What He did Today.

He renewed my hope.

That he is all-knowing and shows himself strong.

That circumstances are reversible.

That we are not defeated.

That Phanuel can be free.

Thank you, God.


"AUTISM YESTERDAY" Autism is Reversible from JB Handley.

The Alien Autistic

This is my latest assignment guys!





I am not happy with the text graphics during the poetry slam, but i totally lost hours of work when the software crashed on me. I was running out of time, so i decided to just do a mess of sample fonts/styles.

My professor just told me to keep working on it so that i can submit it for Fall's fargo's film fest. But he needs to check on competition rules and formats before we move ahead with this extracurricular project!

P/s i won another small scholarship. The first was from a Roy Blackwood. and now, i won something from Sullivan. I hope to hear from Milowski soon. Thanks Hero, for helping me find favor with the people behind the considerations.

Oh, Phanuel!

My little autistic brother, whom i love so ever, ever MUCH, has found a new craze!

Check it out! It's adorable!



Remember how he loves dinosaurs and animated cartoons? Well, this is perfect for him! Although my younger sister, Parmena, thinks it's annoying. I can see how it can be for us "grown-ups". Or rather, should we call ourselves "growING-ups"?

Can we ever fully achieve maturity? I say, no.

Love you, Phanuel. You'll be one of the greats someday, leaving behind an amazing legacy for the world to exemplify!

I wish

I wish the plans i'd made, could somehow, sometime come to pass.
I wish the dreams we had could just somehow, someway, last.

I wish i was a little stronger to stand this gaping void.
I wish we were more stronger than just end up numb, like droids.

I wish i was less arrogant, less pumped up in my pride,
I wish i could forget the thorn that's digging in my side.

I wish to catch a movie with two good friends, maybe three,
I wish to laugh and smile and talk; please say you will agree?

I wish to be all i can be, succeed in all i can,
I wish that they will hold me in high regard by then.

I wish my corner of the sky was a little more than dim,
I wish i could let my life revolve a lot more around him.

I wish to be a writer someday, though i may suck now,
I wish to keep practicing till i master the know-how.

I wish to be a singer, songwriter, and reliable band member,
I wish to be able to pass on messages, all can remember.

I wish to keep on praying, hoping for the best for you,
I wish i could get over the fact that roses can be blue.

I wish to know how tears can stop, how sadness can dissolve,
I wish to know how hearts can mend, how problems can be solved.

I wish i'd known, i wish i'd known, how it all would end,
I wish to never regret the day i let you hold my hand.

I wish all the plans you've made will have their chance at human-reality,
I wish to see you do your work, show the world your amazing ability!

I wish and wish and wish all night, in hope it'd all come true,
I wish to be all perfect, the day, the hour i see you.

-Phoebe Lee Matthews, completed at 22:46
(I drew that picture up there using my little brother's cheap crayons one night, and found the simple doodle quite intriguing. I could just finish the "I wish" sentence anyway i wanted! And so that inspired me to write this spontaneous piece. Hope you find it just as intriguing. Write your own and share with me sometime!)

Mercury Rising

I watched this movie just recently (two months ago, i think) on cable TV. It's a 1998 thriller feature film, one that came about when i was twelve years old. I'd never heard of it before till this year. Ever since, I've always wanted to highlight this movie on my blog for reasons i will soon uncover, but hadn't remembered to. But now i do, and so here it is.

This is not going to be a typical movie review as i've never really been good at being an objective critic about things. In fact, this might even seem lop-sided to you. Nevertheless, cutting to the chase, I was personally very inspired by "Mercury Rising". It took quite a hefty helping of negative criticisms I've heard, but this is me. I liked the movie. Big Woof.

What inspired me was the plot, really. (Based on Ryne Douglas Pearson's 1996 novel; originally published as Simple Simon.)

(According to Wikipedia) A code called Mercury was created by The National Security Agency so complex that its creators believe no computer on earth can decipher it. Originally created during the Reagan Administration as a test to keep the United States' highest priority secrets under wraps, their assumption is realized to be false when they receive a message from an autistic savant boy named Simon (Miko Hughes) who calls the telephone number found within the code, which was secretly published in a puzzle magazine by two of the creators to see if anyone could break it. Colonel Kudrow (Alec Baldwin) seeks to silence Simon. Kudrow sends a hit man to murder Simon and his family.

After killing the boy's parents, the assassin searches the house, fails to find Simon, and leaves at the sound of approaching sirens. Art Jeffries (Bruce Willis) is an undercover FBI agent who protects Simon. He finds Simon hiding in a cache of his bedroom closet and takes the boy under his wing. Jeffries begins to realize the difficulty of protecting, let alone questioning Simon, because of his impaired social abilities as a result of his autism. The situation is further complicated by the fact that nobody at the FBI believes Simon is in any danger. Meanwhile, Colonel Kudrow, upset by disagreement over how to handle the case, murders one of his employees. The murdered employee's friend turns to Jeffries for help, and together they set a trap in which Kudrow is killed. The film ends with Simon being adopted by a new family.

Can you now guess why it impressed me that much? That's right. The protagonist was a brilliant autistic boy. He did the impossible by deciphering a code, and kept himself the safest way he knew how. He had his address memorized. He remembered and distinguished strangers from friends. He cracked puzzles like they were simple arithmetic.

That's where Phanuel is going.
(Who's Phanuel? Click here.)

No, he doesn't have to be deciphering codes (or anything along those lines) to be going down that direction. If he does, that would be so coo. But more significantly, I want Phanuel to be able to live life in full capacity, utilize his full potential, dream big dreams, and set out to achieve them. His life is going to make a difference. Somehow. 'Cause that's how the Lord intended it to be.

Reality is a little bit more harsh. People make hasty judgements. Their pessimism gets to us more often than not, and we can't help but wonder "what if" and "how". Nevertheless, it is in these times that I am reminded of the time when Phanuel was far worse than he is today.

He could hardly maintain eye contact, couldn't respond to his name, didn't understand the purpose of "the potty", hardly uttered a word, spins around without stopping (even when he felt sick), etc.

As of today, he reads, he does simple arithmetic, he creates powerpoint presentations, surfs his favorite websites, watches videos, tells us what he wants verbally (he started out pointing at things first), he sings and composes his own songs, and expresses himself well. He hasn't quite arrived yet, but look how far he has come! We could hardly have imagined him achieving so much within the span of seven to eight years. And there's so much more in him!

I'm excited to know what God has in store for him. We just can't give up on him now, you know? Every moment is vital. Every lesson may be a stepping stone to the greatness he will become. And i anticipate his arrival with bated breath.

Hope with me. Pray with me.

(Plot and Low Resolution Poster grabbed from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercury_Rising)

Oh, Phanuel!

*chuckles*

Can you keep a secret?
I think Phanuel just told me his first lie. *laughs*
(Who is Phanuel? Read: More Than Meets The Eye)

He was holding a piece of steel (probably from a broken clothes-hanger) and was playing around with it. He was playing the percussionist - hitting it on his wooden bedframe in a catchy beat.

If i hadn't mentioned about his passion for music before, i'd best do it now. *haha* Phanuel has a very good ear for music. I'm almost sorry that he's autistic, as i would send him for music classes - without missing a beat! (pardon the pun) He could seriously excel in things like this. *smiles*

Now, back to the topic. He was playing with the piece of steel and i heard his drummings. I entered the bedroom to see what he was up to. When i first saw what he was doing, I was a bit worried. The steel piece he was playing with had looked very sharp, rusty and dangerous.

Me: Phanuel! *exclaims in put-on American slang* What are you doing?
(The Phoebe Commentary: He only understands you in an american slang. He hasn't been exposed to any form of bahasa as he hasn't been to public school, see?)

Phanuel: I... I... *thinks to construct his sentence* I never DO anything!
(The Phoebe Commentary:I almost laughed! He had replied me in American slang but in rotten Manglish grammar!)

Me: *smiling in amusement, but keeping stern tone* What do you mean you didn't do anything? What are you holding?
(The Phoebe Commentary: I like asking him questions when he is trying to speak. It's just to provoke him to be more verbal in his expressions; instead of tantrums and gibberish)

Phanuel: I... I... never HOLD anything!
Me: There! You're holding that! *pointing at steel thing in his hands* Where did you take it from?
Phanuel: I... I... *hides the steel thing behind his back* I never TAKE anything!

*chuckles* Now tell me, how do you scold anyody as adorable as that?

More than Meets the Eye

You know the overused saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover"? I've always wondered about it. I've never really judged a book by its cover per se -- it was the titles that always got me.

(You know the world's social handicap is increasing in severity when you see books like that on the shelves! This book's written by the Australian bestselling author, Andrew Matthews, by the way. It's supposed to be good -- don't get me wrong. *chuckles*)

But I shouldn't distract myself.

I was just wondering how so easily one can assume something of the other without really knowing for sure. More often than not, our characters are summed up with one singular action. It seems absurd to you now that a single act could dictate and determine who you were, are and will become. But most of us do it, without really knowing why.

Recently, I read one of my friend's testimonies on a church newsletter. She spoke of her little sister whom, at quick glance, seemed obese and shared of how quickly people tend to judge her based on her size. In true fact, her little sister had gone through a series of health problems that eventually led to her current state. I immediately could relate.

Let me introduce you to one of my heroes.

This is Phanuel.

He's my little brother. And he's autistic.

At first glance, one might think he is an obese, unruly and unsociable boy. He would just be another kid with a mental handicap. But if they'd just try to get to know him better, they'd realize how wonderful he truly is.

Autism is basically a condition where there is a severe lack in neurons/brain cells or an extreme abundance of it. It distorts, or rather, in more correct terms, changes his/her perspective of things. Based on my own observations, here's a theory:

When we see this:

He sees this:

...or perhaps even more.

An autistic child could just get lost or excited with a simple diagram. While it may seem like a dead doodle to our own eyes, but to them, it's probably as exciting as going to the zoo for the first time and gaping down a lion's throat.

We've taught Phanuel to read and it takes so much of his time, patience, and effort to sit still and gather his thoughts to read just one word at a time. There was this one time when I was tutoring Phanuel; I just placed a book in front of him and said, "Read." He stared at the book -- the pictures, the words. But he stayed silent. I nudged him gently and said, "Go on. Read." And i will never forget the incredulous look he gave me when i said that.

It was almost like he was saying: "What in the supermarket did you think I was doing then? Sky-diving?"

Sometimes, he gets so frustated whilst reading that he throws tantrums. But it's only because we have to force him to do something our way. We "normal" human beings tend to get so alarmed when another is not able to respond, act, or communicate the same way we do. And so we teach them our ways, so that they can become us.

What an achievement.

His first word was "Dinosaur"

My little brother started out alright. When he was two, he suffered a horrible bout of fever and then, he never was the same. Can you imagine watching your brother singing and speaking little words, only to go back to silence? He could no longer maintain proper eye contact, and did not respond to his name. It was heartbreaking.

Phanuel had always loved dinosaurs. "Walking with Dinosaurs" was then a famous BBC documentary. Phanuel was seven and had watched every episode just once. And while he still couldn't speak and couldn't relate to the world as we knew it, he typed out and made a whole PowerPoint presentation of what he could remember of the documentary. Yes, PowerPoint. How'd he learn that? From behind my shoulder.

And people fret that they're not like us.

There is really more than meets the eye. There is more to a person than what they do or did, than how they look like. We know this in theory, but yet we're still guilty of premature judgement. I know I am.

I was reading I Samuel 16, the infamous account of how young David was anointed as king.

vs 7: But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or his physical stature, because I have refused Him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Samuel had looked at outward stature but God had not chosen any of David's bigger, and well-built brothers. This is a verse that I'd read many times before. But this time, I had a question. "Why do we, more often than not, assume so much when we know so little?" And then it hit me.

The Lord doesn't see as man sees.

It is very human of us to depend on the physical, because it is unnatural (or rather, supernatural) for us to look past the faults and deficiencies. It is Christ-like to look at the heart. What this means is that without God, it is going to be pretty hard to go against your human nature to steal a peek at someone else's heart. What we need is to see what God sees. What we need is...

A periscope.

Wiki says that a periscope may be used "for seeing over people's heads in a crowd". I thought the concept simple yet profound. Sometimes all we see are people, being in the crowd ourselves - and this limits our view and eventually suffocates thought.

When our thoughts are stunted due to the lack in visual input from God, we settle down and begin to develop our common mindsets from the little that we see. The kind of mindsets that are usually hard to break free from.

That's why we need a GodPeriscope! So, we can see above the crowd. We'll get a bit of the Godview of things. Life would take a different turn for many.

You know, many times i've just sat and watched Phanuel doing his puzzles, watching his favorite cartoon, and whatever else. He would be so focused whilst doing it, and for a brief moment, he seemed okay...normal. And i wonder What IF. What if he was born a normal boy, what potential he'd have, what fun he'd be. My heart would just be overwhelmed with this sudden sadness. But then i realized, he wasn't complaining.

He knew how to express himself. When he was angry, he threw tantrums; when he was sad, he cried; and when he was happy, he'd laugh. He didn't care what others would think of him, how different he would seem.... he was just happy with himself.

And sometimes, I wonder why it takes so much for us to be happy with ourselves. What we should be focusing on would be doing what God intended us to do; delighting in Him, being a joy and loving Him, completing the good stuff He started in us. But we tend to focus on the wrong things most of the time. We choose to see the huge boulder in our pathway, instead of the glorious destination we're heading towards. We pursue selfish priorities, materialistic desires.

It's no wonder the Lord doesn't see as man sees.

"Say God, can i get one of those?" *points at a periscope on a shelf*