Pocket Tissues

I am a child.

2011-03-03T10:52:00.000-06:00

I am such a child.

Honestly, there are days, when i wonder about my constant struggles and wrestlings so much it invades my time with God. i become so bent on praying about my questions and needs -- that it really just stops at being a rant session.

Tangent: Sure, my Abba is a great friend, and would listen to my every heart's whispers -- but he is still Abba. Not my homie.

My point though, being: what did he actually have to say to me that night? I was so busy whining, I didn't listen. I remember reading the 46th Psalm promising, "God is my refuge in times of trouble" and after that asking, "I feel so far away from you,Lord. How long must I wait?" The fact of the matter is, the word says:

Psalm 46

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

God IS my refuge and strength and EVER-present help in trouble. This is no mere suggestion. And if I claim that i believe His Word, and that it is truth, why do I see it as dead statement, and not fact? Why don't I understand God's plan to be my refuge, even when my world gives way?

I am not listening. And i fear this greatly.

I am such a child.

Romans 8

¹² Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.^[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,^[g] Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Figure out the betweens.

Broken, noncongruent thoughts.

2011-02-03T17:44:00.000-06:00

These are raw, unfiltered, incoherent thoughts. Tarry with me and fill the betweens on your own.

I heard the song "The House of God, Forever" in my head today and it prompted me to read the word. Before anything else though, of course, I'd wanted to read Psalm 23 (thanks to the song), as I hadn't for a very long time and felt in my spirit that God had something to say to me.

To those who know me, you may know that I'm in a specific season or even that I'm on a specific mission this month as well. To be reading about God being my shepherd and therefore I would NOT be in want -- since He will lead me to things that I need -- is timely, and a great solace. Recently, I've been hearing about the many challenges that good friends around me are going through, and have been able to see that our God is just working so keenly over and on them. And man, it gives me great assurance that my Father is tinkering on me too. These adjustments, the people I'm meeting, the culture i've been led to -- all of it. God is just all over this. I need to remember.

I was asked again today: Why Bemidji? And that opened the floodgates of memories and the journey I've had to embark on -- the doing of a meticulous God, who has placed me here in this specific timeline of life, surely for a reason. I am being grown, and used. And God is far from done with me, He will in due time. Just not yet. Reeling back though, I really needed to be asked that question, as it reminded me why I'm here. This is part of His plan -- and I have lost sight of it many times. This offering month so far has only served to remind me that I am operating purely by God's grace, through His son Jesus.

The word "restore" in 23 totally grabbed me; what did David mean when he said that God restores my soul?

restore (chayah - hebrew)
English verb

1: return to its original or usable and functioning condition; "restore the forest to its original pristine condition" [syn: reconstruct]
2: return to life; get or give new life or energy; "The week at the spa restored me" [syn: regenerate, rejuvenate]
3: give or bring back; "Restore the stolen painting to its rightful owner" [syn: restitute]
4: restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken; "She repaired her TV set"; "Repair my shoes please" [syn: repair, mend, fix, bushel, doctor, furbish up, touch on] [ant: break]
5: bring back into original existence, use, function, or position; "restore law and order"; "reestablish peace in the region"; "restore the emperor to the throne" [syn: reinstate, reestablish]

Hebrew
to live, have life, remain alive, sustain life, live prosperously, live for ever, be quickened, be alive, be restored to life or health.

Tried looking for an ancient hebrew dictionary, but I couldn't locate one. Either way, God's point has been plainly put across for me. Sometimes, I overlook what I "know" so well (a curse of growing up in the church), and miss what Jesus is truly saying -- across time. He leads us to where we are, for His Name's sake. And here I thought, God would add to my greatness when I follow Him. I judged the disciples when I read about them seeking to sit by the right hand of God, when I am a hypocrite no less. Jesus responded revolutionarily. He knew they didn't understand what they were asking for. And he proceeded to teach what true greatness is about.

At the worship leader's meeting today, I was sharing about how I see myself serving the church. And with great resolve I answered, "a support role to leadership here". It wasn't something I usually would say to describe my ministry. Almost as if the words weren't mine. And something quivered in my spirit when i said that then, but now I understand as I continue to process my broken, non-sequential thoughts. I have always read about the Phoebe in the bible and her role in the church to better understand my purpose here on earth. Paul had commended her to the church, for her ministry and help.

1 I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a servant (or deaconess) of the church in Cenchrea. 2 I ask you to receive her in the Lord in a way worthy of the saints and to give her any help she may need from you, for she has been a great help to many people, including me. (Rom 16:1,2)

What shoes to fill! Such vanity on my part, to think that God placed me here for me! Jesus asked us to deny ourselves, take up the cross and follow Him. Phoebe of Cenchrea was commended by my hero Paul. I am not worthy of such a calling. And yet how merciful our God to promise us that His goodness and love will tailgate us all the days of our short lives regardless, as long as He is our shepherd.

Thanks for walking with me. Soon it will be time to break bread. I need to mark today.

Today I lacked nothing.

Introduction.

2010-08-03T00:05:00.002-05:00

Read my previous post, and realized it didn't make very much sense. But it was a good reminder of where I was at emotionally, and spiritually.

I just got done taking care of the beautiful and the shot - Mahto kids. The parents are unfortunately down with the stomach flu. (Please pray for the Mahtos.) As I decompress, I wanted to be able to put my thoughts on paper - so here it is. I have been really blessed to be here at Irvingboro, it's so much better than being homeless. *laughs* I am also definitely indebted to everyone who has been gracious to me and obedient to the Lord's instruction to bless me. That has kept me fed all these weeks.

Not too long ago, a good friend of mine told me, "Please don't be offended. But I think you're too apologetic and gullible lately." I did not disagree with him, because it was true. Lately, I've felt an increase in social anxiety and I was trying to figure out where it was stemming from. I've made a lot of communication errors on the way -- and have confused people. I guess there's nothing more to say than this: that in trying to figure this awkwardness out, I have not been able to socially function well. And I can only hope for empathy/grace/forgiveness/[insert relevant word] from dear friends who've had to bear with me. (Thanks, Jake.)

Tell me what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior (DC Talk)

It finally dawned on me what this was all about. It started when I shared with people about my situation with my employment card. I was frustrated about : not being able to take care of myself, doubting that this was what God wanted for me, my tons of foolish pride, broken ideals/expectations and the queasiness I was getting from the rapid change in plans, lifestyle, and routine because of it.

I began to feel insecure around people who knew what I was going through, feeling overtly ashamed about my situation of not being able to take care of myself, became apologetic to people with stronger personalities -- not being able to withstand "intimidation" as my confidence was pretty much shot due to my dependency. I also knew I was being irrational emotionally, but it's just one of those things that always seem to wrestle for your attention. (Thanks, Brittany and HuiMin for spiritual discussion about insecurities.)

Realization: I define myself by how much money I have/am getting.

My heart sank as I typed that.

Then begins the over-analytical phase. God, I truly need to learn how to take my imagination/thoughts captive!! What utter rubbish the carnal mind spews. I hate that I'm bound by so many mechanisms that trigger or shut down social functions! I read Romans 12 again today. Do not be conformed, but be transformed -- by the renewing of your mind! The battle against self is the most brutal of all. Paul wasn't kidding when he talked about spiritual warfare and putting on the armor of God (Ephesians 6). (Thanks, DJ for the spiritual counsel on the way to Fargo.)

On top of that, I've been transitioning into adulthood. Sure, I've been an adult by age -- but definitely not in lifestyle. Many of my closest confidantes are gone, moved away or have moved on to a different phase of life. Soon, my college student friends will be caught up with school, and with the new students that will come in (inevitable and expected). Suddenly, the need to build a new guild of like-minded adult friends becomes urgent. Who do I keep accountable to? Or rather, who can I trust to keep accountable to? (Thanks, Rob.) Learning to deal with broken pride and expectations have been the order of the day. I have to remember that this will prove to be invaluable to me in future. I have to keep pushing through this oddness.

Because the conclusion -- or rather, the introduction -- to all of this, (brace yourself for the cliche) is not about me, and it's never going to be about me. This life I have is God's project. The ministries I have had the opportunity to serve and participate in, have never added or taken away from His work. I really need to stop kidding myself that I am at all in control of anything. Because I truly am not. (Thanks, Mike.)

Thanks for bearing with me, dearest of friends. The next time you do get frustrated with me and my awkwardness, please consider my wrestling against my own flesh. The best quote I have heard this week is: "I'm sorry for not being Jesus."

And I say that with all my heart. Thanks for reading.

Brokenness And Jon Foreman.

2010-07-09T02:10:00.003-05:00

"So I'm not sure why it always flows downhill, why broken cisterns never could stay filled." (The Cure For Pain)

It started growing this past Sunday. This heaviness. Didn't... Couldn't point it out. But realized it was especially grieving whenever the theme of brokenness became the subject of conversation. It was House of Prayer's (my church in Bemidji) 7th year anniversary, and we were celebrating God's faithfulness in our worship service. Pastor Mike's message was about what he had learned in these 7 years, and talked about all that had happened in summary, mistakes, hurt, brokenness, events, growth, weakness, faith and God's faithfulness.

"Heavenly Father, you always amaze me. Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life." (Your Love is Strong)

And somehow, I was just really deeply moved at the thought of the brokenness that HOP had been through, and how papa who had come all the way from Malaysia to just chillax with his daughter, but wound up conveying a compelling message about being freed from excessive baggage. The conversations I've had this week with several important people in my life, were about their brokenness, and God redeeming them. This in turn, reminded me of my own deep-seated brokenness and how God redeemed me and has used that for his glory. And then, a friend of mine got to talking about this thing that has been happening for generations, something called: Female Genital Mutilation. Together we talked and read about this heinous tradition that was just killing so many little girls and women in the Middle East. (Thanks, Tab Sze.) I began seeing so many faceless people again. (My mom had a similar vision a very long time ago.)

"Instead let there be a flood of justice. Instead of a show." (Instead of a Show)

My heart just began weighing heavy again by the fact that there's just way more happening out there: injustices, diseases, lawlessness, indifference, etc. Can one person cause change or big enough impact? Not me. DEFINITELY.

But Jesus can. And that is just it. (Phil 4:13)

Recently, I have been wondering what the commotion is all about with my temporary permit. All this waiting. Too much drama for just a card. It was a long time before I realized that there was just something that I was missing. I knew this had to be some kind of preparation, training or other. But what sort, and what for?

Clueless.

All I knew was that I just really wanted to hear from God. (James 1:19 onwards) To do what He wants me to do, go where He wants me to go (but only if He goes out before me, cause I am such a 'fraidy cat, without Him). I am beginning to believe that I was getting too complacent, and had just lost my God-perspective on things. That, or I got distracted (which is VERY LIKELY). Pastor Mike mentioned once in one of his messages: "going to where God is working". What a way to gauge things! I was truly fascinated by that phrase, 'cause I'm looking at it and I definitely doodled it HUGE on my sketch-notebook. *laughs*

Today, I was debating attending this post-mortem type, briefing on the recent missions-medical trip made by a team of 22 to Peru. Two ladies in our church had been a part of that and had wanted to share their experiences to the sisters in church. Just before the meet, I had decided to clear my head with a walk. That's when I felt that I should go to this shindig and I am so glad I did.

It was intense. Just listening to the stories and to the stories of the lives that they had met throughout the trip. Hearing this girl just talk about how she had a different expectation spiritually, about the Peruvian trip and had been wondering about her purpose or role in the trip. It turned out that hers was something that would encourage the team, a seed sown into a seeker and life-jacket to a girl who was trying to figure things out. She was at a stage in her life where it was just stripped of regular scheduled programming. "Now what, Lord?" And its exactly where I was too. (Thanks, Catherine).

As they shared, something in me just clicked. Stirred up. Everything that has happened in the past year suddenly made sense, it was not a coincidence. It was all just leading up to a moment where I would finally get it. (I am definitely not there yet.) This year started out with me just experiencing things that were way beyond my control! Churches being fire-bombed in Malaysia, my parents getting into a road accident, situations with some dear friends, Erik's condition worsening, the intense God-life-death conversations we would have, and his victorious passing. All of that conglomerated, pointed out my mortality. Reminded me that our time here is not permanent, and short. Instilled this urgency. That God was all that mattered. And that people needed to know that.

School crept up on me, and I was engrossed in my academic career for the following two months. Next steps seemed natural. Work, grad school, and perhaps even a relationship that will lead to marriage. (My two best friends got married last month, so that was where that thought came from. Gotta love the psychology of things.) An amazing job offer came more than a month before I graduated! But three setbacks later, I still can't work due to documentation issues. So much for control, and holding things together! *laughs* Like I said before, you'd think one can graduate from these things!

Don't get me wrong though. These next steps I've mentioned are not being cancelled out. Leaving that to God. This is just more about the whole repositioning of my heart. It has been painful. It still is. And I still don't know how all of this is supposed to fit in my future, how everything is supposed to look like. But I truly believe, that it has been His hand in bringing me out of my despondency, my indifference and complacency. Returning to mission mindedness, wherever the mission field is. I have been yearning to be challenged and wanting intense Godly conversation. Well, it is now. Not in the way I expected. It has been through this storm of uncertainty, that God has proven Himself so incredibly REAL and certain. And strong.

"God is my shepherd. I won't be wanting. I won't be wanting." (The House of God, Forever)

Those words have never rung more true to me than tonight. That's all I can think of to say right now about where I'm at.

Here again. Storm of thoughts.

2010-07-03T11:34:00.000-05:00

Here I am a month later. And the permit has been delayed again. Setback after setback.

I have been walking a lot lately. Just to clear my head. Just to refocus. I think God knows I need this lesson in patience. Furrowed brows, nervous heart, quivering lip -- as I try to figure all of this out. And God says to trust Him.

I really need to quit these voices in my head. How do you silence the enemy? Or will it just continue to rage in you throughout this season of setbacks and doubt? I know in my heart that God will come through for me. He has given me that peace.

So why do I feel despondent? I want to depend on you, Lord. All these hopes and dreams - is it all vanity? Is this from you? If this is not it, show me, tell me.

I'm listening. Life is too short, I've lost so much time already. If you say go, I will go.

Only So Much.

2010-06-04T11:20:00.000-05:00

There's only so much that I can say, before I begin exploding (if not imploding) about how crazy and amazing you are to me. These past few weeks have been literally torturous for my impatience - but a challenge for my morale, spirit and esteem. Just trying to figure out if you want me here in beautiful Bemidji, or to pack up and ship out. This is forcing me to really grow dependent on you and your counterparts here on earth.

I'm listening for you. Speak to me.

I refuse to raise my hopes for this job, but there is hope nonetheless. I'm praying that this thing gets through but is this what you want? I doubt you're pressed to help me figure out something so trivial -- but I'm asking you anyway. There's just been way too much leeway and I've slipped between the cracks one too many times. I need you to go ahead of me this time. I will not go if you don't.

I feel frustrated.

Maybe because I've been here before. You'd think that one could graduate from these things. *laughs* I recognize this time of doubt. I recognize these thoughts. These questions. These distractions.

And then I recognize your love. Your provision. Your patience. I recognize your peace.

Yet I speak like an insolent little child. Demanding the rights of a prodigal -- which is what, really? And for what purpose? So I can squander it on the shallows of life? My God, my God, why have I forsaken you again? Am I so fickle a creature that I am so prone to abandoning my creator?

You hold all things together -- even the very fibers that make up my being. You know the plans you have for me. In that, I will be content. In that, I will rejoice in my uncertainty. I will remember your gift of hope for my mortality. I will remember the gift of eternity for humanity.

I will remember You.

What can I say without imploding (or exploding) about how lovely, and how all-knowing you are? Only so much.

On days when nothing is right.

2010-05-16T00:42:00.001-05:00

My present state of consciousness is a little fox being chased down by a pack of violent memory-hounds, fiercely barking up the time-tree from which I've sought my interim refuge. They are loud. Overwhelmed by the chaos in my head, I fall off and into an ocean of tears below. A deep blue that spews waves, haunting with thunderous voices so loud you don't know it's there. They are eventually ceased, crashing on the shore of this reality I have become grossly accustomed to. Must there be so much of you, Ignorance? Is there nothing more beautiful than you, that I should choose you above another?

How real is my mortality. How real is eternity. How real is my Lord.

Hello Favorite

2010-02-23T23:24:00.001-06:00

A tribute to the strongest family of faith I know. The Ludwinskis. Love you guys!

In honor and loving memory of my dearest and closest friend and brother, Erik Ludwinski, who wholly glorified his God with his body, in his faith, and through his character. He had battled Neuroblastoma three times in his life. With Jesus by his side, he made his final triumph and returned home to be with the Lord, February 9, 2010.

"This evening (Feb 9th) at 9:35 pm Erik went to be with the Lord. And we are so happy to know now that he is not in any pain, and he is walking, and breathing the sweet air of heaven. ~Lesa”

Erik Paul Ludwinski

February 9, 2010 - ∞

This video is his story in his own art, music, photographs and words.

For Erik's remarkable full story: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/erikludwinski

History of the Nickname "Favorite":

My facebook is overcrowded and there were more than one Erik/Eric to scroll through in my friend list. Erik loved to prank me whenever i left my laptop by him and my facebook account was open. He would always change my profile status to the most ridiculous of things. (He has also done this to many of his other close friends too. i.e. Tab Sze). So when he found out that he wasn't the only Erik on my list, he playfully pouted and asked, "Heeyyy, exactly how many Eriks do you know?" To which i replied, "Now, now. Stop sulking. You are definitely my favoritest of Eriks." Started calling him that, and soon after shortened it to "Favorite".

Miss you, favorite.

- Phoebe

Marrow.Org

2010-01-22T12:44:00.001-06:00

Hey, this is Phoebe. Share your spit and consider becoming a marrow donor, yes?

What He did Today.

2009-11-06T11:01:00.001-06:00

He renewed my hope.

That he is all-knowing and shows himself strong.

That circumstances are reversible.

That we are not defeated.

That Phanuel can be free.

Thank you, God.

"AUTISM YESTERDAY" Autism is Reversible from JB Handley.

Today.

2009-10-23T13:56:00.005-05:00

I've started writing new songs again. Here's a basic idea of my new composition.

It is.

and it is amazing
and it is impatient
and it is swelling
in its berated excitement
in my chest, no rest, no rest
and then its here
but you never wanted it to come

and you keep wondering where time goes so suddenly
as quickly as it is now, it soon was, then that was then.
Did that just really happen?

More to come.

Bluetree - God of this City

2009-09-28T15:09:00.008-05:00

The true story.

(http://www.givmusic.com/bluetree/)

Cool graphics for fellow nerds.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmC44K0xQLE)

Fall 2009

2009-09-21T18:10:00.002-05:00

Hurrah. It's Autumn again!

If I ever live to see it.

Bon appetit!

2009-09-02T16:57:00.005-05:00

So we had a potluck at my office (International Program Center) on campus last Friday. And everyone was expected to cook something and bring it to share.

I, of course, defaulted to a Malaysian meal and did Tom Yam Fried Rice. (And it was amazing, might i just say. Dusts collar.)

We also opened the potluck up for any person who stepped into the office space. So a Malaysian undergraduate student, Pravin Namby, and an Indian graduate student Sudhir ate my fried rice and had awesome things to say about it. (I wasn't kidding when I said it turned out pretty awesome.) But nothing prepared me for what happened next.

About the same time Namby and Sudhir was in sampling food, in came an African student named, Ben Doso. After eating the tom yam fried rice, he asked if he could google something for me. I offered him my deskspace and watched intently over his shoulder as he typed,

"riz au gras."

... I kept watching as he navigated his cursor to the top of the Google Search Page he was on and clicked on "Images". "There, look," Ben said, pointing to the picture on the screen.

"That's Riz Au Gras," he said, smiling. "Doesn't it look similar to what you cooked?"

Wow, I thought. It really did. So i nodded and asked, "Does it taste anything like it though?"

"Yes, more or less," came the answer.

"So, what you ate just now was more or less french?"

Ben Doso nods, amused.

Meanwhile, within the skull of the Phoebe-Brain, my logic began to kick into gear.

Syllogisms
Premise 1: Tom Yam Fried Rice tastes like a french dish (Riz au Gras).
Premise 2: I can cook Tom Yam Fried Rice.
Conclusion: I can cook a French DISH!!!!

The realization seeped in slow. But it came, just the same. I had thought, the day I mastered the ways of the Shepherd's Pie, that that was probably as far as it got for me when it came to trying out international recipes.

But why work so hard, when homeland cooking resembles that of french cuisine? w00t!

By the by, Riz Au Gras is pronounced:
Riz = Rrhee
Au = Oh
Gras = Grraa

(the "r" sounds like a gurgle at the back of your throat)

I can cook Riz Au Gras. A FRENCH Meal. Hoho!
As Phua Chu Kang says (Character, Singaporean Sitcom), "Don't play-play ah...."

What have you learnt to cook recently? ;)

Thinking of you, dear friend.

2009-08-11T07:38:00.005-05:00

Sincerely,
Phoebe Dufus.

All Together Now: Roooad Trrrip!

2009-08-03T11:55:00.010-05:00

My friends and I have just returned from a ten day roadtrip to Yellowstone and back. We went through the North Dakotan Badlands, and hopped-skipped-and-jumped over to Yellowstone; and dove into the Tetons, and escaped via the South Dakotan Badlands. Back to home sweet home - in Bemidji, that is. (All that talk of heading home in the car, raised emotions about my home country, Malaysia. And I was quiet for awhile to think on that too.) ANYWAY,

It was superbly amazing! None of the pictures have been uploaded yet. Soon you'll see me being tagged on 'em on Facebook. I have no camera of my own, I used to loan my school's Cannon-pro cameras for personal projects or assignments. However, now that school is still out and summer is on (though almost over), I have no picture capturing device. Of my own, that is.

One of the highlights of the trip is and will always be our conversations. We had two bible studies between, talking about the same chapter I Corinthians 13.

That's right, LOVE.

We participated in Bible Study at Rob's a couple of weeks ago, about the same chapter and decided to do our own on the same one. There were so many things that we felt we still needed to understand. And today, I doubt I have fully grasped the full meaning of God's love.

I remember asking God in yesteryears to "teach me to love the way you love". I REALLY, TRULY did not know what I was asking for. And till today, God is still teaching me to love people: the types of people I don't necessarily jive with, that don't necessarily share my wavelength - and still; there is much to learn.

Question to self: Why is it so hard?

One of my dear friends had many questions too. Not the regular questions; some really provocative ones that made me think a lot about how i was conveying love (not any love, God's love) to the people around me. Even if it boils down to simple chores like dish-washing. How do I show love? Why can't there be expectations? Should we expect people to do something? Or should we do it out of love without resent? How can we not resent? Do we strive to be God-like in that way? Or are we allowing people spelunk on the very nook and crevices of our soft head? Another dear friend of mine shared about her fears and how she's dealing with them. Another shared about struggles.

It was amazing to hear all of us share our true stories, how it affects us. And I joke not, the stories shared are not for the faint of heart. Many tied to death.

And you wonder. And I wonder.

Will God be pleased with the final outcome of our race? Read I Corinthians 13 again with us too.

Oh, and..

I love you.

p/s I got invited for dinner tonight! Yay for progress!
p/p/s I leave you with a soundtrack for the day:

Gone
Like yesterday is
Gone
Like history is
Gone
The world keeps spinning on
You're going, going
Gone
Like Summer Break is
Gone
Like Saturday is
Gone
Just tryin' to prove me wrong
You pretend like you're immortal

-Switchfoot, for the win.
(Got to touch Jon Foreman again at Sonshine, by the way. *Laughs the hysterics down*)

Of death and other edible things.

2009-07-24T10:32:00.006-05:00

So I'm back again.

Just when I start disappearing from memory, I put up a post of me whining about how I have not written anything for an era! Once again, I have no good excuse to offer you, no mind-boggling tale of which to enchant young minds into believing in a world of the unknown - worlds that only imagination itself can contain. No.

In the most diluted sense, I have been busy. And to you, my dear friend Joash, I offer my heartfelt apologies.

And without further monkeying around:

I've been learning to value life differently since I've been here. I am with close friends who've either experienced near death, seen death, dreamed death, watched death take away someone they love -- but death all the same. It's a hard thing to grasp, death. But it's even more fantastic a thought to know that death is life to us. The very foundation of faith. The stitches that hold the seams.

To be rid of the normal expectations; No, this is not a paper about death. These are just disgruntled thoughts, that you will gradually piece together forming the distorted image of what I've been thinking about recently -- eventually starting this trail of thought-food for your brain - if you haven't yet already thought about this before.

Death has always seemed more melancholy than what it is -- mainly because of the pain of separation. We experience an ounce (maybe less) of it when we say goodbye to someone we dearly love[d]. Whether of a relationship, family, or close friend. The very act of leaving -- the possibility of not seeing the other for a long time, (or perhaps even ever) cuts a little (if not a lot). Leaves us broken. Hopeless.

In the world we live in, it is commonly seen in age, mistakes, accidents, war, disease, murder and the like. The Circle of Life. But i wonder what it looks like from God's point of view. A teleportation device? II Corinthians 5:8 ("To be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord.") I wonder if our world could not be likened to a virtual world: Like a scene out of the manga, "Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles". (Get over yourself, look it up.) Where you fall out of the world when you're dead - and things finally make sense. C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle, really.

But then we wonder, why the hassle of creating virtual reality, right? Why can't we just be? If there is a God, why is he putting us through what seems to be a test site? Rumour has it (valid source), we did this to ourselves. Death itself is caused by a darkness that we seem to play a lot in. Sin. (Romans 6:23) (oh, don't roll your eyes. death never was for the faint-hearted.) If this is temporary, why do we try so hard?

Hebrews 9:27 says, There is judgement after death. So, there is a God who is just. There is payment for injustice. There is payment for wrongdoing. Therefore,

There is hope.

There is more to life than death. Which means I have nothing to fear in death. In fact, it's been conquered. It's a battle I no longer have to fight for. My more current quest, is to strive for purity. Never fully achievable -- but to be sought after.

But again, this query remains: why do I have to try so hard? For me, it is a simple answer, but a difficult task to accomplish.

My life belongs to someone else, subject to the bidding of one greater than I. Kind of like chess...somewhat. Slavery? Not really. I still have freedom to go my way and ruin the game. But I am doing it for the sake of winning this final battle we call life. For the glory of the Chess Master. I used to think I was great at damage control. But I am nothing compared to this big guy. So I'm sticking to him who knows what this mess of thoughts mean; I'm sticking to him who knows my end.

So even if my life is truly shorter than what most intend, I will still say - All this for the glory of the Chess Master.

So, question.... (or Blonde Moments)

2009-07-21T12:08:00.002-05:00

So...

I came to America, right? And landed myself some good friends. Two of them eventually hooked up. All of us still hangout, thanks to the fact that we all know each other. NO changes there. But i have two other friends who are still single, beside me. I know both of them are looking, but for the right one. I see that. But sometimes, i feel so selfish. I get so afraid that things will start changing among us as a group. I didn't realize that i was being very selfish by hanging out with them too much. Rob Mahto was giving a bible study about LOVE yesterday and Jesus is the ultimate example of a life that overflows with love. And here am i, a little afraid about some changes that are BOUND to happen eventually anyway. I can't stop life from happening. HOWEVER, I can stop my life from being self-seeking.

So...

Change Happens, right? Let it be! Change is growth. and Growth is good. Good friends are for always, and have no conditions, no excuses. We say this is a cliche, something we hear everyday. But are we truly listening? It will be a growing experience for all of us. I think I need to start opening up the circle, and invite MORE good Christian men and women into it. and Maybe,just maybe my close friends could find their soul mates through positive, and healthy interaction. One of my close friends told me that I am an initiator. I start things up, and they help me execute them. And they were talking about me setting up events for them to get to know more people. I struggled with this because i'm not exactly liking the idea of having to host 20 people all at once, all the time! I like the quiet 5. But now that i know they actually depend on me to organize things like these...what exactly am i doing with that? On the one hand, I felt a little sulky. Why on earth do I have to initiate this? on the other hand, Why am i NOT initiating activities and meetings that matter?! I feel like i visit with them and talk with them, whenever i NEED them (a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent, a place to chill). What about what they need? What about what God wants from us? From me? To sort out my frustrations, What I need is a game plan.

So...

I'm thinking healthy interaction, right? And here are some ideas. To always remain as a group is a great idea. But what can we do as a group? I want to make sure there is opportunity for conversations. 1) Bible studies: It's always, ALWAYS a great idea to learn more about God, to grow together in our faith and to live out Daily Christ-like lives - lives that please God. 2) Coffee & Tea Sessions at Cantabria (Bemidji's Starbucks): That has always encouraged great get-to-know-you conversations. 3) Camping// Weekend trips: Short weekend campouts to learn cooperation and team work. 4) Volunteering: Maybe we should all sign up to volunteer to do something at an old folk's home, children's hospital, homeless program, soup kitchen, etc. This can encourage us to serve others, or at least constantly think about what we can do for someone else. 5) Picnics//Grill outs: Food and friends are always a great combo for convo. *chuckles* today's phrase that pays, that one. 6) ...

So...

I can't think of a sixth idea now, right? But it'll be okay. I feel like i am pretty set for at least the next couple of months. I've never had to worry about the relationships of my friends before. But since this is what has been brought up to me, and although i am as clueless as fogged up glass after a hot shower, I will take on this challenge. What they do with the opportunities created will be up to them entirely. Hero, we want to live out lives you can be proud of. Help us to live worthy of your calling and glory. Keep us dreaming up your vision, so that we won't walk aimless, egocentrical or dead.

Teach us to live.

Final Photography Project

2009-04-28T14:41:00.001-05:00

My Photo Essay!

Final Project for Photography 2009.

To you.

2009-04-15T01:07:00.001-05:00

There's a whole lot to me than what i tend to let surface. One cannot truly engage in conversations of desires and identity out of hues of blue. One waits for the right time. And that time did not come. Perhaps it never will.

There's not much you or I need to know about who i was, who i am or who i want to be - because i am not defined by all that -- not even by my name. not anymore.

My name does have some form of bearing to my life and legacy here on earth. But what is in a name? Countless times i've failed it's meaning. Countless times i've acted adversely out of spite, immaturity and folly. What is my name? Do I really want it to matter to you? You, who've walked with me through all shapes of my sorrow and grief. and you, who've shared my laughter in times of childishness. Or you, who've sat with me under the tree of imagination and dreamed of higher heights no human have yet tread.

My identity now lies in someone more wonderful than I. He gave so much to be with me. So i choose him. And he will always take precedence in my life.

So no, i'm not interested in any other person, any external relationship, any developing bond that may threaten to sever this budding tie and usher me into distraction, into the comatose.

I cannot yet engage myself in another. Not till i'm ready. Not yet, not now. For i have awakened from twilight's tight grasp and have now seen the sun at the end of that tunnel. I will not turn back. You can't make me.

True, i may meet someone on my way out of that tunnel. But it is not Now. And you are Now. Therefore, things cannot be.

There's just very little time. Too little, in fact. It's too early for me to be wandering about sorting issues of companionship.You'll find someone who is and will be ready for you.

But i am not. I come through those doors later. You finish before me.We are still running our races simultaneously. But Parallel and not Together. You will always be a cherished brother.

Fret not. Our hearts are made up of more than just cells and tissues, and it pumps and works with more than just blood or its platelets.

I can only hope you understand, dear old friend. I can only hope.

Sincerely,
Phoebe Lee Mathius
p/s Phoebe : radiance

The Alien Autistic

2009-04-02T16:03:00.003-05:00

This is my latest assignment guys!

I am not happy with the text graphics during the poetry slam, but i totally lost hours of work when the software crashed on me. I was running out of time, so i decided to just do a mess of sample fonts/styles.

My professor just told me to keep working on it so that i can submit it for Fall's fargo's film fest. But he needs to check on competition rules and formats before we move ahead with this extracurricular project!

P/s i won another small scholarship. The first was from a Roy Blackwood. and now, i won something from Sullivan. I hope to hear from Milowski soon. Thanks Hero, for helping me find favor with the people behind the considerations.

Light of Day - The Music Video

2009-02-28T11:57:00.002-06:00

This is a Music video i made (filmed, edited) for a track/song i composed at a time when i had a lot of questions.

So yeah....
this is:
"Light of Day"
Music and Lyrics by Phoebe Lee Mathius

This turned into my assignment, and I presented it to class several days ago. Here it is... in it's full song-likeness and etcetera.

*chuckles* enjoy. and gimme feedback!

p/s it didn't really turn out the way i originally intended for it to look. but oh well, i finished it anyway, (a day before it was due) so i won't complain. haha.

CREDITS
Jon M. Chiaravalle
Sarah McKee
Samantha Sorenson
Katie Nelson
Tony Barber
Tim Roberts

Thanks for your time investments, ideas and flexibility. You were all great to work with!

and All gratitude is due to my hero. I love you.

Of Chris Tomlin, Israel Houghton and New Breed.

2009-02-21T12:38:00.003-06:00

Their concert is coming up in March! 29th to be exact! It will be held in the Xcel Energy Center, in St. Paul, Minnesota - a four hour drive away from Bemidji. Not unlike the journey between Taiping and Kuala Lumpur.

And guess What? I'm going! *does a jig*
Wanna go too? Click here!

Deep gratitude to Edrian for informing me of the concert. I know he has been the biggest fan of Israel and New breed. And i will definitely take you in spirit, bro!

4 other good friends of mine are heading over there with me! and it is going to be SWEET!

ROAD TRIP!!!

Thanks, hero. For granting me the tiny desires of my heart. You are so real to me even in my brokenness. You're real to me in my joy. Thanks for being around. *shuffles feet bashfully* I love you.

I cried.

2009-02-20T09:21:00.001-06:00

I'd just gotten off from a sob fest.
('twas only for a few seconds, but still.... i never knew i was capable of being such an emotional girl.)

I never knew i would have it in me to just burst into tears, gab-smack in the middle of a song - with no warning too.

well, there was SOME warning. it was this swelling swirl in my chest that grew and grew and ...I never could tell what it was. When it finally peaked, out came niagra falls!

(I laugh sheepishly at myself as i type this. and some of you may even be having a field day with this.)

but what you need to know is that there are several causes to this [phoe]nomenon, of course.

one must first look at the song that i was listening to.

The song had caused me to feel this burdened sense of nostalgia... i remembered listening to it during a certain tough period of waiting and direction in my life. And it's a wonder how far I've come. How God led me through, step by step, phase by phase...word for word.

As i listened, what i experienced for the most part, was the feeling of relief that that time has already past. And that there was nothing to fear. But on the other hand, I've also been feeling burdened for the future. What specifically, i do not know...yet. A spiritual battle, really. But my hero, i know, will be there to save the day! No matter how battered or wounded we are from the battle, I know i will see him riding towards the bloodied field with the strongest army you will ever live to see!

Yes, I see a storm cloud looming up ahead. And i cannot help but feel my heart sinking; remembering the last time i've had to go through this. But the sunlight is still reflecting its intensity on my sword, the battle is still raging. We WILL grow from this. Whatever it is. Whatever that is coming.

My hero, lover and friend has made me ready. I await with bated breath.

Light of Day

2009-02-18T21:36:00.002-06:00

I guess, I wrote a new song. =)

"Light of Day"
(by Phoebe Lee Mathius)

She conjured up a world
Where she could hide
With arching trees stretched over lakes
Watched by purple skies

Poor innocent girl
How will your story unfurl
Poor innocent girl
How they shatter your world...

Chorus:
In the midst of fools
there's a trickle of reason
for every season
in the eyes of one
So beautiful
But we claim not to see
Nod our heads to agree
while a dream never sees the light of day

Tag:
Poor innocent girl, we say.

I conjured up a world
One so ideal
Where there's no hatred
and there's nothing to conceal

But it's all in my head
It's all in my...(chorus)

Tag 2:
It's all in our heads, we say

Bridge:
After everything we've lived through
You'd think we would understand.
After every wrong suffered
You'd think we would have a plan...

But we choose not to see
We're content, we're carefree
While a dream never sees the light of day.
But we choose not to see
Nod our heads to agree
While our dreams never see the light of day.

End:
It's all in our heads, we say.

No more dreams today

Where is the light of day?

~~~~~

I have just completed filming for this demo's music video. this is wonderful news for me as it started out pretty behind schedule. hopefully, after the editing is done, it'd turn out better than i can even hope for. Hope with me.

"If God be for us, who can be against us?"

Oh, Phanuel!

2009-02-13T10:24:00.004-06:00

My little autistic brother, whom i love so ever, ever MUCH, has found a new craze!

Check it out! It's adorable!

Remember how he loves dinosaurs and animated cartoons? Well, this is perfect for him! Although my younger sister, Parmena, thinks it's annoying. I can see how it can be for us "grown-ups". Or rather, should we call ourselves "growING-ups"?

Can we ever fully achieve maturity? I say, no.

Love you, Phanuel. You'll be one of the greats someday, leaving behind an amazing legacy for the world to exemplify!

Got a Date For Val's?

2009-02-13T09:47:00.000-06:00

I do.

*smiles*

Weekend Breaks, News and Prayer Requests!

2009-02-13T09:32:00.007-06:00

I'm heading to an Apologetics Conference this weekend.

I'm excited! It's gonna be awesome. And a good break for me. Thanks, Kristen LEE Flathers for inviting me along! And Sarah McKee, it'll be good to catch up with you all that four hours down to the cities! =)

I have a HUGE video project on my hands and things aren't going well. Pray for me. For wisdom.

In other news, I got my social security card/number - which means i can get paid now! hurrah! In the nick of time too! I was seriously BROKE. (NO, don't inform my parents, they know. and NO, I'm doing fine. I have my small reserve. But it'll be great to start saving you know?) Thanks for all the support!

IF you need something to pray about when it comes to me, I'm applying for several partial scholarships. I need to find favor.

Also -- as i indicated in a previous post, I made the Dean's and the President's List. They served a free lunch yesterday, for people who make the list! And i received two certificates! So whoever this Dean person is, and how his list came to be.... thanks, ole boy!

All this -- thanks to my beloved. I love you.

When Wednesday Met Thursday

2009-02-12T16:47:00.002-06:00

Darkness.
...was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday. My timepiece indicated an incredibly foreign hour of the morning. Couldn't really understand my body's enthusiasm to meet the day. Neither could i comprehend why an ingenius and divine concept, such as sleep, could ever be this elusive. Pure in-

Sanity.
...is what I have in moderate amounts these days. A shame, that. 'Tis sanity that keeps most of us afloat, even in the most deplorable of conditions. And this very same trait, I lack. Retarded, i seem to be, for the better part of the day; and all thanks to the tiny men at war in my already delirious grey matter. Why all the strife, you ask? I'll never really know for sure, but i have some -

Ideas.
...Conformity, for one. To feel safe, to belong and all that balderdash. We've been taught to follow things blindly and we've all wound up stuck in waist-deep sludge. I sullenly watch as my fingers drummed the table in an unsettled fashion. Still uncertain. Did the muck around me ooze out from my very own pores? Or was it just there all along, waiting innocently for some poor cretin to step in it, yell a string of inaudible curses - break into melancholy song ( i.e. Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen) and contemplate suicide simultaneously, whilst painfully submerging into the bottomless, tar-like puddle at a disgraceful rate of one centimeter per minute? Either way, I only have myself to blame for being here. Nevertheless, everything in me, the very essence that survives me, cries out to escape the System, to be my own person, to be contrary; different to the reeking normalcy of today's stale-tuna-sandwich culture. Tiny men at war in my head. Conformity Vs. Individuality. The bugle has sounded. The battle is -

ON.
...The bold word returned my blank gaze. I'd been fumbling around in the dark and a bump or two later, the lights had flickered on, swallowing the darkness that once engulfed my personal space. I remained in the deafening silence, eyes still getting accustomed to the shocking brightness that now illuminated every nook and cranny. My finger, still on the switch, lay motionless; frozen-like; as I stood stupefied at the single-syllabled word: ON. Right below was it's regal antonym, in similar print. OFF. ON.

OFF.
ON.

...How feeble our faith. How feeble our lives. How great the Creator.

OFF.

ON.
OFF.

Darkness.
... was all I could see when Wednesday met Thursday, and when Thursday met Friday, when life met death, when train met tunnel. Just spaces void of -

Light.
... was all I could see as the tunnel approached its end - when life met eternity, when men met God.

-Written in 2006
-By Phoebe Lee Mathius

What?

2009-02-11T11:00:00.002-06:00

Phoebe....in the Dean's List??
NO (absolute) way!
Thanks, hero.

Yay For Experiments!

2009-02-10T10:34:00.003-06:00

The Moon is A Magnet by Jon Foreman

It's a little slow but only to go with the song! Great job, Tim and thanks for doing this with me. Let's hope my actual video assignment goes well. *fingers crossed for tonight*

My Pensive Adagio.

2009-02-08T15:00:00.000-06:00

A friend asked me if i was doing alright. Truth is, I'm not sure. I mean, I'm happy. But this is something past the trivial school life, assignments and such. It's an inward battle that i will soon need to have ironed out. So, I'll just borrow the answer i sent, and post it here - to serve as a reminder for me, really. More than anything else.

I wrote:

it's something i'm figuring out. it isn't like...school or anything trivial like that, i would think. i remember the last time i felt this way. and it kinda marked an uncomfortable transition period of decisions and waiting. But something great came out of it. I'm here in Bemidji now! so maybe it's just God's way of saying, "okay, enough of this! You can handle more. Time for you to keep growing."

and it makes me shift in my seat a lil just thinking about it. I think change is important and good. (and helps me evade depression from the repetitive routines we tend to get ourselves into.) but at the same time, growing comes with complementary growing pains too.

oh well, let it come, i say. I'll just try to be more receptive and make myself accessible to what God wants to do. whatever that may be.

Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie

2009-02-03T19:40:00.003-06:00

Another cool video to check out!

"Oren Lavie is a songwriter, director, writer of funny books for sad children. Born in Tel-Aviv, Israel. He has long curly hair, green eyes, cold feet. Known to daydream on many an occasion.
He has written and directed several plays in London’s Off-West End and NY off-Broadway.
His play ‘Lighting The Day’ was named by the London Time Out magazine one of the top 5 plays in London during its run. He won several scholarships and awards as a playwright and director, was a member of Manhattan Classic Company’s playwright coalition.

He likes to create dreamy visuals from realistic elements, he enjoys squeezing big worlds into small spaces.
As a songwriter he produced his debut album ‘The Opposite Side of The Sea’ which he released in 2008 on his own label, being that nobody else was going to release it.
He loves animation but can’t draw a straight line to save his life.
This video is his first venture into the Moving Pictures."

Excerpt taken from:
http://www.myspace.com/orenlavie
www.orenlavie.com

Are you not Mine?

2009-02-03T09:40:00.001-06:00

These dreams I'm having
Are not mine
These doubts that control
Do not belong
This joy I’ve found
Is not for keeping
This love I've stumbled upon
Cannot be owned.

I cannot hold you
Even though I want to
I cannot hide you away
I am in deep greed of your attentions
That sometimes I think
if the rest of the world should fall away
that'd be okay.

Gah, the tribulations of
my human soul.
my Human, flawed...
self-absorbed soul.
Why do I keep you
I know why i want you
but why do i hold you
clenched in a fist
strangling what you can do
with me.

gah.
gah.
GAH.

Wow.

2009-01-24T02:27:00.003-06:00

We've been on an evangelism streak as of late. We studied dichotomies, and reinvented and reimagined the way we saw evangelism.

Yesterday, our friend Nick, found Jesus.

Backgrounding: I am with the worship team. Kristen is excited about Nick's decision, runs up to me and tells me about it. I get stoked too.

I go up to him and gave him a hug. I'm so happy for you, I say. Happy (spiritual) birthday.

I was, undoubtedly excited.

You know, he says to me, you helped me make that finally decision to follow Jesus.

And i just stand there. gaping.

He continues. Just standing during worship, watching the team, watching you worship, with all your hearts and just smiling and taking it all in, while playing your instruments..., - he said almost distractedly - made me want it too.

Tears well in my eyes.

Oh My God. Oh My God. Oh My God. Not to us. But to your name. be the glory.

Can you hear it? The angels rejoicing?

[GOOGLE] Your Name

2009-01-12T21:54:00.001-06:00

RULES:
Go to Google and type in your first name and the phrase all in quotes. Copy and paste the first sentence/phrase you get that makes sense. KARL EDIT: Or actually, you can choose the funniest one in the first 5 results, or if it's hopeless the first 10. Because this is supposed to be funny.

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: "PETITION" Phoebe needs to use her powers more!
Phoebe Note: I KNOW!!! Right? ;)

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: Phoebe looks seriously wacky with her giant cheeks and ’surprised’ look.
Phoebe Note: Yeah, i really should work on that.

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: Like other phoebes, the rusty-bellied Say's Phoebe is common around people, often nesting on buildings. A bird of open country, it is found from Alaska through Mexico.
Phoebe Note: I know it's out of context, but it's so cool that there are other phoebes! They're winged! *laughs* (The other one was boring. Says no to smoking or something like it. Although, naturally, i would say something boring like that. *Hmms aloud*)

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: Phoebe wants some turkey Video on AOL Video.
Phoebe Note: Rrrright. I could always use some turkey. I found this first on the list on the second results page. The first page mainly covered the romance novel "What Phoebe Wants" by Cindy Myers which i found to be amusing....somewhat.

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: In 1984, Phoebe does Gremlins.
Phoebe Note: *laughs hysterically* (obviously it's referring to the actress Phoebe who acted in Gremlins.) But before i lose credibility here, i personally like this other one, "Phoebe does not seek for glory." Nevertheless, for the benefit of your attention spans and for the sake of lousy humor - Gremlins stick.

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: Phoebe says she hates PBS because it reminds her of the miserable days when her mother watched Sesame Street on it before committing suicide.
Phoebe Note: Ruh-ruh-Randooommm! An episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. obviously.

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: Phoebe asks Joey to give her away at her wedding.
Phoebe Note: but the next one was crazy! "Ask Farmer Phoebe. Urban organic gardener - Playing in the dirt is my passion!"

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: Phoebe Likes bugs and Springflowers!
Phoebe Note: Cause she's such a happy person!

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: Phoebe eats starfruits and BLATs.
Phoebe Note: What's a BLAT? [Googles] "BLATS : Built-Up Low-Cost Advanced Titanium Structures" Aieee.

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A:Phoebe wears bells around her neck, she is a deep piled lovely plush Charlie Bear.
Phoebe Note: What on purple earth?!

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: Phoebe was arrested for shoplifting.
Phoebe Note: Hey, the first google search required me to use my powers more-- Don't judge.

First Day of School

2008-12-08T01:16:00.001-06:00

A poem I found on YouTube earlier this year... I came across it by accident then, and i stumbled upon it yet again today. It pulled up so many fond memories....I absolutely love this one. but then, all good videos are most pleasant when least expected.

smile.

Article One : Follow Up

2008-12-03T19:00:00.001-06:00

And here they are!!

A bunch of Article One pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Simply click here!

Or copy and paste this into your address bar on your web browser!
http://usemath.multiply.com/photos/album/60/Article_One_Concert

Article One

2008-12-03T18:01:00.006-06:00

Earlier this semester, I went to an Article One concert.... Well, to be honest, they were just Opening Acts for Superchick ~ But they were, the best band playing that night!!!!!

(They're Canadians by the way.)

I have the photos all stashed in my friend's album, forgive me for not updating blogdom about it... but i just found a video of the electric violin solo... of the exact concert I attended....

Notice, how he plays so hard, the strings on his bow breaks and then he flips the violin to his back and starts playing behind his back!!!

Crazy awesome. 'Nough said.

Enjoy. Pictures to follow!

Eveleth Updates!

2008-11-27T06:40:00.006-06:00

I followed some duck tracks. Haha.

I didn't find them right away. I found them under the deck out front in the end.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, everyone!

Our first snow.

2008-11-26T22:57:00.003-06:00

Dearest,

Pretend those are your feet, and that the crunching snow I heard beneath my feet, were what you heard.

This is our first snow.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart!

With love,
Phoebe Lee Mathius
(Your sister who loves you very very much!)

A Heart's Capacity : Phillip Napieralski

2008-11-20T11:20:00.002-06:00

Another video assignment of mine. 3 minuter, this time. In this video, I'm interviewing music prodigy ;) Phillip Napieralski (a.k.a. Phil or even Philbo Baggins) who plays crazy crazy piano! check out his youtube channel to see what i mean! www.youtube.com/phasebeta

It will be time well spent, guaranteed. At basic, this is Phil's music journey and how he grew from it.

This is his heart's capacity.

Video Assignments!

2008-10-30T10:37:00.002-05:00

Hey here's my latest assignment, completed!

This video is basically my one minute feature story (an interview, really) of Timothy James Larson (whom i sometimes call Teej) who is an awesome TV Producer/Director for Lakeland Public Television.

I apologize for audio and image quality... it had to be compressed when uploaded! your feedback is appreciated.

Life and Times of Tim the TV Producer/Director

I have to learn to pan the camera better. Next time, i'll just use a tripod.

Nothing

2008-10-08T12:47:00.003-05:00

A new song I wrote. Music by Haeman Teo.
http://album.timothylarson.com/displayimage.php?pos=-2584
(click to listen)

The constant nagging of quiet surrender
persistent pelting of silent thoughts
who knows what goes on behind the eyes of another?
smiles and tears; clues are all we've got

Hidden dreams that are lost forever
Forbidden bonds that are hard to sever
But what do we do with our displaced observations?
Shake our heads in deep frustration?

We've nothing more than what we've brought
What we have is what we've got
Nothing less than who we are

Stop being something we're not.

'Cause we build and break
and break and build
And we try and try to be free but still
Remain in invisible screens
Like movies in gray

How are you today?

2008-09-23T08:39:00.006-05:00

"How are you today?
It's been awhile
I've been far away
But I'm doing okay
Happy me
No, I'm still in disarray
But does it matter anyway?"
-Phoebe Lee Mathius, "Million"

It's been a little more than a month here in Bemidji, Minnesota. (Stop saying you don't know where it is! Look it up on the atlas!)

Here's a little update about what's been going on around here. I'm still doing my major, the same one from before: Mass Communication in the Electronic Media concentration. I'm taking Audio classes, Video classes, Digital Video Classes, ugly Communication Law and Swing Dance!

I love all my classes so far - it is such a wonderful feeling to be finally focusing on things i love...FINALLY! I miss Malaysia DEARLY, but man, i'll have to say our education system is sad, compared to what i've experienced here in a measely 5 weeks or so!

As required by my audio class, I am running a radio show, Saturday nights 8-10pm and it is called Bea's Saturday Night Drive. I've only just initiated the program last Saturday.... I was seriously freaked out, because this is on live transmission. yes, you read me right. I go ON AIR....LIVE! it's our college campus radio and we've got all sorts of kids and college folk listening in to us - so that keeps me on my toes. My last show wasn't that great but I ENJOYED IT! nothing like it! (My roomie, Hope (whom i will blog about later), who listened in through the whole show, told me that it was not too bad - but that's her opinion.)

I also have to write and create radio commercials and public announcements as assignments and I did a Speak Like a Pirate Day! I shall post it up when i can. Apparently, when i read it out in class, it was funny. Rubbish, right? ;)

My digital video class, requires us to remake scenes from movies I like - but since we're working in groups, what my team likes. (And when i say remake...our professor really means REMAKE. Like down to the last detail!) So it was voted in that we redo a funny scene from Pineapple Express (youtube it), a pretty big-deal movie here. In fact, it is a NIGHT scene that we are remaking, and therefore, we are going to be shooting 11pm tonight! Can't wait!!

My Video class requires us to attend football games and shoot it as LIVE coverage for channel 17, a local TV network here. I did my first shooting two weeks ago, and enjoyed the heck out of myself! Haha. We had a director ordering us what shots to take via heaphones (Portacoms) and i had a blast toying with my camera! My next game is this Saturday! and then it'll be another 3 more games to shoot!

If you noticed I don't have a weekend life. I have reluctantly given up my Saturdays for my audio and video assignments, as the rest of my week is jam-packed anyway!

I attend a CF here called Intervarsity and have been scheduled to play keyboard this Thursday! =) This means, I have practice sessions on Monday nights, and leadership meets on Sunday nights and of course the meeting/service itself on Thursday nights.

I go for Swing Dance on Wednesday Nights and we've been learning the Jitterbug and we will be learning more new dances as we go along the rest of the semester... I LOVE MY SWING CLASSES! And I'm getting rather good at, I would think! I've always loved the music that goes with and FINALLY, I'm able to actually jive with it the way i should!

I was elected Secretary of the International Students Organization (ISO) and therefore, i have committee meetings on Friday nights (8-9pm) before ISO night itself, which is spent in our Gym, specially booked for the aliens in university! We play games and have whatever activities and bond, basically. So that's through 9-11pm.

I made a very good friend called Tim, who plays the bass in our Intervarsity team - and he agreed to teach me bass...so my bass lessons happen on tuesday night! I'm starting from the basics and I LOVE IT! (Tim happens to be a graduate in the same major and concentration as I and he works at Lakeland News as a Producer/Director. He is awesome at what he does. Seriously.)

So if you realize, that's something to do EVERY night of the week! I absolutely ADORE my schedule... but pray that I have my priorities in place and that I use God-fuel and not me-fuel to get through, less i burn out! I want my life to reflect my hero, whom i am SO in love with - and be the Krista that I am called to be.

"Let my life be like a love song,
Let my life be like a love song,
Let my life be like a love song
...to your heart.

I love you, my hero.

Riding a Star.

2008-08-31T05:26:00.003-05:00

Well, The Star Newspaper, at least -

*chuckles*The above is a cover article for Star R.AGE last week! I said a lot of things....but these were the stuff that made it on print!

Aside that, a supp video was also posted on The Star Online a couple of days ago:

Lemme know what you think! Because if you think that this sort of video content appeals to the youth of this generation, shout it out! The Star is waiting for the green light and will continue with its efforts if only you SAY something!

The Uncut

2008-08-13T05:48:00.002-05:00

I got interviewed! So here's the scoop before it appears on print! ;) Not sure how much will be edited but, here's the uncut.

- when did u start playing music?

Broad question, this. I started playing music (piano, in particular), when I was 8 years old, but I'd already written my first song two years before. My mom knew basic chords on the organ (she never learnt music), and so I’d watched her ‘play by ear’ for the longest of times. Soon, the little rhymes I used to scribble on the corners of newspapers (and any other draft paper I could find) began to develop melodies and I could almost hear the music accompaniment in my head. Needless to say though, the end-product then, was horrid-sounding and poorly structured! (laughs) I’m not ashamed to say that these ‘experiments’ still go on to this day! I stopped piano lessons shortly after - when my teacher moved away. However, music was such a part of my life that I could never let it go. I kept abusing the poor black and whites, slowly teaching myself chords - as I was hopeless at reading notes. But as I progressed that way, so did my singing and songwriting. So, technically, I have no idea when I started this whole thing – it could’ve been when I was that timid 8-year-old who saw the piano as this intimidating monster with black and white teeth; or it could’ve been when I finally realized how badly I wanted music to fit into my future.

- who are ur biggest musical influences?

Yet another broad question! I wouldn’t say I’ve listened to much in my time – heck, I’m still pretty new to this (in comparison to the greats)! Seeing as I’m still discovering a sound that I’m comfortable with, I listen to a wide range of genres. But in terms of songwriting, one of my major influences would be Switchfoot, definitely. I’ve been into them since I was a wee 11 year old. My main reasons would be that their lyrics are weighty. They have a compelling story (or message) behind them - something I long to carry in my own compositions. They’re the kind of songs that you can get into at first listen, and yet at say, the tenth play, you’re still able to get that “eureka!” moment: jump up and go, “Gosh, that totally makes sense!” Other bands that have songs with weighty lyrics would be The Goo Goo Dolls, David Crowder Band, John Mayer, Lifehouse, Alanis Morisette and the likes. There are “quieter” profiles I listen to, whom I think are absolutely brilliant: Deb Talan, Ingrid Michaelson, Nizlopi (they’re pretty big in the UK), Jonatha Brooke, Damien Rice, Regina Spektor, KT Tunstall (before her fame). Aside that, I’m also quite hooked to several amazing one-hit-wonders of the ‘90s (namely stuff from The Verved Pipe, The Verve, LFO, Shawn Mullins, Semisonic, Toploader, Puddle of Mudd, etcetera) and as of late, I get my jazz fixes from Jamie Cullum, John Legend and Michael Buble! Jazz is hardly pretentious – most songs speak of life in candid thoughts; something I strive to achieve in my own music as well. I have more names to cough out but the artistes I mentioned so far are the stronger influences in Phoebe-orbit at present.

- describe your brand of music.

I can’t place a brand for my music per se. Not now, at least. I’m still discovering my sound. But recently, I’ve found myself dabbling more into acoustic stuff, especially for gigs. I doubt I’ll stay in this genre for too long though. What I see myself getting into is a fusion of funk, rock and acoustic sounds. My first few tries are going to be messy, but I intend to get there somehow!

- where do u get your inspiration to write music from?

Everywhere.

I write about my hero, my little brother (who is autistic), relationships, love and life. I write of dreams yet achieved, about a song I’ve listened to, a dead sparrow or of a weed surviving through a fine crack in concrete. I try to relate things I see to things I’ve experienced. I’ve noticed that, with me, there is always this constant search for perfection and its owner. So from that thought-flow, I tend to write a lot about ideals and how much we fall short. For example: Personified disappointment seems to be the raging theme with me now. (laughs) What I mean to say is that I prefer to see disappointment as a person. A person I can turn away from and move on. And, yes, I confess! In secret, some of the songs I write are therapeutic for me personally. Tapping from emotions of the past can be painful when writing a song, especially when you want so badly to grab the uncut moment. But it pays off when you can come up with a piece you can be proud of!

- can u tell us some of the most memorable moments you've had when performing?

I was singing for a youth camp last December and there were about 600 participants present. I really don’t know how to describe the feeling on stage – but to be able to see that many young people singing in unison (alongside me and my band) about our passion in life was AMAZING! Something I hope I will NEVER forget should I ever take on larger audiences.

- what is the local indie music scene like these days?

It’s hard to say. The indie music scene here has been thriving as of late. I’ve had opportunities to work with great singers and musicians – so I know the quality of the field is definitely higher. To those who haven’t tested the waters, don’t be too quick to judge. You will never believe the pool of talent we have these days! I would encourage any music lover to attend a local gig or two – you’re bound to come across somebody whose music you’d love! I’ve latched on to a couple myself!

On the flipside, we’re still lacking in platform - especially one to showcase talent to scouts or agents (in particular), depending on the nature of the event. The many events that have been held so far are great and all – but the musicians and performers come away from these, surviving solely on the love for what they do and little else.

Many claim that music is an art not many can master, and if you’re good at it, they say you’re “skilled”. But that’s where it stops. In the real world, when you’re good at what you’re doing, you land a great job coupled with high retribution at that! Not so in the music scene. Eventually, indifference gets the better of many indie musicians and we are literally driven to extinction (that, or migration)! I’m just really glad that we have such a high-spirited local indie scene at the moment, and I pray it carries on for the longest time to come! I’ve got to get my breakthrough from someplace, right? (laughs)

- do u see music as a viable career in the near future?

100%, yes! The battle doesn’t lie with the musicians and performers though. The true playmakers here are the audience! If you believe in someone’s work or music, go all out! Don’t stop at being star-struck! At the very least, we’ll be able to gauge how well a particular music artiste will do by (though not solely) the following it hordes. Seeing how much crowds are publicity in itself (let’s not even begin about the stuffed up roads that are caused by onlookers who drive by an accident site at the speed of a crawl), the band is bound to attract enough attention from the right places!

On the other hand, if we’re going to religiously put shows like Malaysian Idol out of business, out of sheer skepticism, our future in music is pretty bleak! Mistakes happen, we should move on! (Something I too, am learning to do without sulking.) (laughs)

Conclusion:

To those of you who’d like to take up music, I give you my wholehearted support! This may be a cliché but, when you get into the momentum, be the best that you can be! And even if you don’t turn out to be a virtuoso; at the very least, you would be able to recognize a good musician or performer when it comes to it. I haven’t had the opportunity to learn so much music, but the little I know has helped me to understand my dream and has helped me relate to people who make music their lifestyles. The music scene is a tough nut to crack. But working towards and achieving that breakthrough is the best part of the whole experience!

(Interview conducted by Ian Yee)

August 10th Approaches!

2008-08-08T14:06:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow's the Day!

Our New Wave Worship Live Concert is Tomorrow Morning and I can't wait!

We've got several virtuosos, guest musicians if you will, coming down from Butterworth, Penang and Petaling Jaya, Selangor -- to help amp up the celebration!

Taking this opportunity to thank everyone for agreeing to do this with us:

-The Leo brothers, and close companions of Phinny, David and Desmond. They will be supporting us in the venerable guitarist and vocalist positions.
-The Goh siblings from UK/Butterworth. They will be presenting a short musical, as well as supporting us in the much needed violinist, syntherseizerist, and guitarist positions.
-Kevin Alphans from Taiping/Butterworth. He'll be our accoustic guitarist.
-The rest of the Taiping team. It is an honor to be serving alongside you guys!

Tonight there'll be a HUGE get together with all the musicians, and it is going to be SICK! (in every sense of the word!) Praying that we will gel as best we can come the end of the session. Covet your prayers as we step into this - that we will go forward fully knowing that this is all for our One and Only.

"Not to us, But to Your Name be the Glory."

But before the huge practice we're all gonna go fatten ourselves with unhealthy food, walk around lake gardens and the zoo, have tea by the park, talk ourselves to death - then head off to church to strain our voices and blister our fingers!

Glad everything's coming together nicely. Just like my 3m x 2m backdrop piece! Things are looking GREAT!

PASSION Came to Town!

2008-08-08T10:26:00.002-05:00

....and I am still breathless!

Parmena just arrived from KL just now and she was still raving about everything! It was beautiful time spent and very timely too! My one and only always seem to know how to cushion my hardest of moments. My leaving KL for good was very emotional and by lunch I was feeling very heavy.

But when we got into the car to head over to Sunway that Sunday, the excitement EXPLODED! And needless to say, I had a blast of a time, because,

PASSION.WAS.AWESOME.

I am so going for the Conference in the States. Was already planning to go even before i heard Passion was coming down to Malaysia. Gotta meet David Crowder afterall, don't I?

Thanking Joshua Entol and Joshua Ong for the great pictures!

For Kenrick Kong

2008-07-29T04:11:00.004-05:00

Three days ago, a close pk friend of mine, Kenrick Kong, messaged me -

"hi phoebe, how's life back there?
i jz heard that u r gonna leave soon for the US, is that rite? haha i can see the little puzzle pieces forming together heh since back then. neways all the best in ur future undertakings. soar high in whtever u do. oh especially in ur singing:) cant come back 4 ur little pks gathering coz im still in singapore. Till we meet again."

You probably should know that Kenrick here has been a very good friend to me and we shared almost identical amounts of setbacks; we've watched our efforts snowballed to a puddle of melted snow - enough to fill 50 cups of slushies, we've watched peers overtake us in faster paces - all the more closer to the finishing line, we've had to counsel people about having faith in God's purpose for their futures - when ours remained somewhat stagnant, etcetera.

So Kenrick Kong, (who is in Singapore right now, completing training)

"Yup, (i'm leaving) very soon. Almost down to 20 days! I'm bummed that i won't be able to see you before i fly! But It was great of you to remember to drop me a message before i did. We've both had very similar tales and were both struggling through it; half-clawing, half-dreaming but always believing for better days. And here they are, Kenrick! Here they are! I can hardly believe it! We gotta mamak someday and share a round of stories of how sulky and grieved we (once) were and then laugh it all up! I've definitely grown some and I know you have too! Here's believing you have a great future ahead of you (too) and that God be at the helms that we couldn't control in the first place!"All my best,
Phoebe Lee Mathius.

Gig Off!

2008-07-28T21:18:00.002-05:00

Sorry, guys!

Organizers have just informed me that the Menara See Hoy Chan gig has just been postponed to a possible date in October!

I've lost many a gig to evil October, actually: Missed a half hour show at No Black Tie, and now this.

Meanwhile, the excitement of my takeoff continues to brew!

You'll hear from me when things look a little less dull. *laughs*

Bummer.

Phoebe Got (or might have) Gig!

2008-07-24T02:34:00.005-05:00

Yeah, you read right! Phoebe Got Gig! (or thinks she has one) Again!

Photography by Aaron Sim. Look him up on Facebook.

This will be my last performance on Malaysian shores. That is, when i have confirmed details of the gig.

So for now, keep August the 2nd free for me alright? I'll let you know if i'm still on the performer's list when they get back to me. Everything should go as planned though. =)

It'll be in town again, I've heard. In Menara See Hoy Chan. Where's that? Here.

Yeah, try clicking that. It could help. *laughs*

Recap:
The When: August 2nd, 2008 (Saturday)
The Hour: Not sure. Reckon it'll be at night.
The Where: Menara See Hoy Chan
The How: Clickity-click!

Come Support?

Post-Script: A HUGE Thank you to those who came to watch my FEEDBACK open mic performance at Cloth&Clef in Changkat Bukit Bintang! I truly appreciate your morale support - it helped a ton- what with beastly butterflies and moths attacking my poor innards... That and other stage-frightish occurences. I love and appreciate you all!

Phoebe Got Gig! (Update)

2008-07-09T01:07:00.004-05:00

I'm performing again....

FEEDBACK Open Mic Sessions

Venue: Cloth&Clef
Address: #30, Jalan Changkat Bukit Bintang, 55100 Kuala Lumpur.
(on Changkat Bukit Bintang facing Frangipani)
Time: 9:30pm onwards
Date: 12th July, 2008 (Saturday)

It's featuring some of Malaysia's better music artistes; showcasing the likes of Rendra Zawawi, Reza Salleh and Ana Raffali. Come Support?

Cloth & Clef Page (Courtesy of KLue):
http://www.klue.com.my/venues/802-Cloth--Clef

FEEDBACK Open Mic Sessions Events Page on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=522203114#/event.php?eid=18561148577&ref=mf

Of IQ tests and last days of work.

2008-07-09T00:05:00.006-05:00

Here's a little humor to entertain you today.

I took a free IQ test!

Why did I do it? Because of my colleague, Lun.

Lun is at the far right. Next to me. On my left and in the grad-gown is Glenn. He graduated that Saturday. On his left is Hing, who left for National Service 2 weeks before. At the far left, is my glowing Boss, Catherine. She's due ANYTIME this month!

(Today's my last day of work here at TAR College. I'm going to miss everybody dearly.)

Anyway, back to matters at hand. *clears throat* Lun wanted to take a free IQ test. So I googled one for him and he sat for it. After he got his score, I thought, what-the-hey, and decided to take the test too! And my results were:

And that means....

...I'd only JUST made it into the Gifted Category, nestling myself comfortably among the 2.3% of other gifted test takers. (According to their IQ Test Score Guide) Lovely space! *chuckles*

What a load of rubbish!

I must say though, I just whacked out at the math questions but scored at linguistics and visual-related IQ questions. This just goes to confirm that I am DEFINITELY more right-brained than left. *smiles*

You feel like taking it too? I'm sure you'd prolly do better than me, so by all means, go ahead!

http://www.free-iqtest.net

More updates later!

Phoebe Got Gig! (or Saturdays)

2008-07-07T06:00:00.002-05:00

As many of you know, I performed for the Open Mic Sessions at Acoustic LiveHouse, Urbanscapes at KLPAC two Saturdays ago. The aftermath? None to show at the mo. No pictures, no videos. Haha, but I will share something funny that happened last Saturday though.

(Via Text Messaging)
Esther Lin: Phoebe, I just saw you on RTM1 (tv)!
Phoebe: WHAT?!
Esther Lin: You were singing. (Advertisement) It was just a moment. You and your band.

I never got to watch it. *smiles*

In other news, my final day of employment with the big TARC is this Wednesday! I'm going to be concentrating on some personal projects between the now and takeoff! This includes video-editing, illustrating, plasticine-and-ceramic-molding, dating and performing!

Speaking of which, I have a gig in town this Saturday actually! More details to follow when I have some to give.

So that's the snippet of The Phoebe Show for now. Stay Tuned for more! *chuckles*

Thanks. Really.

2008-07-07T05:45:00.000-05:00

I've been so touched. My Selayang friends, and vocal students took me out for supper, where they made me drink a tall glass of durian and watermelon gunk! It was heavy, let me tell you! I was burping durian for the rest of the night! They planned a proper farewell in The Curve for yesterday, but there was news that a riot would happen so that got cancelled. But that itself, made me feel loved!

My church girls are celebrating my farewell soon. In August. And i absolutely look forward to that. I have no idea what's in store, but them just planning something like that for me.... makes me feel even more heavy to part. They've been practically family to me! You guys know who you are! *winks*

My ShekinahKids are planning something for me come end of this month.....I can feel it! I've already received an invitation to attend and am excited to hang out with them! My sisters are buying me my bus-ticket down to Taiping! (Which is totally awesome, saving me a trip all the way down to Pudu Raya.)

End of Phoebe Show transmission. for now.

My Future Decided

2008-07-07T03:46:00.005-05:00

Like i blogged a couple of months ago (and just to refresh memories here), I am going to the States....soon.

How soon?

That soon!

The countdown's begun and it is freaking me out. I have a little more than a month to visit/hangout/sleepover/talk/mamak with all my friends who can be available between now and take-off, chill with my family, and to pack, pack, PACK! Gosh.... just typing the word "PACK" already makes me feel exhausted! I've got a major pile of rubbish at my temporary abode in Wangsa Maju, and I hate the thought of having to fold everything up and bag it. Gah. The inanity of it all!

But oh well. Nothing has ever come easy and it's not about to start. I just have to grin and bear with, cause I have the most incredible future ahead of me. I just know it!

Ever grateful to my One and Only for paving the way for me to go overseas. You're so amazing. No words can describe how complete you make me feel, even in my times of fear, frustration and sorrow. The partial sponsorship was a pleasant surprise and just your way of encouraging me and I promise to do my bestest!

And the excitement continues to brew! My University application went by in a flash, so did my VISA. (Although it was quite a hassling process!) Even that has already been approved and my flight ticket's confirmed. There are people in Minnesota who are expecting me even! And me? I'm almost exploding!

So much to do, so much to say..... and hardly any time to do everything. I'll be away for two years, you see. Gotta make sure i leave a sizeable imprint on the lives of the people around me before i fly, less i return to a bunch of strangers! *laughs*

That's it for the Phoebe Show. Come back and look for updates!

Passion Is Coming to Town!

2008-07-04T00:28:00.004-05:00

Guys, PASSION is happening gabsmack in KL! If you haven't already registered for passes online, DO IT NOW! It's going FAST!

It's going to be an amazing event schooled for the collegiate generation - facilitated by the likes of Louie Giglio (!!!), David Crowder (!!!!), Charlie Hall, Chris Tomlin, etc. - welcoming us to Jesus; in the most amazing of perspectives - periscopes that finally gives us some semblance of coherence so as to resolve the confusion that is us. I guarantee God will blow us all away! And I'm excited!

ARE YOU GOING?

I am. It's been an event I've been waiting for since I was a wee eleven year old lass. Just about the time i discovered my other love...

SWITCHFOOT.

Feeling a little deluged in nostalgia at the moment. Musn't let myself go too deep.

*chuckles* I just might kill us all.

More Writings

2008-07-01T04:35:00.005-05:00

This happened awhile back actually. Some of my short fiction pieces have been featured on this website called:

http://555stories.com/

To read them or just browse through, click "Short Fictions" and scroll (middle scroller) all the way down to the bottom.

There should be a list of my stuff down there somewhere.

Alternatively, you can view the "text only" page, by clicking here:

http://555stories.com/phoebe.html

Disclaimer:
There are stories with elements of death and suicide merely because they were initially writing assignments for an english class. I just thought I've spent too much time on them and that it deserves a little public eye and critique. Feel free to browse and make comments!

Urbanscapes@KLPAC

2008-06-26T02:10:00.006-05:00

Phoebe is playing for the Open Mic Sessions this Saturday (28th June, 2008) at KL Performing Arts Center. I'll be up between 1:30 - 3:30pm. Come Support?

Check out the Event's Schedules here!
http://www.urbanscapes.com.my/images/schedule.jpg

How to get there?
http://www.urbanscapes.com.my/eventmap.html

General Details:
http://www.urbanscapes.com.my/

Facebook Group:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=19551190811

From Vincent

2008-05-20T08:26:00.005-05:00

The SleepOver Aftermath.

Thanks Vincent.
You're the coolest 21 year old I know.

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-08T01:42:00.001-05:00

11th May, 2008

Happy Mother's Day, Mom (and to all the great mothers, I know!)

Love,
Phoebe Lee Mathius

BRAaaaAAggGGH!

2008-04-12T00:19:00.002-05:00

It flew.

Again.

In little or no time at all.

My temper.

Pointless justifying it.

I ache so when i type this.

My weakness, my fury.

I'm sorry.

Breakable By Ingrid Michaelson

2008-04-08T03:37:00.003-05:00

Have you ever thought about
what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones
and other various parts.

So it's fairly simple
to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle
that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable,
breakable,
breakable
girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt
because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap
I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face
that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places
I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable,
breakable,
breakable
girls and boys.

My Wacky Birthday

2008-03-31T09:25:00.004-05:00

As promised, an entry of one of the craziest birthdays I'd ever had! These were some of the most awesome gifts I have ever received in my entire Phoestory!

A pink handbag. (Note: PINK) Thanks Michelle Foo!

A handrawn card (entirely by pencil) attached to a banana cake. Thanks Jamie Khoo!

I am so totally crazy over this one! A gecko night lamp from THAILAND! Thanks Raymond & Suresh!

Ceramic Fuzzy Birthday Bear. (Note: Fuzzy yet CERAMIC) Thanks Parmena!

Editted photo. (Note: YELLOW CAR!! *smack*) Fantastic photoshopping by Tabbies. Thanks love!

MY WOODEN GIRAFFE. (Note: WOODEN GIRRAFFEEE!!!) It's about one metre tall! Thanks again Tabitha Ong!

Red hair. (Note: RED) Absolutely went beserk over this surprise! Thank you, dear. You know who you are.

[Green retro beads from ENVEE. No picture available. Yet.]
I love them to shreds! Thanks Seetha & Melissa!

[Big, big white towel worth RM30. Picture not available. Yet.]

Witty, witty gift from Joash and May. Thank You!

I truly felt loved! I love suprises and unique taste in gifts. I almost never care about the price tag - although i do acknowledge my friends who have parted with many a dollar to put a smile on my face. Nevertheless, I'm glad you guys are just up my alley. And all I feel right now, is love.

Thank you guys, for an awesome birthday!

What have I accomplished?

2008-03-31T02:00:00.006-05:00

It's crazy how time passes. It's the end of March, as it is. Didn't we just celebrate the new year?

I turned 22, two thursdays ago. (I received some pretty wacky gifts, by the way and will blog about them sometime soon.) But where did all my years go? What, on purple earth, have i been doing? I don't so much as HAVE bragging rights to having completed...ANYTHING!

I'm supposed to be leaving for America this Fall. Fall seemed so far away a couple of months back. But now... it's a measely 5 months away. 5 months and I'm leaving. How did it become so soon?

It scares me how i'm never really in control of my life. Especially the timeline. I mean, sure, i can plan. Hardly anything goes my way though. I don't wanna just be the spectator. I wanna be etching milestones and planting them at every mile. I wanna be leaving a legacy....proper!

If i die today, would i ever be able to live with myself-in-the-eternal-realm knowing that all I've done was watch time pass me by?

I feel like I'm running out of time - and at most times, i feel like i am THIS close to hitting the "panic" button. and just...

...screaming.

...screaming.

and

...SCREAMING.

Nevertheless, no matter how inadequate i am at running my life, it is a blessed assurance to know that I have a Hero who's watching my back. Never let me go.

Currently, listening to: "Jesus, take the wheel." - Kerry Underwood

True Malaysian

2008-03-27T22:25:00.005-05:00

There is a rat infestation around my apartment area - leaving me most grateful that i live on the fourth floor. (Before, it's just been me grumbling all the way up those bleeding steps.) HOWEVER, this isn't the story.

We have about three regular domesticated felines royally parking their soft, fuzzy behinds outside our doors and on the steps; patrolling the pavements of my block with dainty, annoying paws. You'd think... (yes, YOU!) You'd at least THINK they'd serve as a comfort somewhat; well, simply leaning full-body-weight onto the very logic that cats eat rats. (Garfield is a slob. Not counted.)

But for the benefit of my readers who got sidetracked by that Garfield comment, let's just say that again.

CATS eat RATS.

LIES! All of it!
For I, Phoebe Lee Mathius, have with mine own eyes, beheld the very treachery of the feline-moronic-beings. They betray us! They betray us!

Here! My account of the atrocious crime:

We had just arrived at the foot of our building, my sister and i, and were walking through the Rat Crossing alley. (We've named it that now as it is not uncommon for us to see up to 3 FAT rabid, crusty-furred rodents running by; one of them randomly looking up at us with a quick "hello-how-do-you-do" nod, before heading off their merry way, disappearing into the deep, deep darkness - leaving very little trace of their pilgrimage. Some claim to have seen the tiny, glowing halos hovering over their heads.)

*Skin crawls*

Seeing as we almost always bump into a rat or two at the Crossing, we usually stop to wait for the demonic creatures to pass (not unlike waiting to cross the road). But today, hoho, today! When we came upon the Crossing, there were two cats by us (it was a very busy freeway that night, you see)! We looked at each other, my sister and i, and declared (telepathically, of course), "Today, we will triumph over all rodent-kind! Death to the Rabid Rodents!...

....DEATH!"

And we watched and watched in earnest, as the cats approached the Crossing. To our already miserable and unfortunate existence, (or in other words - utter, utter ... bewilderment) (some may even refer to this as an "out-of-body experience"), they STOPPED! They stopped to wait. Just like we did! As if there was a bleeding traffic light hanging somewheres, and it had just turned bleeding RED! Gah!

As the three RATS (perhaps the very same ones) ran by, wagging their insulting tails behind them, I squatted by a brown-gold like feline and with pleading eyes, begged: "Do as you have been destined! Go! I charge thee! Let there be a massacre! Let today be written on the history books of Rodentdom forever! Let there be....

....BLOOD!"

All to no avail.

I hung my head in shame, for all felines, that night. And as we walked through the Crossing, I turned to my sister and mumbled in my bereavement, "Apparently, in this new era, cats and rats live in peace and harmony..."

My little sister pats my back in act of consolation and said to me that night what i believe to be true words of wisdom. Wisdom beyond her years.

"They be true blue Malaysians."

Ya heard?

Random Conversation

2008-03-24T02:15:00.005-05:00

I went to the next building to buy myself some thick, gooey mango juice.

PersonSellingJuice: What can I get you?

HappyPhoebe: Ice blended Mango Juice!

PersonSellingJuice: With Ice?

BlurPhoebe: ....

And mind you, THIS he did on two separate occassions, weeks apart. I thought it was blurness the first time, or him just making sure of the order; but now...

Reality Check

2008-03-24T01:53:00.003-05:00

Hey, broken pride
Did reality and nightmare finally coincide?
did you ever imagine that the day we died,
I'd never, never be his bride?

O dream, short-lived!
Each breath, you sting!
Why were we convinced? I believed!
How did we end up a blasphemous fling?

Butter fingers, butter fingers
how quickly our hearts intertwined, released
Its desperate final grasps of hope
nothing lingers, nothing lingers
Broken pride, I'm dead! Are you pleased?

Are you pleased NOW? Or am I?
Now, in thick darkness,
I grope...
I hope...
you DOPE!

MEND! I charge you! Mend!
You broken thing of the past!
My hatred, my friend.
You shattered thing in my rib-cage
Barely beating; barely.....barely AGED!
Mend! I charge YOU!!!!

You're bigger than this, I tell you.
You're stronger than this!
Love as you perceived it was pure bliss
But where are we now? What is this?
WHAT IS THIS?

Foolish, foolish
broken pride.
Foolish, foolish, foolish.

The Star Online Newspaper

2008-03-02T00:46:00.001-06:00

Sunday March 2, 2008
Slammin’ time with poetry
By AHNAF

Malaysia’s first ever Poetry Slam was held in a trendy nightspot, cool people turned up, and fun was had. Who said poetry’s only for tortured souls with no social life?
YOU know, I rather enjoyed telling people what I did last Saturday. When they asked me about my night, I’d say, “Oh, I went to the Poetry Slam.”
Then I’d casually mention that it was held at The Loft at Zouk nightclub and watch their eyes bulge disbelievingly. Ahnaf? Club? Huh? Ahnaf doesn’t have a social life!

A high score from Phoebe Lee Mathius, one of the judges randomly picked from the Slam audience.

So ... on Feb 23, Malaysia had its first ever Poetry Slam, organised by Dram Projects with the support of Singapore-based literary organisation, WordForward. And by the end of the night, I was definitely noticing a pattern in people’s responses.
“So how was the Slam?” I’d ask them.
“Good,” they’d say. “Good ? very good ? good?.” Well, there was also an “excellent” thrown in for variety.
Slamming is not reading. In a Slam, poets compete against each other for up to three rounds. There aren’t any professional judges; instead, audience members are randomly chosen to give scores.
Given our kambing culture, I was expecting Malaysians to shy away from this kind of involvement. Well, I was wrong.

Malaysia’s inaugural Poetry Slam winner, George Wielgus, aka Mighty Jah-J, showing the rest how it’s done. – Photos by IBRAHIM MOHTAR / The Star

Things did start slow – the event was supposed to start at 7pm, but with typical Malaysian savoir-faire the poets waltzed in after 8pm – but by nine-ish the crowd had swelled to almost 200 people. It was a tight squeeze, but judging from all the talking, laughing, and cheering, no one minded.

Nine brave idio– er, individuals joined the first round. The Slam fell on the anniversary of poet John Keats’s death (if you went, “John who?”, shame on you, look him up on Wikipedia ? like I had to), so every poem in the first round had to use a line from Keats.
Strangely enough, the three girls in the group put on rather limp shows: Sheena Baharudin, 25, gave a ho-hum reading; Nurul Hamizah Muhamad, 20, put on some rather half-hearted sass; and an elegantly-dressed 30-something Kathleen Choo failed to impress with a morbidly melodramatic love poem that had the audience impatiently snapping their fingers.
Which left six guys for round two. Joe Hafiz, 28, went from a cute rumination on his New Year weight-loss resolution to a more serious, introspective poem. Unfortunately, his rather muted delivery couldn’t carry him into the next round.
Hugo Yap, 19, followed up his earlier irreverent, whimsical verse with some short, raw angst. I liked its directness, but his nervousness was evident and flattened his delivery, torpedoing his shot at round three.
The four guys who made it to the last round had much stronger stage presences. Nick Green, 19, took fourth place with some brief poems that were more swagger than substance, but entertaining anyway.
Just a shade away from second place was See Tshiung Han, 27, whose long, meditative poems completely escaped me, but whose earnest, intellectual demeanour thoroughly convinced me of their quality.
First runner-up was Reza Rosli, 28, who played the sincere, oh-so-shy underdog. He had some interesting images and topics, like his first poem about crabs (the animal, not the disease).
The undisputed champion, though, was George Wielgus, 24. Wielgus’ poems (Wine, Women, and Weed, Word Porn, and Civil Disobedience) were a bit one-track – too many references to sex and booze and everything else people talk about when they think they’re being rebellious – but he was an outrageously gripping and entertaining performer. The man can certainly hold a crowd!
“I love people having a good time,” he said later. “People were laughing, clapping, cheering – I love being able to do that for people.”
Wielgus also said that he didn’t really care about the marks since it was all quite subjective, though he admitted that getting them was “nerve-wracking”.
For the audience, though, it was a completely enjoyable experience.

“I actually found it really, really fun,” said Phoebe Lee Mathius, one of the randomly selected judges. “You have to pay attention to other things, not just the words, like performance, the way they are, expressions.?”
What did she look for while judging? The “poet’s heart’s voice”, she replied, noting that sometimes you could really feel a poet pouring him or herself into the poem.

The people behind the Slam were certainly happy, with WordForward’s Chris Mooney-Singh calling it a “good opening gambit”, and a Zouk marketing employee saying that the club would definitely host the event again.
“What I was really happy about,” said the organiser, Dram Projects’ Daphne Lee, in a later e-mail, “Was that the audience wasn’t made up of the people I usually see at other local spoken-word events.
“It’s what Chris and I hoped for, that we’d attract a different crowd of people because of the venue and the nature of the event.”
The Point, as the Slam slogan goes, is not the Points; the Point is the Poetry. But really, I felt the point was actually Fun. People weren’t swanning around with lit degrees and dissecting every syllable, they were out to have a good time – and they had it.
So, if you’re looking to join the fun, or if like me, you need the illusion of a social life, look out in April for the next KL Poetry Slam – and invite me along!

This story may be found at *click!*

(Star Online Newspaper)

Switchfoot Rocked the Boat!

2008-02-07T01:30:00.003-06:00

Thursday February 7, 2008

Positive vibrations
By NASA MARIA ENTABAN

Switchfoot played Kuala Lumpur on the last stop of their Oh! Gravity tour.

Switchfoot turned up the volume for clean-cut rock action during its KL visit last week.
DON’T pity us,” said Switchfoot lead vocalist Jon Foreman as he sat relaxed with his surfing buddies and band mates in the room full of reporters, just an hour after stepping off the plane from Singapore.
The very tanned five best friends from San Diego, California, hadn’t had anything to eat, appeared tired, but were in surprisingly high spirits.
“We sort of organised this tour around surfing. We got to surf in places we’ve never been to before, like Bali, so don’t pity us,” he reiterated with a laugh.
Jon and his brother Tim (bass, backup vocals), Chad Butler (drums), Drew Shirley (guitar) and Jerome Fontamillas (guitar, keyboard, backup vocals) were on the last stop of their Oh! Gravity tour, after performing in Singapore, Jakarta, Bali and New Zealand.
Notorious for their intensive touring, they were visibly excited to be in Kuala Lumpur for the first time.
While many bands crumble after a few years, forced to perform songs they don’t even like and becoming jaded, Switchfoot remain down to earth, thanks to the incredible friendship they share.
“We’re like brothers of different mothers. We’re best buds,” said Jon. The guys even have their own surfing team back home in San Diego.
Switchfoot has recently become an independent band, after severing ties with Columbia Records.
“We’re in the middle of building our studio in San Diego, and plan to make the next few records there. It’s really exciting because now we can do whatever we want, there’s nothing in our way anymore,” expressed Jon.
The guys also have big hearts, being heavily involved in charity.
During their last tour they raised US$100,000 (RM330,000) to build houses for the poor through the charity Habitat For Humanity.
Throughout the band’s concert at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre last Saturday, it felt like a mamak session with friends – the spoke of the mysteries of life and agonised over why there are inconsistencies in the world.
That’s just what these surfer dudes are about – six albums into their music careers, they are questioning their surroundings, “politics of the heart”, and life in general.
A stellar set of 15 songs enthralled the young crowd of 2,000 – however the fervour shown by the fans almost made it sound like there were 10,000 people in the enclosed, non-smoking hall. The KL show was organised by One Armed Productions.
After making a grand entrance clad in good ol’ jeans and T-shirts, and declaring “Mari kita rock sungguh-sungguh’ (let’s rock hard), the guys tore into the hit from their latest album of the same name, Oh! Gravity.
From then on, it was an hour and a half of intense rock concert perfection.
The band, which has played more than 1,000 shows around the world, is one of those rare bands that sound better live, interacting with the audience and just having heaps of good, clean fun.
Switchfoot’s slower songs like On Fire, Only Hope (from the A Walk to Remember soundtrack) and This is Your Life showcased Jon’s excellent vocals, but the band was in its element during the more upbeat songs like American Dream, Awakening, Dirty Second Hands, Stars and We Are One Tonight.
As the evening drew to a close at 10.30pm, the band sent goose bumps through the crowd with its hit Meant to Live.
Leaving the stage briefly, the band returned with Jon donning an “I Love KL” T-shirt. These energetic rockers fittingly ended the concert with the anthem Dare You to Move, which sent the crowd into a frenzy.
Rest assured, nobody left this concert disappointed.

Find this story here.
(Excerpt taken from The Star Online Newspaper)

Switchfoot Concert

2008-02-02T01:01:00.011-06:00

SWITCHFOOT WAS AWESOME.

Ooooh. Let's see that again.

SWITCHFOOT WAS AWESOME.

Nnnnice.

'Nough said 'bout the concert, i suppose. The turnout wasn't that great...but to heck with that! I'm just grateful to the guys who brought them down, Kok Wing Meng and Love Me Butch, etc....giving Phoebe the opportunity to hear her Switchfoot, live! Especially in her Moments of Low, her February of Sorrow. *chuckles*

A Huge THANK YOU to my dearest friends, Raymond and Suresh, for getting me the ticket for Christmas! Nobody else could top that off!

*smiles headily*

I knew 2008 was the beginning of better things. It'll be alright, you'll see.

Freedom Talk

2008-01-31T10:34:00.000-06:00

I'm free.

Finally.

Wearing a Mask

2008-01-29T22:24:00.005-06:00

BEFORE

AFTER
An editting session.
Jumbled up a couple of filters on CS2.
So here's the before and after.
Just getting to know the darned software.

Don't Know Why I Didn't Come

2008-01-25T02:11:00.000-06:00

It's definitely too late for apologies so i shan't bother. I wasn't here for Christmas and neither was I for New Year's. Sue me.

Decembers have always been and always will be my most occupied time of the year. And if it were a race, my Januaries would come in second. But i'm not being read for my daft excuses as to how busy I was the past couple of months, neither am i being read for my boo-hoo reasons of why i shouldn't have even started a blog anyway due to my severe lack of discipline for it.

Come to think of it, I have no idea why i'm still being read. (Using this opportunity to thank the two of you who log on religiously to get your daily supply of Pocket Tissues.) All I know is, it's a new year.

Gosh, I have to let that sink in. It's a new year!

Too late to mourn for lost time, too late to make resolutions, too late for apologies. What's my new year good for? At least, that was the exasperating question that has been swirling off the top of my cranium for the past few days. It isn't anymore.

I have been suffering gastiritis for the past week. That's what the doc said anyway. Well technically, no. He suspected indisgestion, but experienced buddies told me that it was really gastric pains that was sending my stomach AWOL. Nothing Actal pills couldn't cure though.

*whispers*

I've always just suspected that it was an insurgence of little purple smurfs, having the time of their lives just hacking away at the walls of my fragile stomach.

It's my stomach. I have a say too.

But going through the pain for a week, I felt almost robbed of my time. There was just so much i wanted to do, but i was so restricted by my cage of pain then that all i could do was just sit around and be sick all day. I couldn't so much as breathe without aching. i resolved to thinking instead. Brilliant idea, right?

Wrong.

"What's the new year for then?" I interrogate myself. Do i feel any 'newer'? Do I forget mistakes of the past and press on with much valor only to make new ones? And if one is allowed to be sarcastic, the purpose of the new year would be: EXASPERATION. Hah!

Truthfully, I think I'm just tired at the fact that I'm human. I'm exhausted at the thought of making my kajillionth mistake for the kajillionth time! But then again, who isn't tired? Why be like everybody else? Why be tired? Why be human for that matter?

Blah.

So yeah, gastric-smurfaritis does that to people. It causes you to think of things you really don't want to. they cause you to make heavy attempts at answering rhetorical questions. They cause you to think like the loneliest, and the most insignificant person on the planet - and then when it leaves....

.....Hoho, if the bleeding pain ever leaves, it leaves you in want... in the sickening desire to actually have answers to impossible questions.

Sigh.

I miss being human in my innocence. I miss being able to be human and still dream. I miss being human and the ability to be reckless.

Lord, help me learn from my mistakes. Not cower behind the fact that I've done them and suffered the ugly consequences.

Lord, help me live.
Lord, I can't wait for the Switchfoot concert!

So, what's my new year for?

For unborn ideas waiting to be delivered.

For dreams yet to be dreamt.

For goals yet to be achieved.

For love yet to be conceived.

For healing yet to complete.

For mistakes yet to occur.

For friends yet to be made.

For the God yet to be experienced.

And all bleeding thanks to gastric-smurfaritis! Hurrah!

Freedom Talk

2008-01-23T10:39:00.000-06:00

A day I wish never was.

Nevertheless, it's a good time to forget.

It's a good time to forgive.

New Compositions : I Lose

2008-01-17T20:55:00.000-06:00

I LOSE
by Phoebe Lee Mathius

VI:
You're my design
I made you the way you are
You'll never find
Someone other

Prechorus I:
Still you go away
in your impatience
all i can say is stay
and promise you aviation, my love
i promise you aviation, my love

Chorus:
So i lose you to
Things i don't compete with
Things i thought would never precede me
So i lose you toa beautiful discovery
So tangible, So carefree
mesmerizing you
away from me
away from me

VII:
You are my dream
I saw you the way you are
You'll never seem
like someone other

Prechorus II:
Still you steal away
in your disillusion
Don't go, please stay
I promise you aviation, my love
I promise you aviation, my love

Chorus:
So i lose you to
Things i don't compete with
Things i thought would never precede me
So i lose you toa beautiful discovery
So tangible, So carefree
mesmerizing you
away from me
away from me...

New Compositions : You Inside Me

2008-01-17T20:51:00.000-06:00

by Phoebe Lee Mathius

Just like the heels that kill my soles
Iniquity - it bores a hole
Into my heart
Into my head
Alive yet faint
Breathing yet dead

Just like the hurt that hides behind my smile
Dishonesty torments me all the while
stabbing my lungs
wounding my mind
let me escape
oh, let me find....

Chorus:
You
fill the void building in-
Side
you covered and you saved
Me
You Inside Me

Chorus 2:
You
clear the hate building in-
Side
you colored and you said you loved
Me
You Inside Me

The Rumour is True!

2008-01-04T01:26:00.002-06:00

Switchfoot to rock Malaysia

SURF'S up Malaysia! Modern rock outfit Switchfoot will be hitting our shores for the first time on Feb 2 so don't miss this opportunity to catch this American act live at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre (Hall 4).
Known for energetic live performances, the band, consisting of Jon Foreman (vocals, guitar), Tim Foreman (bass), Chad Butler (drums), Jerome Fontamillas (guitar, keyboards, backing vox) and Drew Shirley (guitar) will be bringing on ‘The Switchfoot sound’ – a melodic crunch of densely layered noise which includes electronic experimentation, hard-driving guitar riffs and a few spacey ballads for good measure.

Rock outfit Switchfoot will be performing at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre in Kuala Lumpur on Feb 2.

The San Diego-raised band members are also avid surfers and got their name from a surfing term and gained mainstream recognition with the 2003 album The Beautiful Letdown, which has sold 2.3 million copies and featured hit singles such as Meant To Live and Dare You To Move.
Switchfoot was formed way back in 1996 and its latest effort Oh! Gravity was released at the tail end of 2006.
Switchfoot's concert in Kuala Lumpur on Feb 2 is presented by One Armed Productions.
Opening act is Love Me Butch. Tickets, now on sale, are priced at RM123 (pre-sale) and available at Axcess Tickets counters. Hotline is 03-7711 5000.
Browse (http://www.onearmed.net/) or (http://www.axcess.com.my/) for ticket outlets across the country.

Find this story online. Here.

Yet I Love.

2007-12-04T02:45:00.000-06:00

It’s been a good few months since I entered this after-life. It was probably for the best, leaving that world for the next. I’ll probably be saying the same thing when I leave for my subsequent world next year, I expect. No argument there. But there’s so much missing still.

Human beings are so frail.

I am. You are.

As fickle as touch-me-nots at the side of the road. As permanent as the Christmas décor put up each year. We change and expect the world to change with us. I change and expect you to understand. You change and expect me to take that transit flight with you.

Change and Expectations. Is this what life is all about?

If it was, then would it be fair for anyone to say, that they’re tired of change? This perspective may be a little out of proportion. But this is one truth. I’m tired of waking up from my dreams. I’m tired of finding out that the happiness I’d felt had only meant to be an interim intermission between the then and now. I’m tired of the accumulating bags of hindsight and tears slung over my shoulder; I’m tired of waving off my deepest regrets and saying, “It was probably for the best.” I’m tired of trading in my innocence for the pointless wisdom of the world. (Bah, wisdom? Balderdash!)

Surely; Surely, there must be something more true. More divine. (Like… God.) More permanent. (Like joy.) More ...right. (Like integrity.) Why must I settle for second best? Why must I chase short-termed happiness? Why must my heart die a thousand deaths before I discover this? Why must I reach a point of desperation before I finally understand why?

I suppose there’s my solution right there. In order to touch him, I must be compelled into a position of sacrifice, of giving. I asked for this. I remember.

“Teach me to love the way you do.” I asked him that.

Clearly, I didn’t know what I was asking for.

He was betrayed, yet he loved. He was turned against, yet he loved. He was gossiped about, yet he loved. He was harmed, yet he loved. He was broken, yet he loved.

Can I ever truly get this?

I was betrayed, yet I ___________.
I was gossiped about, yet I ____________.
I was deceived, yet I _____________.
I was harmed, yet I _____________.
I was broken, yet I _____________.

Maybe discovering LOVE is what life’s all about. If it is, then it’s time I got to the point where:

I was ______________, yet I love.

Yet I LOVE.

New Compositions : A Few Months Later

2007-11-18T02:58:00.000-06:00

Lord, I am weak
And I am weary
And all I can think of
Is how cold it is
Outside

Can’t see what’s ahead
I can’t see behind my head
And all I can think of
Is how cold it is
Outside

Shed some light my way
Turn my night----- into day
And fill this emptiness~

A few months later
Would find me sitting in a little food place
Alone
Smiling at every other face
A few months later
Has found me sitting in a little food place
Alone
Strangers, but still saved by grace
Still saved by grace

Inhaling rust
Exhaling pain
I’ve lost my trust
To the blithering rain
Outside

Your face I keep
In the nooks and crannies
Of my mind’s deep
In my soul’s cold
I hide

Shed some light my way
Turn my night--- into day
And fill this emptiness~

A few months later
Would find me sitting in a little train
Alone
Staring at every other face
(How could I know?) A few months later
Would find me sitting in a little train
Alone
Strangers, but your grace sustains
Your grace sustains

New Compositions: Weary Eyes

2007-11-18T02:50:00.001-06:00

I've had the privilege of working with a good friend and musician for two weeks now, and it's been awesome! I now have several songs in the soup factory and it is BOILING!! Haha. Just thought the two (or few, no difference) of you who actually read my blog entries, might like a little teaser to my songs. So i'm gonna be posting up my new lyrics everytime i come up with new stuff. Afterwhich, they shall all be archived into: http://pocket-tissues.livejournal.com/ (This is basically where i stash all my lyrical compositions)

So without further ado, my first song in a long while:

WEARY EYES

VERSE I

Exhausted and it’s no surprise
It’s how I meet each day’s demise
And I’m all burnt out and tried
No pondering of hows and whys
It’s time I recognized
What my mind denies

PRE-CHORUS
Shadows merge to solids
Jovial smiles turn morbid, yeah

CHORUS
All I want to do
Is sit with you and hear you speak
And watch you dream
All I want to do
Is dance with you and be with you
Till I….
All I want to do
Is walk with you and watch you think
And see you breathe
So be with me till I
Have to close these weary eyes

BRIDGE
I know I’m a little tired
But only just a little
I’ll stay with you, if you don’t mind
For only just a little
I know I’m a little tired
But only just a little
Stay, please stay
Till I close this weary eyes

Over You - Chris Daughtry

2007-11-18T02:35:00.000-06:00

Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down,

Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left

Just left me cold and out of breath.

I fell too far, was in way too deep.

Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

And I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

From spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,

Dragged the memories down the hall,

Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.

And when you slammed the front door shut,

A lot of others opened up,

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

And I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

From spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.

And I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.

And I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

From spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

Well I'm putting my heart back together,

'Cause I got over you.

Well I got over you.

I got over you.

'Cause the day I thought

I'd never get through,

I got over you.

Progress

2007-10-29T03:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a heavy week for me. Chemistry and Physics MidTerms, church responsibilities, a good friend's engagement, a weekend sleepover, a good friend's house-shifting, assignments, and a proposal for an event-managing competition that eventually didn't work out (much to my disappointment).

but in the words of Tabitha Ong, "Nyahh, you don't need them anyway!"

*chuckles*

At the engagement of my friend, i bumped into a producer cum studio owner whom i'd previously met sometime ago. We talked music to pass the waiting time - and then he told me he'd heard a recording of me and my buddies. It wasn't a very professional recording; it was something me and my buddies had done for fun, as a tribute to our common passion for music-making. He spoke of the potential he could grasp as he heard the recording and i immediately took the cue. i asked him for his advice in helping me develop my sound.

yeah, i was fishing, blindfolded. But you can never tell what you can dish out.

To my surprise, he agreed. He shared about how his studio will be moving to SS13, and around INTI college subang jaya too (ss15)! And how he'd love to help get me guest musicians to help me make a professional demo, since i was serious in pursuing a career in music. Side-career, at the very least. :)

So that was Saturday.

Today, I was chatting on Windows Live Messenger and saw a new friend of mine online. He had previously messaged me some enquiries, and i hadn't replied him yet. so i decided to reply him via instant messaging. the beauty of technology! *chuckles* Now, this person happens to be a very good, all-rounded musician. Someway down the conversation, he offered to help me make a demo of "Far Away" my latest song. I threw in another song into the bargain, as i knew my song would be in good hands. "My Corner of the Sky" has a wicked riff that i had made up and i'd definitely needed all the help i can get.

Joash was online as well and randomly suggested we record a couple of songs over the upcoming school holidays with the youth of FCC. I was all up for it. The more projects the better, I say!

And just as simply as one can get into a conversation, my music ventures has begun to look far more promising than i'd ever expected in such a short span of time! Truly God knows the desires of one's heart, and just loves to surprise!

I AM PSYCHED!!

I loved my surprise gift, Lord. You are so amazing. Loving you more and more each passing day.

Congratulations!

2007-10-28T04:03:00.000-05:00

To the hottest couple in Melawati and Shah Alam,

CONGRATULATIONS
Judson and Getsy!
~You're Engaged!~

Even as you step into
this beautiful covenant together,
I pray that God continue to bless you
with the desires of your heart.
I pray that you cotinue to both grow in the Lord,
and that your faith be strengthened as you walk this road,
hand in hand.
I pray that you persevere through
whatever circumstance that may come your way -
Know that your Heavenly Father is always with you.
Let him continue to abide in your relationship,
and in your hearts,
just as you would keep
the heart of your better half in yours.

Your love will not be severed,
Even in the world's dictation of time,
The earth's forever.

Your love will not be severed,
Should boughs break, and cradles rock,
Through earth's forever.

Their love will not be severed,
Said the King to his seraphims,
Despite the limits..

...of the earth's forever.

Thisisme and a good friend of mine, Seetha, upon arrival.

Thisisme with fellowTaipinger, Suresh.
But he's been in KL for most of his life.
So i don't think it counts anymore.

Special thanks to photographer and her devices:
Seetha!

Hot Chocolate (or The Kid at Christmas)

2007-10-26T00:40:00.000-05:00

I bite into a sugar cracker and gently stir my little mug of thick, hot chocolate. I can hear tiny clinks of my teaspoon's ocassional meet with the ceramic-wall, on the inside.

Clink.

"Phoebe, don't dream! Hang the angel already!" I heard my elder sibling say. My 5-year-old stubby little fingers stopped playing with the little bell around the pretty angel's neck and began peering between the leaves for a place suitable to display it. That angel, I remembered, was my single, most favorite ornament then. After hanging the angel, I turned back to our little box of glittery decorations to pick another piece to hang on our Christmas tree. Something twinkled at the bottom. I reached for it.

Blink.

How the little bits of sugar on my crackers twinkle so. It reminds me so much of Christmas ornaments. My mug of hot chocolate reminded me even more of our favorite time of year. I chew my biscuit quietly in the deafeningly silent night. I bring the mug to my lips and take a long...

Sip.

"Don't take so long with your drink! When it gets cold, it's going to taste horrid!" I heard my mother say. "But I'm waiting for the marshmallow to melt," I heard myself protest, in a voice i'd forgotten and ceased to use for so many years now. How strange I sounded. I saw my mother put her hands on her hips to complete the "Look". Bah, I thought, rolling my eyes. As if that was going to work on me. It was then, that I noticed her hands looked different. They were pale-white and young. Where was the age,... the tan,... the freckles? "Well?" Mother prompted. The tiny heart that pumped in my little chest, began to beat furiously. Why was I so afraid? And as if by reflex, I quickly tipped the heavy cup higher, at a steeper angle. The brimming hot chocolate rushed down my throat, scalding my lips and tongue! My little eyes widened as I placed my cup down in a hurry.

Thud.

I place my little empty mug on my table. It's still warm from the hot drink that was in it. It gives me the best feeling in the world, hot chocolate. I feel sad somewhat that my mug is now void of the drink. It feels so much like my...

Heart.

Check. Mind. Check. Soul. Check. Body. Check. Strength. Check. Great! They're all in place, I thought, as I closed the envelope. Yes. That's my Christmas present to you this year, my friend forever. I'm sorry they're second hand. But they're all I have and ever can afford. I sealed the envelope with a kiss. I know you'll know how to use them. Yes, they are weak, tainted and a little broken. But only just a little. I smile meekly, ashamed of my immature attempt at deception. As if I could ever lie to you. But... you'll take them, won't you? You can make them new....,

Right?

Left? Why are there so many roads? And where do they all lead to? I was looking out into the world through my little left window. "Phoebe? What are you thinking? Are you alright?" I heard a gentle voice ask me. I turned to the driver's seat on my right, smiled sweetly and answered, "Oh, nothing. Yeah, I'm good. Just looking out the window." The voice laughed and said, "All right, we're at my house now. It has wireless internet connection, so you can use your laptop!" There was a certain kindness to the voice that I couldn't comprehend. "Coo~," I remember responding gratefully, still in my stupid grin. I gathered my things, opened my car door and stepped out.

Crunch.

Yum! More sugar crackers. Gosh, I miss Christmas! I distractedly reach out for the teaspoon laying idle in my empty, used heart.

Clink.

I think I need to fill it with more hot chocolate.

Deb Talan

2007-10-24T23:13:00.000-05:00

I was at Tabitha's place some time back, doing my assignments, and i overheard a song she was playing. The contributing artist was Deb Talan and the song she was playing was, "Forgiven." I fell in love with it immediately! Tabitha gave me a few other mp3s and I downloaded a few too, and so now i have 8 songs in my stash so far. And i already love every one of them! The one on the tippy top of my Deb Talan Chart at the mo, has just GOT to be, "Comfort." So here it is. The lyrics.

When everyone has gone to sleep
And you are wide awake

there's no one left to tell your troubles to

Just an hour ago, you listened to their voices

lilting like a river over underground

and the light from downstairs came up soft like daybreak

dimly as the heartache of a lonely child

If you can't remember a better time

you can have mine, little one

In days to come when your heart feels undone

may you always find an open hand

and take comfort wherever you can

And oh, it's a strange place

And oh, everyone with a different face

but just like you thought
when you stopped here to linger

we're only as separate as your little fingers

So cry, why not? we all do

then turn to one you love

and smile a smile that lights up all the room

Follow your dreams in through every out-door

it seems that's what we're here for

And when you can't remember a better time

you can have mine, little one

In days to come when your heart feels undone

may you always find an open hand

and take comfort, there is comfort

Take comfort wherever you can, you can,

You can.

Press On, Babe!

2007-10-02T02:27:00.000-05:00

Printed on card:

"Phoebe Mathius (American Degree Transfer Program):

Press On, Babe!

Michelle"

You have no idea how much i'd almost wanted to burst into tears then.

Earlier today, I had been feeling quite miserable. I had begun warring with my thoughts since before my 8am Chemistry class and it was beginning to take its toll on me. My courage and self-esteem level was dropping drastically at every argument and i was beginning to feel exhausted from being so brave. Still, my mind was relentless and cruelly persisted in coming up with the most hurtful and provoking of questions and thoughts.

I had brought my Bible to school today as always, and i was so glad to run away by myself after class to read. I knew i could always count on God to hear my distress; to comfort and strengthen me - with merely a whisper. And whisper he did.

Psalm 65:7

"You who still the noise of the seas,

The noise of their waves,

And the tumult of the peoples."

All i could do was just sit in awe and wonder of him. He truly knew. Instantly, i felt his significance in me just seep in again. He reminded me, at the snap of his fingers, of the dreams he gave me, the race i was running, the purpose in my life that had yet to be fulfilled. God was really getting me to refocus on him, the bigger picture. And i was so humbled. He whispered more promises through his word and i have scribbled them down on my journal. I came away from my corner, feeling like God himself had given me the biggest hug in history.

But it didn't end there.

It was then that i received a text message informing me that i had to collect something at the Department of Economics. I was bewildered. I mean, what on earth? I wasn't even an accounting or business student! I knew Michelle was, but not me! I headed to Wisma HELP cautiously, wary of a practical joke. But i needn't have worried. I was given this lovely breakfast package and it had a bloomin' rose! Can you believe it? A ROSE! My first this year! (See picture above.)

Reading the card was like getting struck by lightning. "Press On" were the two words I KNEW God was trying to say to me! My skin tingled, my palms were sweaty and my eyes were very close to flooding. Even as i type this, my single rose stalk rests in a bottle on my sister's office desk. It will serve as a reminder to me for years to come. Thank you so much, Michelle Melissa Foo, for being such an inspiration.

As if that wasn't enough. I receive a call from the lovely Tabitha just before lunch. She called and was just being her bubbly self. We talked about things irrelevant and otherwise *chuckles*, as usual. Surely, she couldn't have known how much i'd needed her kind attention and time, right at that moment? It's crazy how God works, but I am not complaining. He has apt timing! *laughs* Thank you for being my ambassador for encouragement, Tabitha Ong.

Thank you, Lord, My Friend Forever, for being here for me. My heart is yours Always.

What A Friend I've Found

2007-09-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

What a friend I've found

Closer than a brother

I have felt your touch

More intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found

More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart

To ever lose each other

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, friend forever

~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~

Forever.

ever glad that my Lord never changes.

his love, his hopes, his amourous promises,

his dreams and ultimate plans for me

- has never changed; he is eternity

regardless of my frailty,

despite my immaturity.

ever comitted for the long haul

even though his plans, i tend to stall

even though i've built, around me, a wall

he breaks through, the moment i call.

regardless of my frailty,

despite my immaturity.

Never been afraid to call me his

he holds my hand, Oh what bliss!

ever beaming at my every progress

ever present in my times of distress

regardless of my frailty,

despite my immaturity.

"...Jesus

friend forever."

- Written by Phoebe Lee Mathius

(A Simple Note of Love and Thanks to my Lover, Friend and Savior.)

Remnants

2007-09-30T05:01:00.000-05:00

"I'm still not used to your absence
everywhere around me
lips move yet mouth nothing but silence
i tune out visually
everything else pales at the remembrance of you
you're with me each time i exhale
and i, in turn, inhale remnants of you." (-Phoebe Lee Mathius)

Round and round
like a broken record
Unsettling sounds
Like when sharpening swords

Unsettling thoughts
Leave me lost, never found
Unsettled heart
Like a ripple, drowned

Unsettled mind
Prostrates me to the ground
Round and round
my delirium abounds.

Exhausted, I am
beyond comprehension
Writing now
to ease the tension.

Yet...
You see me, You hear me
i have Your attention
You always stay with me
my divine intervention.

i'm never alone. Stay with me, Lord.

Jonahs.

2007-09-30T04:50:00.000-05:00

was reading Jonah. amazing how it's so easy for me to judge him so quickly before, when i was younger. reading it again, i've realized how much of a human jonah was. he was a prophet and that never stopped him from being a guy. The whole running away to Tarshish thing was so typical. :) but then all of a sudden, his life became my life. i almost knew how he felt back then and why he didn't want the Ninevites to be saved. these were people who had ravished their land, stolen, broken their investments and livelihood. he felt betrayed, that justice was not going to be served! Then God tried to remind him that the Ninevites were still His creation, that they were still his beloved - just how Jonah and his people were.

and that's why jonah is one of the truest examples of why God's love is just beyond our comprehension!

note that his obedience never truly marked his understanding of why God was giving Nineveh a second chance. This is exactly what I went through/am going through. I never truly understood why i had to do things i were made to do, but i still did it anyway - in ignorance of the bigger picture. (i can see why it is frustrating for many who go through the same thing.)

God gave Jonah a near-death (big fish) experience and still he never got it! GAH! did he need a lightning bolt to fry his innards to make him see the way God sees or something? we will never know! nevertheless, this has just awakened me spiritually. it's truly scary. i don't wanna be walking around still zombified in my distorted beliefs and history - even after my "near-death" experience!

God saved the Ninevites from destruction in Jonah's story. if i keep my story parallel to Jonah's, then God must've saved somebody from destruction in my story! and i might only know who/what/where/why/how in years to come. (that, or i might never know at all!) Nonetheless, these mysteries of God compels me to believe that He's just all the more hands-on in my life.

I love you, Lord. Don't ever let me go.

A Piercing Truth

2007-09-21T08:46:00.000-05:00

"Obstacles are put in your way

to see if what you want

is really worth fighting for."

I saw this on a little girl's status message today, and i was momentarily stunned at its piercing truth. I'm not sure where she gets these stellar phrases, but i was just torn apart at the sight of it.

how many times have i just failed to show that what i wanted or desired, was really worth the fight? Worth the effort, condemnation, pain and frustration? How many times have i just opted to pull out? To complain?

And in context to what i've been going through as of late, it just served as a form of confirmation. I'd been trying to justify the circumstances, reason out possibilities, play the blame game, suppress my brokenness and weakness....

I just have to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. This is not the time to falter. It's not the time to give up. I refuse to let myself believe that this is the way things usually work. I will press on and take the road less traveled.

In the words of the wise Dory, in Finding Nemo,

"just keep swimming,

just keep swimming,

swimming swimming,

what do we do?

we swim... "

*chuckles*

Looking forward to the fulfillment of our higher calling. This wasn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to merely survive. On the contrary! I want to.....

Thrive. Grow. Learn. Mature. Dream.

Believe. Trust. Love. Forgive. Laugh. Live.

I want to believe amidst doubt. Strip myself from hypocrisy. I want my faith to be fueled by innocence again. I want to be able to love with all my heart. I want to be able to see the way God does.

I want to remember that:

"Obstacles are put in my way
to see if what i want
is really worth fighting for."

Just keep swimming, phoebe. just keep swimming.

I Never Thought

2007-09-21T03:29:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd live to see the day....

.......Fried Petai and Minced Meat Sambal served as an official dish with rice. I didn't even know it was legal (in accordance to "Ye Ole Cook-Parchment")!

I never thought I'd live to see the day....

Theme: Champion (Phil 4:13)
Date: 10-13 December 2007
Venue: Taiping Golf Resort, Taiping
Cost: RM240 (RM20 refund for early birds at the camp: 20th November 2007)
Speaker: Mike Pivalachi

....... HUGE camp be held in Taiping! Maybe they're running out of venues to place it at, maybe they needed a little more tranquility, - heck, maybe they even like Taiping! All i know is that my youth group is LOVING the idea. *chuckles*

I never thought i'd live to see the day......

.........I'd actually graduate, let alone leave the country! I still can't believe i'm going to Bermidji State University (Minnesota, USA)) next year. It looms over me like a daunting thunder cloud; yet - holding much potential energy, holding much refreshing rain. Only God knows how much i need a good washing! *smiles* A year ago, I would've thunk this impossible.

But then again, a year ago, i never thought i wouldn't be able to cope with the conditions of love eternal. *laughs* Such impertinence! Such tomfoolery!

Such an awesome, awesome God.

[Selah]

So yeah. I never thought.

I Like Pie! Take Two.

2007-09-09T03:49:00.000-05:00

In my previous post, i mentioned that i finally attempted shepherd's pie for the very first time, ALL by myself. And..... i had royal fun doing it!

How'd it turn out? See for yourself!

Ain't she gorgeous? I'm ever so proud of it!

Thick mashed potato goodness, all golden and crisp on the top, creamy in the middle and a thick layer of mixed vegetables cooked with bits of meat, barbeque sauce and cream soup (didn't have time to boil my own broth)! Three people tasted it, excluding myself, and have deduced that that was one good piece of pie!

*chucks confetti over self and blows into noisemaker* Yay, me!

I'll be making a second round of shepherd's pie sometime soon, i'll save you a piece if you want one! *chuckles* Or... do you think you'd wanna make your very own pie? If you do, here's a proposition. I'll give you the recipe, on one condition: That you let me have a helping of it too!

agreed?

yeah? you will? coo!

Go get it.... HERE!

*laughs* I look forward to some good eatin' wid yous guys!

In dire need of HELP.

2007-09-03T02:18:00.000-05:00

to the two of you who actually read this junk,

It's been a a fortnight of literal darkness for me in terms of direction, lifestyle, settlement and belonging. What's really been keeping me afloat was and always will be, my hero. These past two years, I've just experienced as much as i can dare stretch myself to experience. Nevertheless, I fear if i told you everything, you'd either:

a) scuttle away quietly so as to not hurt my feelings. *laughs*

b) experience major brain hemorrhage and die an untimely death due to encephalitis.

c) phase out and ask for a lolly every ten seconds.

so in order to prevent embarassment or casualties, i've decided to just keep the details from either parties (that's right, even from myself). But let's not sidetrack, my muffins, from the good tidings i bear. I don't have the time to write everything, so i'm plucking this huge excerpt from an email i wrote:

"So this is the story. I went to Help last thursday, (two thursdays ago) and met this guy called william. (no doubt the same one who told me that a transferral of credit hours was not possible) but he doesn't remember me, i think.

anyway, he looked at my transcripts and CGPA and told me that i was a good student and that i shouldn't waste it by enrolling into a 4+0 program. he told me to transfer credit into their ADP program, and said i would only need to go to BSU (bermidji State U, Minnesota) for 1 and a 1/2 years after one year in HELP.

he also interviewed me about my mission and why i wanted to do mass comm and he was (in his words) "most impressed". he called and spoke to my dad to convince him, as the budget, william felt, was affordable. Lynn a representative for BSU, was there to tell me how to get a job on campus and how to save on fees.

so according to william, my dad said that the figure he gave was achievable and so now, i'm back to the twinning program idea. Can you believe it? i'll be going to america next august. *blank stare*

help has been good. attended my first chemistry lab and the lecturer, andrew tennant is awesome...nasty but awesome. aside chemistry, i'm taking physics, and media writing this semester. looking forward to studying again, although still a bit wary. worried that i might end up stuck again. initially, i was a bit unsettled about it all, but i wanna leave this to God this time around.

the excitement for me is .....still growing. i must say i'm very relieved i get to transfer credits instead of starting from scratch all over again. it's really nice to know i'll be able to graduate sooner than i thought.

so yeah.

i'm renting a room at Joash' apartment here in jalan ipoh. and will be attending joash's church for the one year (or less) that i'll be in KL. went for jazz fest last night (two saturdays ago) with tabitha but only for an hour. enjoyed sharizan and the asiana percussion performance very much. tabitha is awesome, and is turning out to be a very good friend to me....."

by the way, this paragraph is a tribute to tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha tabitha. (so there. that sentence called for her name to be mentioned ten times!) *laughs* Tabs has been a super awesome friend to me and we've only just met for a few weeks! She's made countless efforts to get me off my depressed butt, by driving me around in her little car - recommending stuff and cracking the most hilarious of jokes!

"I'm funnier today because of my talk with tabitha yesterday." *laughs hysterically*

"...i can finally say with confidence that i'm really doing so much better. I'll just be pursuing God all the way now. don't intend to change this for the longest of times. i intend to do really well in my studies and maybe even form a temporary one year band project before i leave for the states. it could be fun.

i think that's all prolly info overload to you. so i'll stop for now."

Haha, bear with, people!

With all my love,
Phoebe Lee Matthews

p/s - i made shepherd's pie!!!

Whispered Repentance

2007-08-24T01:04:00.000-05:00

I wrote this in 2002.

You came to me in a whisper,
Like a stranger, yet so familiar
My heart pounds louder and louder
Into my head; deeper and deeper
Your voice I seem to know; I've heard it once before
From you I've turned away
Yet you came to me today
In your presence; I'm awe-strickened
My body weakens
I feel myself fall into your embrace
I look up and see your face
It shone in deeper ambience
How could I have endured your absence?
My eyes cloud into a torrential downpour
I feel emptied right down to my core
Faceless and impure; I didn't know who I was anymore
Reality sweeps me over
All I wanted was to be like you
So here in your cover
My new skin breaks through
My old self dies as you take me into the skies....
I remember you coming to me in a whisper
Ah, yes, but yesterday seems distant; today I'm different
I'm becoming You.

When tired, sleep; When tired, write

2007-08-23T22:43:00.000-05:00

I'm a little exhausted today
My world's in a daze
This ache --
Oh, this despicable ache!
It gnaws at my pumping heart
in morning's melancholy blaze

I'm a little exhausted, today
My state is inexplicable
Driven on with impossible dreams
Chastized by consequences of whim
Constantly, constantly
remembering constantly
tortured by sorrow, disdain bred
still I strive to keep my sanity sacred

My head it hurts
I have no words
It always leaves me
breathing hard
i feel my lungs
being teased by shards
of glass - as
it strains
to sustain
my limp, beating heart.

18th March 2005
Revised: August 2007

Haiku

2007-08-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

Sculpted on: 3rd of March, 2005
1st Revision: 23rd November, 2005
2nd Revision: August 2007

i'm trapped in you
it's getting harder to turn-
getting harder to move my feet.

i wait for you
my heart would burn
impatient; anticipating our meet.

So awed by your story
till everything around me
....stands still -

i tend to forget
every wound, pride and glory
wolves may come; i smile still.

i'm breathing you in
drinking you so deep
i resist you but cannot win.

you - make it impossible to sleep!
make trees sway in absent wind
make blood run cold under the skin.

i just sit here
'tis just too hard to move my feet
help me find you here

I want to be complete.

My Dues

2007-08-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

Steve Lam tagged me some time ago, but i hadn't the time, ideas or facilities to pay my dues. But the day has come. I'm not going to be tagging anyone else for this one, though. Excuse: I'd already done this one before and find it utterly boring. Surely the human mind is far more capable of coming up with better tags than these.

Generating list...

List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
Things that never were:

1. I was tempted to join "One in A Million". I argued the pros and cons with myself for three days and three nights. The pressure was so intense that i got sick in front of the TV when the interview dates popped up. And then, i joined.

2. I am a completely sane and rational human being.

3. I read Philip Stretchman's trilogy of His Bright Materials: The Silver Compass (soon to be made a motion picture), The Loud Knife and The Turquoise Spyglass.

4. I am Queen Phoebe and reign over you peasants, with an iron fist! I expect complete obedience and a tithe of no less than 70% from the profit earned selling crops.

5. I despise playing TABOO with the greatest intensity. With all mine heart, with all mine soul and with all mine mind. Any game that convinces you that your sole purpose in life is to read the dictionary, Merriam-Webster's preferably, is heretical! Taboo should literally be tabooed! So there.

6. I am dead to the world when asleep. Drop an anvil on me and I'll prove to you I won't get up. Try it.

7. I am bound to a life of celibacy. I will never marry. I will live to be a 78 year old spinster with 36 cats, a love-ringed parakeet, and two male terappins. I would own a dog, a St. Bernard, along the course of my life but it will die a tragic death and i will swear never to own another dog after Fuzzy (the name of the St. Bernard i will own in the distant future. Fuzzy is pronounced "Fur-jhee").

8. I fully comprehend God.

Going places.

2007-08-04T05:20:00.000-05:00

Finally.

I'll be off again to Genting and to Kuala Lumpur after.

Awana beckons. Youth Pastor's School will be in session. (6th - 9th August, '07)

Then, i'll be in KL for a good few days, babysitting my little sister, mamaking with old friends, meeting some fellow PKs in a (hopefully) large scale gathering!, attending a cutie's birthday party, and..... visitting HELP university!

(can't hang in Subang Jaya, this time around, guys! Schedule's PACKED! next time, promise!)

Right after i am to attend the POWER conference held at GTPJ. (16th-18th August, '07)

So, tata my darlings! See y'all soon!