and I made our way over at 9pm leaving them at IKANO. They actually had far more fun without us after that, leading me to believe I'm not the fun person that i think i am. *lol*

However, I was already psyched then! I was going to watch OOF perform! It was exciting to be able to see Kelvyn, CHIAT, Jon BBQ, Scully, and ZHU again after such a long time! After talking much, i resumed my place with Clayton, Chen Fei, Kevin, Wee Kee and Tryphena and we talked some more. The suspense was definitely building.

To my utter joy and amazement, the rest of the PKs joined us then too! I was so pleasantly surprised and swelling much with gratitude. I felt honored that they could come and support my band with me too. I introduced as many people as i could to my band and then settled to wait for the show to start. It was quite a wait. Instead of OOF getting up there first, it was Two Sides of a Story (picture below) and then Poseidon.

The PKs couldn't stay long enough for the show, but i appreciate their attempt anyway. (Thanks, guys!) My band only got the stage at 11:30pm that night. Horrid scheduling.

When they finally got up there though, I was a bit nervous because my band was an instrumental one (and a super good one, at that) and might come off a little different than the usual. Nevertheless, my friends that remained with me were most impressed and i was so happy everyone had a great time. Clayton and Chen Fei even wanted to buy their EP album when it comes out (August's end, I've been told). I was never so proud of my band in my life. Haha. But then again, I'm always bursting with pride for them. You can really see it on my face!

So yeah, OOF blew me and my friends away that night! Enough said.

The next day, I hung out with Chen Fei, Clayton and Eva again. We did the general walkabout at 1U. We wanted to catch a movie together at first but we couldn't due to time constraints. They had their respective cell-groups to attend and i had the first night of Influence to go too anyway. Saturday was all Influence. I met God again and He blew me MILES away. OOF fades immediately in the presence of my Lord.

And him meeting me is the most amazing experience in the world.

I said the conference sobered me and here's why. Academically, I'm still stuck for various reasons - and the speakers of the camp were emphasizing early preparation, savings, direction and decisions. Thoughts bombarded me constantly about my past, present and future, and I was always shifting uncomfortably in my seat. But it's amazing how God is always ever-willing to hear my cries and anxieties. Even I would've grown bored of listening to myself. But he is my only help at this point and he strengthens me with words of rebuke, hope and love. and i always feel the deepest calm after being ministered to.

And then came the abrupt ending of my KL stay. I returned to Taiping on an 11:30am bus on Sunday, arriving 3:10pm. We left for my Butterworth Outreach Church at about 5-ish that evening. I was so tired from all the travelling but became very refreshed when playing the keys for church worship.

Needless to say, i fell asleep before my head reached the pillow that night. All in all, I've had a wonderful week! Thanks for meeting with me, friends. Thanks for meeting with me, my Lord.

So, how was your week?


Picture Sources:
http://moiham.blogdrive.com (Special thanks to Shua for the pictures!)
http://www.hispaniconline.com/magazine/2005/december/Features/sprituality.html

So Help Me God

I thank God for the amazing friends that i'd discovered in the lives of very special individuals, of whom i've had the pleasure of knowing. They probably have no idea how much their presence had meant to me not only throughout my short trip to Petaling Jaya, but even in my life so far. The turmoil i was going through for the past two weeks have been a little more than overwhelming.

To Eva Sam: My Multiply Site has never been more active! You've showered me with your love and concern, comments and feedback on everything I do, write, post, upload, or think! I'd only gotten to know you better after Subang Jaya, and i've never regretted a moment! I will never forget our shopping adventure in Times Square and all the stuff we bought. Haha! my Silver Spartan sandals will always be my favorite pair of shoes! (your gold ones look stellar, by the way!) It feels so comforting to know that there is someone who will always be there for me -- You're now more than a friend to me. I can now say with full conviction, that you are, in true fact, my sister.

Eva and Clayts, I will never forget this past conference. Talking our little hearts out, firm grasps of hands, laughing till our sides ached, crying and repenting together on our knees, and worshipping God with our might. It's been awesome.

To Clayton Cheung: Being around you helps me feel calm and laid back. It's not a bad thing! You've always been a great listener and i've been able to count on you to be my rant-board. You've also been ever willing to help me out whenever i needed it. And not to forget the enthusiasm we share for writing songs and having jam sessions. Come to think of it, that's how it all began right? Music? Those playful recording sessions we had last December were one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had. And it's all thanks to you. Remember always that that was your brainchild. Let's have more sessions! Clayts, it's truly been an honor knowing you thus far. Here's to more fun-filled days, frapucinnos and lattes! Cheers mate!

(Melissa : no picture available - she's particular about these things)

To Melissa Yip: Whenever you could, you were always around to cheer me up. You've always tried to understand, you've supported me, you've kept me company tirelessly, you looked out for me and shared your deepest hurts. I am grateful for your trust, and for being that trustworthy person that everyone else is missing out in their lives! Yes, that's right! You're MY trust-buddy! No one else's! We've always been busy bees *winks*, but you've always taken the time to make sure that i was doing okay, no matter what you were doing. Your tireless love and concern has encouraged me to be a better friend to you and to everyone else. Thank you so much for opening up to me and for letting me do the same.

To Joash Chan: It's always been the little, sincere gestures that you've done for me that leave the major imprints. Thanks for the friendly banter, the humor!!, the rad videos, the LISTENING ear, your patience, your quietness, your brotherly advice, your uncensored thoughts, your timely hugs and that classic first edition - box of Pictionary!!! (the darned thing is becoming more popular than "Transformers"!) *folds arms and dwells on jealous thought for a moment* It's strange but from the time we started talking online, i sort of knew you were a keeper. Your honest-speak, transparency and creativity has been nothing short of inspiring. You've helped me resolve to pursue my God-given dreams without relent. And that I will always cherish.

I'd lost a very good friend this year, only to realize that i've gained four more amazing friendships! Why do this? This is simply to serve as a reminder, that God is constantly at work in my life and he has never wanted to leave me high and dry. What I lost, I've gained four-fold, so far. So with my Dream-giver's help, i am consciously pulling myself out of the self-resentment that i've suddenly found myself in. I've been here before. Not too long ago, actually. I recognize the chalk marks on the wall.

The foetus mode - phases of zero self-esteem,

The building up of walls around my heart - making it impossible to trust,

The unproven frustrations - being angry at nothing at all,

The lethargy - being quick and willing to quit,

The melancholy moods and delusions - wrong assumptions and thoughts that destroy my self confidence.

And to be strictly honest, I'm scared to go back there again. So help me God, to focus on things that matter. Help me rid myself of my childishness and self-centredness. This life is not to be wasted on tantrums, this life is not about me. It's about living a life that reflects the glory of our One and Only. Nevertheless, with my borrowed breath, i am evermore grateful for these lives that have impacted mine in ways they themselves will never be able to imagine.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. It's just the beginning.

The Magic Faraway Tree Repost

If there are anymore of you who are still interested in reviewing my latest composition "Far Away", the demo track (or severely deformed recording due to lack of editing skills and software) is available here. I would appreciate as much feedback as i can get! I do have a small threshold for pain but i promised myself to take all criticism. It'll help me improve...and mayhaps even develop a bigger threshold for pain.

But try and be nice.

Pweedhee Pwease? *chuckles*

If you missed the link, here's where to go: http://herbrokenwings.blogspot.com/ Have a listen and let me know!

By the way, this is a scanned page right off my journal!
I found the little things i drew so adorable. Hope you like them too!
(if you're gonna re-post this picture elsewhere, all i ask is that you give me credit for it. Else I'll sue the night-lights off your rear-end. Gotta keep up with the trend, no? Thanks!)

Click to enlarge!

Fire Up Experience - Part One

"Savior"

Before leaving my house Friday Morning.

Waiting to move.

You could almost feel the excitement brewing!

"He can move the mountains"

Outside my house gates.

Just me and some of the girls that came along.

Adorable Darlings.

"My God is Mighty to Save"

Morning Devotion Saturday Morning.

Recap on Ps Michael Rowan's Night Message. "Quest for Holiness"

Quick study on obedience.

"He is Mighty to Save"

Group Discussion. Presentation.

And I'm wearing purple pants.

Woo Hoo! *goes loony*

"Forever"

After Devotion.

Before heading out for breakfast.

Just lounging around.

"Author of Salvation"

The poor drumset looked lonely.

So we did what other concerned passers-by naturally did.

We posed and took pictures!

"He rose and conquered the grave"

Accomodation: Campus Town!

A GINORMOUS thank you to the folks at GT!!

And to Sunita Philips for helping us secure the rooms.

"Jesus Conquered the grave"

After Breakfast: Futsal!

Special thanks to Lemuel and Joash for inspiring the idea and for being so patient.

The KL team thrashed our team 20 - 8, i heard. *chuckles* I didn't stay to watch it because...

I wanted to play PICTIONARY!!

Taught the girls the basics, and then we began. We had a blast!

Special thanks to Joash for bringing the box of fun. *smiles*

"Fire Fall Down
Fire Fall Down"

The night worship sessions were dynamic.
A lot of energy and skills.
One could easily be taken up by the music.

Nevertheless, because we expected
and anticipated an awesome move of God,
we met him then.
True worship has nothing to do with music.
and everything to do with heart.

What beautiful encounters we've all experienced.
I can't even begin to describe what the conference meant to me.
How it impacted me and the way i thought things should be.

"Fall down on me..."

Lord, i will ever more be amazed by you.
And to you, goodbye.

Pictures' Source:
Our New Shekinah Youth Inferno Webpage! (more pictures to come!!)

Here it comes, here it comes now!

A Beautiful Collision - David Crowder Band

Awesome Song and Soundtrack of the Day!

Kuala Lumpur...,

Petaling Jaya...,


Segambut, Selayang, Kepong.....,

Here we come!

"Here it comes, a beautiful collision
It's happening now
There seems no end to where you begin and
There I am now
You and I, Collide

Here it comes, Here it comes,
Here it comes now...."

Picture Sources:
http://www.skyscrapercity.com/showthread.php?t=436816
http://perpettualy15.wordpress.com/
http://www.solarnavigator.net/geography/malaysia.htm

Fire Up!

Click here for more information!

Fire is the ultimate litmus test. When thrown in, we finally recognize what we are truly made of. We can be either one of two options:

a) Hay/Wood/Stubble

b) Gold/Precious Stones

Fire here may represent trials, tribulations and circumstances. Sometimes it's divinely brought upon you, but most of the time you bring it upon yourself. Either way, you learn and grow from the aftermath. (Or...you crash and burn.)

I've found that when i'm stuck in a rut, i usually try to work it out by myself - in my way, my terms, my strength. It's definitely good to be resourceful and strong in times like these, but you just have to know when to throw in the towel and rely on someone better or greater than you. You just can't help it if you're on the losing team. Being human is being weak.

In the words of a preschool animated series' jingle, the "Higglytown Heroes",

"Someone special, who could it be?

This job is too big for you and me,

We need some help,

But never fear-o

It looks like a job

For a Higglytown Hero!"

In most cases, I've just chosen to attempt solving everything on my own. Even when it became too big for me. I chose to endure the pain of it all, instead of just letting go of the helm and letting "a Higglytown Hero" help me out.

We're coming down to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow to attend the Fire Up Conference with Michael Rowan and I was talking to Lemuel earlier today about a particular football game we were g0ing to hold Saturday morning for the guys, whilst the girls played Pictionary. Kuala Lumpur vs Taiping. I told him that it might not be a very balanced football match as the Taiping team, in comparison to theirs, might not be so polished in their game. Then, he responded something similar to this line:

"Okay, we'll play that way first. And if they truly suck, we'll swap players."

That made me think a little. When we're losing in a team game or sport, sometimes the only way for you to win, or balance up the game at the very least, would be to "defect", or rather switch to the winning team.

This is not unlike "Osmosis".

Osmosis happens when there are two solutions with different concentrations, in a same container separated by a semi permeable membrane (a sort of skin that allows molecules to pass through). The less concentrated of the two is referred to as the hypotonic solution and its other extreme, the hypertonic solution. Simply put, in order to achieve equilibrium (balance), molecules from each solution passes through the membrane and balances the whole deal out. The solution then becomes isotonic (similar concentration with solution on the other side of the membrane).

Simple phoebeology. But I sidetrack.

God's side is always the winning side. Defecting to God's team isn't such a bad thing. Sure, it's admitting you're weak. But it's also a point of realization -

that God is so much stronger,

and that we are in great need of him.

At least,

I know I personally need him that much anyway.

I hope my bringing the youth group down this weekend will reignite passion, commitment, wisdom and dedication towards fulfilling their God-purpose. I hope the word will speak to their hearts and cause them to rise up for his glory. i hope many things, actually.

So yeah, I'm really excited. 'Cause it's seriously time to turn the radars to what really matters.

Like God.

Picture Sources:

http://www.youthalivemsia.org

http://www.abc1uk.co.uk/shows/higglytownheroes/index.php

http://www.okc.cc.ok.us/biologylabs/Documents/Cells%20Membranes/Osmosis_Definition.htm

The Magic Faraway Tree

You remember that book? I'll have to say "The Magic Faraway Tree" was one of my favorite trilogies when i was 8 or 9. Enid Blyton is terribly brilliant with children's stories, don't you agree?

*haha* I was just stalling. This has nothing to do with the book. (Though perhaps somewhere in the future, i could do a quick review about it. I loved it that much!) ANYWAY, returning to matters at hand.

Just to announce that my composition "Far Away", has officially been uploaded.

Here are the usual disclaimers:
This is just a demo and therefore has not been editted much and also the recordings aren't very clean. Give it a listen and i'm open to feedback. Bear in mind though, that i have a low threshhold for pain, so do be kind, my little dears.

*chuckles*

Click here to listen.

Sooner or Later

You know something?
I knew.
I saw it coming. I saw myself in it. I saw it all.

I knew it was going to happen.
Sooner or Later.

I knew it was inevitable.
unavoidable.
But God, i didn't know it would be so soon.

I'm too tired to sleep.
Too tired to breathe.

But with the little strength i have left today, I must remind myself
That I still believe
ALL things work together for good, for those who love him.
"Oh, God i believe! Please help me believe."
(A Line from "Sooner or Later")

This song by Switchfoot became my soundtrack for the day for obvious reasons.

Artist: Switchfoot

Sooner Or Later

Come back and haunt me

Follow me home

Give me a motive

Swallow me whole

They say I've lost it

What could I know

When I'm but a mockery

I'm so alone

Sooner or later

you'll find out

There's a hole in the wall

Today is ours

Condemned to be free

Free to keep breathing

Free to believe

I look to find You

Down on my knees

Oh God, I believe!

Please help me believe

Sooner or later

they'll find out

There's a hole in the wall

Sooner or later

you'll find out

That you'll dream to be that small

I'm a believer, help me believe

I gave it all away

and I lost who I am

I threw it all away

With everything to gain

And I'm taking the leap

With dreams of shrinking

Yeah, dreams of shrinking

This video had never felt more real to me than today.
Sink or swim.

I sunk.


Signed in tears.