Here again. Storm of thoughts.

Here I am a month later. And the permit has been delayed again. Setback after setback.

I have been walking a lot lately. Just to clear my head. Just to refocus. I think God knows I need this lesson in patience. Furrowed brows, nervous heart, quivering lip -- as I try to figure all of this out. And God says to trust Him.

I really need to quit these voices in my head. How do you silence the enemy? Or will it just continue to rage in you throughout this season of setbacks and doubt? I know in my heart that God will come through for me. He has given me that peace.

So why do I feel despondent? I want to depend on you, Lord. All these hopes and dreams - is it all vanity? Is this from you? If this is not it, show me, tell me.

I'm listening. Life is too short, I've lost so much time already. If you say go, I will go.

Only So Much.

There's only so much that I can say, before I begin exploding (if not imploding) about how crazy and amazing you are to me. These past few weeks have been literally torturous for my impatience - but a challenge for my morale, spirit and esteem. Just trying to figure out if you want me here in beautiful Bemidji, or to pack up and ship out. This is forcing me to really grow dependent on you and your counterparts here on earth. 

I'm listening for you. Speak to me. 

I refuse to raise my hopes for this job, but there is hope nonetheless. I'm praying that this thing gets through but is this what you want? I doubt you're pressed to help me figure out something so trivial -- but I'm asking you anyway. There's just been way too much leeway and I've slipped between the cracks one too many times. I need you to go ahead of me this time. I will not go if you don't. 

I feel frustrated.

Maybe because I've been here before. You'd think that one could graduate from these things. *laughs* I recognize this time of doubt. I recognize these thoughts. These questions. These distractions.

And then I recognize your love. Your provision. Your patience. I recognize your peace.

Yet I speak like an insolent little child. Demanding the rights of a prodigal -- which is what, really? And for what purpose? So I can squander it on the shallows of life? My God, my God, why have I forsaken you again? Am I so fickle a creature that I am so prone to abandoning my creator? 

You hold all things together -- even the very fibers that make up my being. You know the plans you have for me. In that, I will be content. In that, I will rejoice in my uncertainty. I will remember your gift of hope for my mortality. I will remember the gift of eternity for humanity.

I will remember You.

What can I say without imploding (or exploding) about how lovely, and how all-knowing you are? Only so much.

On days when nothing is right.

My present state of consciousness is a little fox being chased down by a pack of violent memory-hounds, fiercely barking up the time-tree from which I've sought my interim refuge. They are loud. Overwhelmed by the chaos in my head, I fall off and into an ocean of tears below. A deep blue that spews waves, haunting with thunderous voices so loud you don't know it's there. They are eventually ceased, crashing on the shore of this reality I have become grossly accustomed to. Must there be so much of you, Ignorance? Is there nothing more beautiful than you, that I should choose you above another?


How real is my mortality. How real is eternity. How real is my Lord.

Hello Favorite

A tribute to the strongest family of faith I know. The Ludwinskis. Love you guys!

In honor and loving memory of my dearest and closest friend and brother, Erik Ludwinski, who wholly glorified his God with his body, in his faith, and through his character. He had battled Neuroblastoma three times in his life. With Jesus by his side, he made his final triumph and returned home to be with the Lord, February 9, 2010.

"This evening (Feb 9th) at 9:35 pm Erik went to be with the Lord. And we are so happy to know now that he is not in any pain, and he is walking, and breathing the sweet air of heaven. ~Lesa”

Erik Paul Ludwinski

February 9, 2010 - ∞

This video is his story in his own art, music, photographs and words.

For Erik's remarkable full story: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/erikludwinski

History of the Nickname "Favorite":

My facebook is overcrowded and there were more than one Erik/Eric to scroll through in my friend list. Erik loved to prank me whenever i left my laptop by him and my facebook account was open. He would always change my profile status to the most ridiculous of things. (He has also done this to many of his other close friends too. i.e. Tab Sze). So when he found out that he wasn't the only Erik on my list, he playfully pouted and asked, "Heeyyy, exactly how many Eriks do you know?" To which i replied, "Now, now. Stop sulking. You are definitely my favoritest of Eriks." Started calling him that, and soon after shortened it to "Favorite".

Miss you, favorite.

- Phoebe

Marrow.Org

Hey, this is Phoebe. Share your spit and consider becoming a marrow donor, yes?