Only So Much.

There's only so much that I can say, before I begin exploding (if not imploding) about how crazy and amazing you are to me. These past few weeks have been literally torturous for my impatience - but a challenge for my morale, spirit and esteem. Just trying to figure out if you want me here in beautiful Bemidji, or to pack up and ship out. This is forcing me to really grow dependent on you and your counterparts here on earth. 

I'm listening for you. Speak to me. 

I refuse to raise my hopes for this job, but there is hope nonetheless. I'm praying that this thing gets through but is this what you want? I doubt you're pressed to help me figure out something so trivial -- but I'm asking you anyway. There's just been way too much leeway and I've slipped between the cracks one too many times. I need you to go ahead of me this time. I will not go if you don't. 

I feel frustrated.

Maybe because I've been here before. You'd think that one could graduate from these things. *laughs* I recognize this time of doubt. I recognize these thoughts. These questions. These distractions.

And then I recognize your love. Your provision. Your patience. I recognize your peace.

Yet I speak like an insolent little child. Demanding the rights of a prodigal -- which is what, really? And for what purpose? So I can squander it on the shallows of life? My God, my God, why have I forsaken you again? Am I so fickle a creature that I am so prone to abandoning my creator? 

You hold all things together -- even the very fibers that make up my being. You know the plans you have for me. In that, I will be content. In that, I will rejoice in my uncertainty. I will remember your gift of hope for my mortality. I will remember the gift of eternity for humanity.

I will remember You.

What can I say without imploding (or exploding) about how lovely, and how all-knowing you are? Only so much.

Hello Favorite

A tribute to the strongest family of faith I know. The Ludwinskis. Love you guys!

In honor and loving memory of my dearest and closest friend and brother, Erik Ludwinski, who wholly glorified his God with his body, in his faith, and through his character. He had battled Neuroblastoma three times in his life. With Jesus by his side, he made his final triumph and returned home to be with the Lord, February 9, 2010.

"This evening (Feb 9th) at 9:35 pm Erik went to be with the Lord. And we are so happy to know now that he is not in any pain, and he is walking, and breathing the sweet air of heaven. ~Lesa”

Erik Paul Ludwinski

February 9, 2010 - ∞

This video is his story in his own art, music, photographs and words.

For Erik's remarkable full story: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/erikludwinski

History of the Nickname "Favorite":

My facebook is overcrowded and there were more than one Erik/Eric to scroll through in my friend list. Erik loved to prank me whenever i left my laptop by him and my facebook account was open. He would always change my profile status to the most ridiculous of things. (He has also done this to many of his other close friends too. i.e. Tab Sze). So when he found out that he wasn't the only Erik on my list, he playfully pouted and asked, "Heeyyy, exactly how many Eriks do you know?" To which i replied, "Now, now. Stop sulking. You are definitely my favoritest of Eriks." Started calling him that, and soon after shortened it to "Favorite".

Miss you, favorite.

- Phoebe

Marrow.Org

Hey, this is Phoebe. Share your spit and consider becoming a marrow donor, yes?

Final Photography Project

My Photo Essay!

Final Project for Photography 2009.

The Alien Autistic

This is my latest assignment guys!





I am not happy with the text graphics during the poetry slam, but i totally lost hours of work when the software crashed on me. I was running out of time, so i decided to just do a mess of sample fonts/styles.

My professor just told me to keep working on it so that i can submit it for Fall's fargo's film fest. But he needs to check on competition rules and formats before we move ahead with this extracurricular project!

P/s i won another small scholarship. The first was from a Roy Blackwood. and now, i won something from Sullivan. I hope to hear from Milowski soon. Thanks Hero, for helping me find favor with the people behind the considerations.

Light of Day

I guess, I wrote a new song. =)

"Light of Day"
(by Phoebe Lee Mathius)

She conjured up a world
Where she could hide
With arching trees stretched over lakes
Watched by purple skies

Poor innocent girl
How will your story unfurl
Poor innocent girl
How they shatter your world...

Chorus:
In the midst of fools
there's a trickle of reason
for every season
in the eyes of one
So beautiful
But we claim not to see
Nod our heads to agree
while a dream never sees the light of day

Tag:
Poor innocent girl, we say.

I conjured up a world
One so ideal
Where there's no hatred
and there's nothing to conceal

But it's all in my head
It's all in my...(chorus)

Tag 2:
It's all in our heads, we say

Bridge:
After everything we've lived through
You'd think we would understand.
After every wrong suffered
You'd think we would have a plan...

But we choose not to see
We're content, we're carefree
While a dream never sees the light of day.
But we choose not to see
Nod our heads to agree
While our dreams never see the light of day.

End:
It's all in our heads, we say.

No more dreams today

Where is the light of day?

~~~~~

I have just completed filming for this demo's music video. this is wonderful news for me as it started out pretty behind schedule. hopefully, after the editing is done, it'd turn out better than i can even hope for. Hope with me.

"If God be for us, who can be against us?"

Oh, Phanuel!

My little autistic brother, whom i love so ever, ever MUCH, has found a new craze!

Check it out! It's adorable!



Remember how he loves dinosaurs and animated cartoons? Well, this is perfect for him! Although my younger sister, Parmena, thinks it's annoying. I can see how it can be for us "grown-ups". Or rather, should we call ourselves "growING-ups"?

Can we ever fully achieve maturity? I say, no.

Love you, Phanuel. You'll be one of the greats someday, leaving behind an amazing legacy for the world to exemplify!

Are you not Mine?

These dreams I'm having
Are not mine
These doubts that control
Do not belong
This joy I’ve found
Is not for keeping
This love I've stumbled upon
Cannot be owned.

I cannot hold you
Even though I want to
I cannot hide you away
I am in deep greed of your attentions
That sometimes I think
if the rest of the world should fall away
that'd be okay.

Gah, the tribulations of
my human soul.
my Human, flawed...
self-absorbed soul.
Why do I keep you
I know why i want you
but why do i hold you
clenched in a fist
strangling what you can do
with me.

gah.
gah.
GAH.

Wow.

We've been on an evangelism streak as of late. We studied dichotomies, and reinvented and reimagined the way we saw evangelism.

Yesterday, our friend Nick, found Jesus.

Backgrounding: I am with the worship team. Kristen is excited about Nick's decision, runs up to me and tells me about it. I get stoked too.

I go up to him and gave him a hug. I'm so happy for you, I say. Happy (spiritual) birthday.

I was, undoubtedly excited.

You know, he says to me, you helped me make that finally decision to follow Jesus.

And i just stand there. gaping.

He continues. Just standing during worship, watching the team, watching you worship, with all your hearts and just smiling and taking it all in, while playing your instruments..., - he said almost distractedly - made me want it too.

Tears well in my eyes.

Oh My God. Oh My God. Oh My God. Not to us. But to your name. be the glory.

Can you hear it? The angels rejoicing?

Article One : Follow Up

And here they are!!

A bunch of Article One pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Simply click here!

Or copy and paste this into your address bar on your web browser!
http://usemath.multiply.com/photos/album/60/Article_One_Concert

Article One

Earlier this semester, I went to an Article One concert.... Well, to be honest, they were just Opening Acts for Superchick ~ But they were, the best band playing that night!!!!!

(They're Canadians by the way.)

I have the photos all stashed in my friend's album, forgive me for not updating blogdom about it... but i just found a video of the electric violin solo... of the exact concert I attended....

Notice, how he plays so hard, the strings on his bow breaks and then he flips the violin to his back and starts playing behind his back!!!

Crazy awesome. 'Nough said.

Enjoy. Pictures to follow!

A Heart's Capacity : Phillip Napieralski

Another video assignment of mine. 3 minuter, this time. In this video, I'm interviewing music prodigy ;) Phillip Napieralski (a.k.a. Phil or even Philbo Baggins) who plays crazy crazy piano! check out his youtube channel to see what i mean! www.youtube.com/phasebeta

It will be time well spent, guaranteed. At basic, this is Phil's music journey and how he grew from it.

This is his heart's capacity.

Video Assignments!

Hey here's my latest assignment, completed!

This video is basically my one minute feature story (an interview, really) of Timothy James Larson (whom i sometimes call Teej) who is an awesome TV Producer/Director for Lakeland Public Television.

I apologize for audio and image quality... it had to be compressed when uploaded! your feedback is appreciated.

Life and Times of Tim the TV Producer/Director

I have to learn to pan the camera better. Next time, i'll just use a tripod.

August 10th Approaches!

Tomorrow's the Day!

Our New Wave Worship Live Concert is Tomorrow Morning and I can't wait!

We've got several virtuosos, guest musicians if you will, coming down from Butterworth, Penang and Petaling Jaya, Selangor -- to help amp up the celebration!

Taking this opportunity to thank everyone for agreeing to do this with us:

-The Leo brothers, and close companions of Phinny, David and Desmond. They will be supporting us in the venerable guitarist and vocalist positions.
-The Goh siblings from UK/Butterworth. They will be presenting a short musical, as well as supporting us in the much needed violinist, syntherseizerist, and guitarist positions.
-Kevin Alphans from Taiping/Butterworth. He'll be our accoustic guitarist.
-The rest of the Taiping team. It is an honor to be serving alongside you guys!

Tonight there'll be a HUGE get together with all the musicians, and it is going to be SICK! (in every sense of the word!) Praying that we will gel as best we can come the end of the session. Covet your prayers as we step into this - that we will go forward fully knowing that this is all for our One and Only.

"Not to us, But to Your Name be the Glory."

But before the huge practice we're all gonna go fatten ourselves with unhealthy food, walk around lake gardens and the zoo, have tea by the park, talk ourselves to death - then head off to church to strain our voices and blister our fingers!

Glad everything's coming together nicely. Just like my 3m x 2m backdrop piece! Things are looking GREAT!

From Vincent

The SleepOver Aftermath.

Thanks Vincent.
You're the coolest 21 year old I know.

Yet I Love.

It’s been a good few months since I entered this after-life. It was probably for the best, leaving that world for the next. I’ll probably be saying the same thing when I leave for my subsequent world next year, I expect. No argument there. But there’s so much missing still.

Human beings are so frail.

I am. You are.

As fickle as touch-me-nots at the side of the road. As permanent as the Christmas décor put up each year. We change and expect the world to change with us. I change and expect you to understand. You change and expect me to take that transit flight with you.

Change and Expectations. Is this what life is all about?

If it was, then would it be fair for anyone to say, that they’re tired of change? This perspective may be a little out of proportion. But this is one truth. I’m tired of waking up from my dreams. I’m tired of finding out that the happiness I’d felt had only meant to be an interim intermission between the then and now. I’m tired of the accumulating bags of hindsight and tears slung over my shoulder; I’m tired of waving off my deepest regrets and saying, “It was probably for the best.” I’m tired of trading in my innocence for the pointless wisdom of the world. (Bah, wisdom? Balderdash!)

Surely; Surely, there must be something more true. More divine. (Like… God.) More permanent. (Like joy.) More ...right. (Like integrity.) Why must I settle for second best? Why must I chase short-termed happiness? Why must my heart die a thousand deaths before I discover this? Why must I reach a point of desperation before I finally understand why?

I suppose there’s my solution right there. In order to touch him, I must be compelled into a position of sacrifice, of giving. I asked for this. I remember.

“Teach me to love the way you do.” I asked him that.

Clearly, I didn’t know what I was asking for.

He was betrayed, yet he loved. He was turned against, yet he loved. He was gossiped about, yet he loved. He was harmed, yet he loved. He was broken, yet he loved.

Can I ever truly get this?

I was betrayed, yet I ___________.
I was gossiped about, yet I ____________.
I was deceived, yet I _____________.
I was harmed, yet I _____________.
I was broken, yet I _____________.

Maybe discovering LOVE is what life’s all about. If it is, then it’s time I got to the point where:

I was ______________, yet I love.

Yet I LOVE.

Progress

It's been a heavy week for me. Chemistry and Physics MidTerms, church responsibilities, a good friend's engagement, a weekend sleepover, a good friend's house-shifting, assignments, and a proposal for an event-managing competition that eventually didn't work out (much to my disappointment).

but in the words of Tabitha Ong, "Nyahh, you don't need them anyway!"

*chuckles*

At the engagement of my friend, i bumped into a producer cum studio owner whom i'd previously met sometime ago. We talked music to pass the waiting time - and then he told me he'd heard a recording of me and my buddies. It wasn't a very professional recording; it was something me and my buddies had done for fun, as a tribute to our common passion for music-making. He spoke of the potential he could grasp as he heard the recording and i immediately took the cue. i asked him for his advice in helping me develop my sound.

yeah, i was fishing, blindfolded. But you can never tell what you can dish out.

To my surprise, he agreed. He shared about how his studio will be moving to SS13, and around INTI college subang jaya too (ss15)! And how he'd love to help get me guest musicians to help me make a professional demo, since i was serious in pursuing a career in music. Side-career, at the very least. :)

So that was Saturday.

Today, I was chatting on Windows Live Messenger and saw a new friend of mine online. He had previously messaged me some enquiries, and i hadn't replied him yet. so i decided to reply him via instant messaging. the beauty of technology! *chuckles* Now, this person happens to be a very good, all-rounded musician. Someway down the conversation, he offered to help me make a demo of "Far Away" my latest song. I threw in another song into the bargain, as i knew my song would be in good hands. "My Corner of the Sky" has a wicked riff that i had made up and i'd definitely needed all the help i can get.

Joash was online as well and randomly suggested we record a couple of songs over the upcoming school holidays with the youth of FCC. I was all up for it. The more projects the better, I say!

And just as simply as one can get into a conversation, my music ventures has begun to look far more promising than i'd ever expected in such a short span of time! Truly God knows the desires of one's heart, and just loves to surprise!

I AM PSYCHED!!

I loved my surprise gift, Lord. You are so amazing. Loving you more and more each passing day.

Hot Chocolate (or The Kid at Christmas)

I bite into a sugar cracker and gently stir my little mug of thick, hot chocolate. I can hear tiny clinks of my teaspoon's ocassional meet with the ceramic-wall, on the inside.

Clink.

"Phoebe, don't dream! Hang the angel already!" I heard my elder sibling say. My 5-year-old stubby little fingers stopped playing with the little bell around the pretty angel's neck and began peering between the leaves for a place suitable to display it. That angel, I remembered, was my single, most favorite ornament then. After hanging the angel, I turned back to our little box of glittery decorations to pick another piece to hang on our Christmas tree. Something twinkled at the bottom. I reached for it.

Blink.

How the little bits of sugar on my crackers twinkle so. It reminds me so much of Christmas ornaments. My mug of hot chocolate reminded me even more of our favorite time of year. I chew my biscuit quietly in the deafeningly silent night. I bring the mug to my lips and take a long...

Sip.

"Don't take so long with your drink! When it gets cold, it's going to taste horrid!" I heard my mother say. "But I'm waiting for the marshmallow to melt," I heard myself protest, in a voice i'd forgotten and ceased to use for so many years now. How strange I sounded. I saw my mother put her hands on her hips to complete the "Look". Bah, I thought, rolling my eyes. As if that was going to work on me. It was then, that I noticed her hands looked different. They were pale-white and young. Where was the age,... the tan,... the freckles? "Well?" Mother prompted. The tiny heart that pumped in my little chest, began to beat furiously. Why was I so afraid? And as if by reflex, I quickly tipped the heavy cup higher, at a steeper angle. The brimming hot chocolate rushed down my throat, scalding my lips and tongue! My little eyes widened as I placed my cup down in a hurry.

Thud.

I place my little empty mug on my table. It's still warm from the hot drink that was in it. It gives me the best feeling in the world, hot chocolate. I feel sad somewhat that my mug is now void of the drink. It feels so much like my...

Heart.

Check. Mind. Check. Soul. Check. Body. Check. Strength. Check. Great! They're all in place, I thought, as I closed the envelope. Yes. That's my Christmas present to you this year, my friend forever. I'm sorry they're second hand. But they're all I have and ever can afford. I sealed the envelope with a kiss. I know you'll know how to use them. Yes, they are weak, tainted and a little broken. But only just a little. I smile meekly, ashamed of my immature attempt at deception. As if I could ever lie to you. But... you'll take them, won't you? You can make them new....,

Right?

Left? Why are there so many roads? And where do they all lead to? I was looking out into the world through my little left window. "Phoebe? What are you thinking? Are you alright?" I heard a gentle voice ask me. I turned to the driver's seat on my right, smiled sweetly and answered, "Oh, nothing. Yeah, I'm good. Just looking out the window." The voice laughed and said, "All right, we're at my house now. It has wireless internet connection, so you can use your laptop!" There was a certain kindness to the voice that I couldn't comprehend. "Coo~," I remember responding gratefully, still in my stupid grin. I gathered my things, opened my car door and stepped out.

Crunch.

Yum! More sugar crackers. Gosh, I miss Christmas! I distractedly reach out for the teaspoon laying idle in my empty, used heart.

Clink.

I think I need to fill it with more hot chocolate.

Press On, Babe!

Printed on card:

"Phoebe Mathius (American Degree Transfer Program):

Press On, Babe!

Michelle"

You have no idea how much i'd almost wanted to burst into tears then.

Earlier today, I had been feeling quite miserable. I had begun warring with my thoughts since before my 8am Chemistry class and it was beginning to take its toll on me. My courage and self-esteem level was dropping drastically at every argument and i was beginning to feel exhausted from being so brave. Still, my mind was relentless and cruelly persisted in coming up with the most hurtful and provoking of questions and thoughts.

I had brought my Bible to school today as always, and i was so glad to run away by myself after class to read. I knew i could always count on God to hear my distress; to comfort and strengthen me - with merely a whisper. And whisper he did.

Psalm 65:7

"You who still the noise of the seas,

The noise of their waves,

And the tumult of the peoples."

All i could do was just sit in awe and wonder of him. He truly knew. Instantly, i felt his significance in me just seep in again. He reminded me, at the snap of his fingers, of the dreams he gave me, the race i was running, the purpose in my life that had yet to be fulfilled. God was really getting me to refocus on him, the bigger picture. And i was so humbled. He whispered more promises through his word and i have scribbled them down on my journal. I came away from my corner, feeling like God himself had given me the biggest hug in history.

But it didn't end there.

It was then that i received a text message informing me that i had to collect something at the Department of Economics. I was bewildered. I mean, what on earth? I wasn't even an accounting or business student! I knew Michelle was, but not me! I headed to Wisma HELP cautiously, wary of a practical joke. But i needn't have worried. I was given this lovely breakfast package and it had a bloomin' rose! Can you believe it? A ROSE! My first this year! (See picture above.)

Reading the card was like getting struck by lightning. "Press On" were the two words I KNEW God was trying to say to me! My skin tingled, my palms were sweaty and my eyes were very close to flooding. Even as i type this, my single rose stalk rests in a bottle on my sister's office desk. It will serve as a reminder to me for years to come. Thank you so much, Michelle Melissa Foo, for being such an inspiration.

As if that wasn't enough. I receive a call from the lovely Tabitha just before lunch. She called and was just being her bubbly self. We talked about things irrelevant and otherwise *chuckles*, as usual. Surely, she couldn't have known how much i'd needed her kind attention and time, right at that moment? It's crazy how God works, but I am not complaining. He has apt timing! *laughs* Thank you for being my ambassador for encouragement, Tabitha Ong.

Thank you, Lord, My Friend Forever, for being here for me. My heart is yours Always.

Retreat, Soldiers, RETREAT!!

Unfinished and always will be. *smiles*

"O God, let us be
a Generation that seeks
That seeks your face
O God of Jacob"

I'm killing myself for words here.

Don't get me wrong. The PK Retreat in Genting Highlands was nothing short of glorious. But the string of vocabulary I'm coming up with don't seem to quite add up to the imprint the getaway left on me. It's like getting stabbed with a dagger and then weeks later, poking your mamaking-kakis in the side with your finger to let them know how that dagger felt.

If that made any sense.

I have no day to day accounts of the experience (sorry to disappoint), hugely caused by my weak excuse for memory power. But I'm sure you'd be most content with the little i have to offer you. I distinctly remember vacuumed moments in worship, when everybody disappeared. when all i saw was him. I remember moments when i reached out my left arm as high as it could go and felt him grasp my fingers. I remember holding to him tight whilst clutching my heart, hardly able to contain whatever that was bursting out of it.

I met him. But my experience was not exceptional. Many of the like-minded met him too. And i'm just so excited to be a part of this experience; to be part of the group that met him.

"You have turned
my mourning into dancing
You have turned
my sorrow into joy"

I do remember madness on the first night though. I remember running for my life. Yelling a string of inaudibles and admitting to major lack of stamina. Earned a lovely carpet-graze on my right knee.

It looks more revolting now, actually. I have septic slime oozing out of it.

Joash had an opportunity to worship lead, the morning of the third day, but he came up to me the second night and asked if i'd like to. I was quite surprised actually and even asked him if he was sure. The whole thing was quite a challenge as we had a bunch of rookie musicians; but honest to goodness, rookies who were all ready to learn and who did exceptionally well! I couldn't have asked for a better group. Everyone remained in good spirits and we practiced till 1:3o-ish that morning, i believe.

Whilst practicing, I made poor Jewls, Joel and Paul-o play invisible instruments; grabbed Jonan, Phile and Kenrick Kong to sing harmonies, and Mikha was handling the accoustic guitar. I don't think i speak for myself when i say we enjoyed every diminutive minute of practice! It was awesome! There were some folks who came to join us that night, so it became a good night of fellowship too.

I remember asking Joash for advice earlier that night, as i was quite nervous when the musicians told me they weren't familiar with many of the songs i had in mind. He had this calmness about him that really helps soothe the panicking soul. He said, "There's no need to do six songs, no need to conform. Four's good." Asked him for his opinion about some songs that I finally chose and got his nod of approval.

Jonan and Kenrick were a great asset to me as they really helped in terms of smoothening out creases in the technicalities. Chords, timing and backup melodies. They were also just downright great company! There should have been more microphones! One for each! Don't you agree?

All in all, I believe God truly took the helm from us that morning and steered it the way he wanted it to go.

Aside that, I enjoyed the meal times! It became the most exciting part of the day, no doubt for its network-expansion possibilities, but also it was thrilling to meet so many expectant faces. Faces that were eager to meet God, faces that held stories behind them, faces that weren't mere faces - but containers of passion and potential.

I mean, who can fathom the depth of our capacity? Capacity to play PICTIONARY all night long, for instance!

We stayed up till 5 a.m., completing the attempt to end the game. Good times, good times. I doubt i'm very hooked up to pictionary yet though. I'm still a hopeless fanatic of TABOO.

"Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another"

Personally, i treasured the moments i spent with God. I had a lot of things to let go of, and surrendered them to him one by one. At each opportunity i got. Tore it away from my flesh. And it hurt. Madly. but he was there. and i knew i was safe.

PKs sure do rock! Hope to once again be able to gather with such an awesome bunch of people, to participate in such an amazing experience, and to have many more meets with such an indescribable God!

"Amazing Love, I know it's true
'Cause it's my joy to honor you
In all I do, I'll honor you"

(Images courtesy of Shua and Michel)